say yes to life

But I’m saying yes to the life I have. I’m saying yes to my dreams, which sometimes means I have to give up other things like socializing. That’s okay. I’m doing a lot of work. I’m being very productive. I’m taking steps in the right direction, even if they are slow steps. I’m accepting what I am and the path I am on and even not always being able to do everything I want right this instant.

Someday soon, it will even out and I will know what I’m doing and we can pick up things like, say, friends, or going out, or shopping.

Sometimes I say yes to things because I know I am afraid of them, but I do not actually follow through.

This is, as they say, a work in progress.

Sometimes it seems a very slow progress.

Yes.

I have to take a deep breath and there might still be some tears teasing the corners of my eyes, but I’ll say yes, even if it means saying goodbye to the world I have known.

I guess that goodbye is also saying yes to risk, to the chance of making things so much closer to what I really want my life to be.

That’s the essence of my life right now, the essence of the choices I have already made, but just need to make my peace with. Holding on to the safe and known is not the way to say yes to life. And apparently, my life is such that if I don’t say yes to my destiny willingly, my destiny will smack me around a bit and drag me kicking and screaming where it wants me to go.

I think that’s what’s going on. I think I’m heading towards my destiny. I hope so. I hope it’s not the road to ruin. Eh, I’m at my safety net for a while. But it doesn’t feel like ruin, it feels like rest before the renewal.

accepting the possibility of getting hurt, or losing, or falling flat on your face, or rejection.

I guess it’s not possible at all. That’s what yes means. Yes, I will put myself out there even if I am taking risks. Yes, I will take a chance on someone not living up to my expectations, because maybe they actually will. Yes, maybe I have to struggle and be sad or in pain sometimes so that I can be there for the joy and the success.

Yes, yes, yes, even though I am afraid.

“When you really want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I believe this quote. But I think we don’t always really want things enough. Not enough to put in the hard work. Or enough to really focus on the achieving of it. Or enough to not get distracted by the rest of life.

I want so much. How do I pick which things I want more? Where do I put my attention? My desire?

I guess this is why I am so focused on organizing right now. Because there’s so much on my plate that I want to do, but I don’t know how to do it all.

The baby is napping. The boy and S are out on adventure (also known as “getting the newspaper,”) The National Geographic Channel is on tv, and I want to snatch this quiet moment of time to carve something out for myself.

Last night, I said ‘yes’ to my novel, and went through 25 pages. Granted, it’s not really revising yet, or maybe it is revising, as I am re-visioning the book. Whatever it is, I said ‘yes’ and committed to it, and a big chunk got done. If I can commit one hour a day to doing this, then I should be done with this phase in (quick, math skills, de-rustify, and…)oh,15 days, give or take. Two weeks. Then I can get down to the real business of rewriting.

Really, it just means choosing my book over television. And it’s the summer season, really, what’s on? (putting aside the obvious answer to that of So You Think You Can Dance.) And when you come down to it, it means choosing me.

In direct opposition to saying ‘yes,’ to choosing me, is allowing my fears to win—My enemy, the negative mantra of “I can’t.”

We all have a negative mantra in our head. It’s tough to get over. You need to practice with things that have a smaller stake, so that you can build up to those really big things you are afraid of, like success, or failure. (I’m never really sure which I am more afraid of, success or failure.)

The ‘Yes’ I want to practice saying right now, is the ‘yes’ of getting out of the house and going places with my kids. It’s quite daunting to pack them both up, get every body ready—changed, fed, cleaned, clothed, napped—and then wrestle them into jackets, shoes, carriers, and then carry them both down stairs into the stroller and out the door. Just thinking about it makes me tired. It always makes me tired, and so often I let that take over and just give up, play in doors, allow lunch and nap to take so long that we run out of time before the bedtime routine.

Seriously, I now need a nap just from thinking about it.

But I have to buck up and say ‘yes’ to this. Doing just this, getting out and about will make me feel a little bit more capable and energetic, I think. I can stay on top of errands, feel like I am giving my kids the chance to play outside, get some sun on my face, meet up with people… you know, basically living.

One yes leads to the next yes leads to the next leads to living the life I want to live. So, let’s practice saying ‘yes’ by going to the playground.

I need to find the joy in everyday. Need to experience my life, and value it, not let it pass by in a haze of unmet expectations and negative feelings about what I HAVEN’T done.

This is my life. I do not want to want it to be something different. It’s too easy to get caught up in what I do not have. It’s too easy to get caught up in what I am not.

I don’t want to say “Yes, but…” to life, either. I want to learn to accept it. Learn to accept that we are broke right now. Learn to accept that I can’t buy all the things that would be cool to have. Learn to accept that I am not a great housekeeper. Learn to accept S’s negative traits. Learn to accept my own negative traits.

None of that is to say that I can’t work to change certain things about my life, but I need to accept the way they are right now so that I don’t feel DEFECTIVE, which is what actually happens. And then my self esteem goes down the toilet and everything just seems harder, and I am not happy, and I can only see that the bathroom needs to be cleaned, and not the unbridled laughter of my son, or the soft yet firm grip of my baby daughter’s hand on my thumb.

Remember. Stop in the maddening hamster wheel of “the grind” and remember to pay attention to what is now. Right NOW.

I wonder if I did this, would it help me actually achieve all those things I want? If I just accepted life, said yes to it, would I be a more responsible adult? Would I be more productive? Would I ease into the revision of my novel—which I really like, by the way, although I have been making excuses not to work on it. Would I be able to keep my kitchen clean or get rid of the clutter? If I get rid of my head-clutter, will my life-clutter go, too?

I am saying Yes by doing NaNoWriMo and committing to writing my novel even though I am afraid, and don’t know exactly what will happen and have other things that I need to be doing and all those other excuses I make.

I am saying yes, anyway.

And it makes me say yes in other areas of my life. I suppose it’s just easier to say yes when you are already in the practice of saying yes.

And actually I will have to say yes during the entire writing process. There will be no NOs. I will not delete anything I write. I will not revise because I think it sucks. I will not doubt what is coming out of my fingers, I will accept it as it comes. I will say yes.

In a way, commiting to this project is a kind of birthday present to myself and my goals for my life. No more excuses, just, “yes.”

I have spent so many years saying “no,I can’t” to life, that saying “yes” has come to mean accepting opportunities and taking chances and being active—DOing stuff.

But I am in a stage of life right now that is limited by many things—the responsibility of taking care of a child, having a limited budget, having very limited free time, also the physical limitations of being pregnant mean I just don’t have the energy or focus I normally do.

My adventures have to pull back to fit my life. It doesn’t mean I should say ‘no’ to everything, but I have to be reallistic about what works for me, for us.

So I was just thinking about what it means to be saying “yes” in this situation. Maybe it’s also about saying “yes” to my life—as it is. Accepting life for flaws, loving the positives, knowing it can’t ever be perfect. Accepting, even the limitations. Realizing that they aren’t about stealing something from my life or denying my happiness, but just my life as it is. Limitations add shape to life, they do, but my life is still my life, within those boundaries.

So maybe I can say yes to my apartment, a cozy and comfy place, even though it is always in transition, between cleanings, or big projects, cluttered with the stuff of living. Maybe I can say “yes” to my relationship, even though we don’t spend a lot of time alone together, because he is working to provide for us, and I am working to raise our son and keep our home, and we both still need time to ourselves. Maybe I can say “yes” to my need to nap whenever the boy naps, or constantly graze to feed myself, or being unable to remember my phone number or keep a conversation—because it means I am growing another human being inside of me. Accept who I am and the place I am in my life.

That doesn’t mean that I allow it all to fall apart. Let go of dreams and responsibilities. I still have those, I still want to write my novel and see the world and have a great, fulfilling relationship, and a gorgeous home and good friends, but perfection will never happen. I don’t want to keep looking down on what I do have because it doesn’t look like the perfect picture I have in my head.

Saying “yes” might now mean, “Yes, this is my life, and it is good.”

Don’t feel like saying yes. Feel like going back to sleep. Feel like watching tv all day and eating icecream on the couch.

Feel very un-yes. Feel very meh.

What does this mean? It means turn off the tv. It means fire up the novel. It means go outside on this beautiful Spring day with the little one.

It means say yes anyway. And then life will say yes back.

Fake yes until yes becomes real.