Practice "And How Am I Like This?" when judgementalism, impatience or annoyance raise their smug heads

(Okay, maybe more than a wee bit defensive.)

I need to remember that the next time someone else acts like that.

Compassion is the key. Compassion for myself, and compassion for others. We’re all in this crazy world together.

I forgive myself and others who have acted out of that fear of vulnerability.

I was the difficult person today.

Sometimes, it is hard for me to practice this goal, because I truly go out of my way to be as thoughtful and kind as I can to others, and I get judgemental when others don’t make the same efforts at thoughtfulness and kindness.

Today, though, I was not myself: I was a bit rude to a colleague, and certainly not helpful to her or thoughtful in my actions.

So the next time someone is unkind or unthoughtful with me, I need to remember that everyone, even super-swell me, can have an off-day.

I spoke with a friend today; both of us have transracial families through adoption. My friend mentioned an acquaintance of ours who is currently in the process of adopting a child. However, this acquaintance, despite facing a very long and troubling wait in the adoption process, is not willing to adopt transracially. She and her husband are Caucasian, and they are only willing to adopt a Caucasian child.

I am having a really hard time not being judgmental about this.

On the one hand, I know that transracial adoption is not easy, and shouldn’t be undertaken if the potential parent is not completely enthusiastic about it. I also believe that there is no one right way to form your family: what’s right for one person is not right for another, and furthermore, forming a family isn’t about “doing a good deed” but about making the right choice for you and the baby.

On the other hand, fuck you and your precious Caucasian skin. Yes, there are challenges in becoming a transracial family. There are challenges in adopting someone of the same race as well, though, and frankly, if you’re so invested in having a child that “looks like you”, I very much doubt that you are prepared to deal with those adoption challenges.

Of course, someone could say the same thing about adopting a physically or mentally disabled child- and I would in no way be nearly as judgmental about someone who did not wish to adopt a “special-needs” child. I understand that not everyone feels prepared to take on the parenting of a disabled child, and that adoptive parents shouldn’t feel pressured into doing it if they aren’t ready. Of course, there are no guarantees with any child, adopted or not, but I could understand the desire to TRY to avoid some of the challenges inherent in parenting someone with special needs.

So either race is very different than disability, or I am a pompous and hypocritical ass who is being unduly judgmental.

Imagine being a 60 year old woman, just retired, with grown but still living at home difficult children and a not so great husband, longing to feel useful and important like she used to feel at work.

Imagine being driven and passionate about your field, but also having difficulties your entire life staying organized and efficient (ADHD?), and knowing that your increasing age is making these difficulties more obvious and severe.

Now imagine some (relatively) young whippersnapper, hired to work in an organization that you’ve been part of for over 25 years, an organization that you’ve given your blood, sweat, and tears, without compensation of any kind except for feeling important. This young whippersnapper, not so young really, 38 years old, is shaking things up, and is not dutifully respectful of your seniority and knowledge. She’s on a fast track to success, that whippersnapper is, sure, but you’ve got a few tricks on her yet, experience and talents that she doesn’t seem to recognize. She’s a threat.
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When I imagine that, I can be a little less judgemental, a little less catty about P’s failings, a little more sympathetic to her, and less annoyed by her.

Someday, I may be the one who is obsolete. Someday, I may be the one who has trouble with a younger one’s changes to a tradition, and my own feelings about my usefulness after retirement. I hope that the younger one will take the time to imagine life in my shoes as I am doing now.

This morning, I was feeling some very uncharitable thoughts about a board member at work. “She’s a pain in the butt,” I thought, “Annoying, incompetent, and totally lacking social skills. She’s obsolete. She needs to get out of the way.”

Then I felt MEAN. Really mean. The kind of mean I never want to be.

But I didn’t want to go on here and figure out how I was just like her. I didn’t want to turn my attitude around. I just kept resisting this goal, insisting to myself that she deserved it, that she didn’t know I was thinking these things, and I was always nice outwardly to her anyway.

However, it’s not about her, really. It’s about me. About the kind of person that I want to be, one that acts externally as I feel externally, and for both those aspects to be kind above all else. It’s about knowing that we all have the annoying, the incompetent, and the poor social skills within us, and that we all carry the capability to be the ‘pain in the butt’ at times, and that I need to continually practice compassion for others, and for myself as well.

Resistance is futile. It all comes back to this- our shared humanity.

So let’s deconstruct this:

She’s a well-meaning woman, she’s actually quite kind; so what is she doing that I see in myself and don’t like?

1. She’s being slavish about following “the guru”.

Maybe I’m concerned about my lack of critical thinking and independence in some areas.

2. She’s focusing on the things that aren’t important, and letting the important things slide.

I guess I’ve done that, too.

3. She micro-manages sometimes.

Guilty as charged.

Hee-hee. As I’m writing this, I see that she’s annoying our secretary right now!
But that doesn’t mean I can not take responsibility for my annoyance with her.

I thought I was being honest, she thought I was being mean.

I thought I she just wasn’t getting it, she thought I just wasn’t getting it.

I thought I did the right thing, she thought I did the wrong thing.

I thought I was being the bigger person, but she disagrees.

She is a poor leader- but I’ve been a poor leader before.

She is completely unaware of what she does to alienate others- but I’ve been completely unaware before.

She is projecting all the anger that she has for our group onto me- but I have inappropriately projected before.

I could just leave the situation, and forget about it. After all, she isn’t even a friend, or someone that I like. But since I’ve hurt her, I am going to stay present, stay kind, and muster up all the compassion that I can for her. My honesty must have been very hard to hear. So I’ll let her continue to vent her anger, even when she does so childishly, and try to make her feel better about the whole incident.

In my presentation to an outside group today, there was a woman who clearly had something to prove. She was dominating discussion and comment, and kept adding on to what I was saying. Of course, I encourage discussion and comments, as I want participants to engage in active learning, but she was really going overboard.

Normally, I would find this somewhat threatening, and certainly aggravating. But perhaps the combination of my very successful track record with this particular presentation and this goal that I am striving to meet caused me to act with more compassion.

During our first break, I engaged her in conversation, and found out that she had prior experience in this topic. I was also able to determine that she felt her colleagues and boss were not sufficently honoring this experience.

After the break, I asked her to “help” me facilitate a group activity. She was clearly pleased, and was very glad to have the attention of the group and be heard. After that activity, she was able to relax and stop dominating the comments and discussion for the rest of the day.

Oh, if only I could always tap into this wise compassion that I accessed today! If only I could always feel so unthreatened by others, and act in a kind manner that brings an outcome to satisfy everyone. That is my hope for the future.

Sometimes I find it hard to practice this goal because I consider myself a kind person. If anything, I tend to direct anger/frustration/bad behavior inwardly, not outward, so other people don’t often find me offensive. Therefore, when a person does me wrong, I can’t necessarily see myself doing the same thing.

Yesterday, however, Frog reminded me of a woman with whom we went to university. This woman and I did not know each other well; in fact, we never even had a conversation. However, it was a small school, and we both had prominence in our different arenas of it, so we knew of each other.

As I thought of her, I was horrified to think of how unkind I had been about her. Not unkind to her directly, but we had mocked her and laughed behind her back. I once even behaved somewhat badly as an audience member at one of her performances. I truly regret being such an asshole.

And it is very important to remember that I was an asshole; that as wonderful as I usually am, I still carry that capacity to be an asshole, as do all people, and that the person who behaves badly is not necessarily a bad person- just a person who did what I once did myself.

In this special time, we are supposed to give forgiveness to those who have hurt us, and ask for forgiveness to those we have hurt. So this question is especially pertinent in the coming week.

I will use these eight days to really focus on this question, and apply it in my life.

Even in the really hard cases.