find my father

and that’s exactly what I did.

I’ve thought this whole thing through and through. It took me a while to put things together, but I was finally able to do so. Now everything has a place. Everything that has been said and asked.

This hasn’t been a fun ride from the very beginning. In fact, I’ve been unhappy from the start. The more I tried to make something positive out of it it, the less I got. I was just lying to myself, really. My gut said one thing, my head was screaming another, and my heart…well…that’s a whole new ball game.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this may be a perfect situation for someone else. Not for me. I’m not going to defend or sacrifice who and what I am. I’m also not going to put up with anyone’s bullshit, including my dad’s.

I figured this whole surface bullshit is going to drag on until December. So, I decided to make a move. After his last email asking me where I disappeared to, I said that I was really busy. I also said that I wasn’t planning on making my visit in December. I just wasn’t ready.

He replied…

That morning, for some reason I had this thought floating through my head. I thought, I hope he doesn’t throw my grandmother (his mother) into the mix. I’ve thought this through as well and felt pretty bad. BUT, I cannot make my life decision based on another person’s happiness or well-being. Their happiness and well-being is all their own.

His reply was…What happened? [Nothing, Dad, I can make decisions all on my own believe it or not.] I’m worried. Your grandmother will be worrying too! [And here we go!!] What happened?

I replied…Nothing happened. I just feel this is the right thing to do.

Haven’t heard from him yet. It’s been several days.

The whole thing is over for me. It’s been over for a while. I’m done. I’ve spent months trying to figure this out and any way I looked at it, I was losing something. So why not lose it now? Either I’ll lose whatever there is now, or I’ll lose a whole lot more later,if this continues.

Was finding my father “worth it?” Yes. I now know that I’m nothing like neither one of my parents. Thanks guys for being great role models.

He emails once in a blue moon asking…How’s life? How’s health? Your job? School? Weather? My replies are short. Life is good. So is health. School and job are fine. Nice and sunny.

For a while I was getting really sick of it, but I have finally come to a place in my mind from which I can move forward. Things are the way they are. These people are the way they are, and I would never try to change their minds about anything. That would be pointless, plus not my place. I don’t use matchbox mentality. I’ve always despised that. However, I won’t fight against it. It wastes my energy and time. So…here’s my plan.

Things will stay at the surface until two things will happen…either he’ll get sick and tired of this surface bullshit and say, okay, let’s actually get to know each other and start building a relationship, an adult to adult relationship. However, I highly doubt the latter part. That’s all he knows. I’m his child and that’s it. No, Dad. That’s NOT it. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. OR, he’ll say screw this bullshit, I’m walking away. That’s plan A and plan B. Plan C. This bullshit may go on for another few months or longer, and I’m okay with that. I guess. If it does, I’ll just start replying even less often. However, what I’m hoping is that plan C will lead itself to either plan A or plan B.

Meanwhile, I have shit to do. I have too much going for me to focus on unnecessary bullshit. Yeah, Dad, bullshit. My rules (which you’ve never had) are simple: take it for what it is or leave it. I dare you to leave it. However, even bigger dare would be to take it for what it is. Tough choice, I know, but not really. I have people in my life who love and support me no matter what. These people have never asked me to change or give up something that is such an important part of my identity. The same people who you said are NOT my family. I think someone once said, a finite mind will never be able to fully comprehend the infinite. I think the same applies to those who think outside of the box and those who use matchbox mentality. I think we’re those two. The question is, can we meet somewhere in the middle?

I’m still processing what has been said. I think I’m slowly understanding why I felt so drained every time we’d talk.

There is a lot that has been said on his part. Like…the fact that my grandfather was murdered about 10 years ago. I’m not going to say that I didn’t know about it, but I was told that those were rumors. Rumors are rumors. Apparently they were not.

I’ve just been putting the whole thing together, and I have to say, I feel like I’m ready to let this thing go, at least on my part.

I’m not saying that I’m giving up and cutting myself off. No, not at all. But for my own sake, I have to do something. This is not healthy for me. I’m not happy. All I do is think and process and … I feel like I’m going deeper and deeper into something that is not worth going into for me.

I sent him an email several days ago saying…Ok, so you told me this stuff. What am I supposed to do with it?? I didn’t know he was murdered. So, what now? How am I supposed to feel? How would you feel if someone told you something like this about your loved one? Regardless of my relationship with my grandfather, he was my family.

I just don’t get this whole thing, I guess. There is a huge wall that separates us. What is important to me (my school, my career, etc.) is not important to him, at all. He simply doesn’t get it, and he doesn’t want to get it. This is a biggy. We’re on two different islands here.

Also, he’s making this whole thing about him. He didn’t even ASK me how I felt about going over there, much less moving. How do I feel about this whole thing?

I don’t know if I’m making much sense…just rambling… It’s all very confusing, and I feel angry. Angry at him for saying shit, angry for not even trying to see my side of things, angry for assuming that I’m just going to drop everything and leave…

This takes a lot out of me, and we’re only communicating via email here and there. The way I see it, our conversations were going somewhere as long as he had something to say. Once I said, no, I’m not moving there, the conversations became very artificial. How’s the weather? Everyone is fine. Blah, blah, blah. I may be wrong here, but that’s the pattern that I see. Really, Dad? The weather?? You have nothing else to say to me?? Ask?? So, how’s your work going, school? Why, Dad? You don’t care. How’s my school and work…fine. How about that? Is that good enough, Dad? It’s all surface stuff, Dad. It’s all bullshit, Dad. How’s that?

I don’t know where it’s going. But I’m afraid that this is going to be a one-way street, and that won’t work for me. This whole experience hasn’t been champagne and roses. I think in my head I try to make it that way, but I can’t seem to find neither champagne nor roses.

I don’t think this is going to be a theme of “we accept you just the way you are.” I think this is going to be “we want you to be like us because you’re one of us. Because we’re family. Because, because, because…”

Can’t do that. Won’t do that. Will not bend just to please others. Will not be something that I’m not. The policy is simple: take it for what it is or leave.

I think I’m just slowly preparing myself to walk away… The door will not be locked, but I’m not going to stand in front of it, just waiting.

Which is perfectly fine with me.

We’ve emailed each other here and there. Just a quick hello, how are things going, etc. He wanted to skype a time or two, but I didn’t have time. I literally run from 5:30 until late at night between driving, classes, teaching, practicum, etc., etc., etc. Plus, I know it won’t “take a minute.”

I know I’m still very guarded when it comes to this thing. What is important to me and to him are two different things. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am today, so I’m not planning on bending in any shape or form. We’ll see where things go from here…I still don’t really know. I do, but I don’t.

So, no update, really…I keep doing my thing, as usual. I keep going.

It’s been weighing on my mind for the past two days. This is going to be our wall for a while.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a dive into an ocean…

Wish it didn’t come down to this, but this whole thing is moving way too fast for me. It’s too much.

Briefly…

My dad and the family do not understand why I won’t move back. He wants me there now. Drop everything and move. Those people are foreign to you.

Yesterday was better (for me, since we didn’t talk), but for two days prior to that I’ve hit a wall. An emotional wall. I’ve reached my point and beyond.

Let’s see if I can summarize what I’m looking at…

He’s grieving 30 years that he didn’t have. He feels extremely guilty and not planning on forgiving himself “ever.” He’s beating himself up over and over and over again…I can’t watch that anymore. It’s too painful for me. He’s desperately trying to make up for those 30 years. By that, I mean he wants me there…drop everything, leave everybody, leave education…etc., etc., etc. No, Dad, I’m not going to. Why not? Because…blah, blah, blah. He’s not listening to anything I’m saying. Everything I say is taken as a rejection. He constantly says, can you come over in summer time? No, Dad, I’m doing thesis all summer long. But repeat that 20 more times and see what happens. You just did. But one week won’t be enough! Dad, I’m doing all I can. I’m giving you the time that I have. Not enough. Ok. Repeat that 30 more times…

I can’t go through this anymore. It’s too much, too fast. I crashed before yesterday. Right after we were done Skyping, I went to bed. I was mentally exhausted. I couldn’t even think anymore. I thought, I can’t do this. I can’t go on like this.

So…I’m going to pull back. Yesterday, I had a chance to get away and think through. I got together with my girls for lunch. They both agreed with my thought process.

We were supposed to be Skyping today. Not going to happen. I sent an email saying that I’ll be extremely busy. I will be. I need to focus on my teaching and getting ready for thesis even more, since the semester is almost here. I’m also not going to talk to him over this weekend. I need space and time. I feel suffocated. I wish it didn’t come down to this. I’ve offered my heart with no strings attached, but that’s too easy for my dad. He’s all or nothing kind of guy. He’s also the type of guy who will take the harder way no matter what. He’s made this whole thing 100 times harder than it could have been. Don’t focus on the past, Dad. Let’s move on. Look at what you have!!!! No. He’s bringing back the past, and that is beginning to trigger me. I won’t go there. I won’t talk about it. It won’t make things better!! I won’t tell you. I’ve moved on.

I see everything he’s going through. I know this is going to get worse for him before it gets better. But I can’t be any part of that. It’s too painful and exhausting for me. He’ll have to work through all that on his own. He has plenty of support. He’ll have to learn to accept things for what they are, NOT for what he wants them to be. Or for what they should be. The more he pushes me, the less he’ll get.

I’m going to send him an email in a few days and express my boundaries. I’m going to make it clear what would happened if certain things will be mentioned. I can’t continue going through this emotional roller coaster. I’m not going to throw away something I have worked so hard for. I’m not going to walk away from my family and friends, who are like my family.

I don’t think anyone has ever stood up to him. I don’t mean this in a negative way. He’s just used to getting things his way. Not this time. This time, you’ve met your match, Dad.

not to ride the storm. I’ll just watch it going by.

No, this is not what is usually expected, but thought I’d be honest.

Right now, I’m enraged. Why? Shouldn’t I be happy? This is the happiest moment of my life!

Not right now…

I thought I’ve worked through this before. I thought I was okay with what happened, how it was done, etc. I’m not. The more I get to know my family…the kind of people that they are…the fact that they have been looking for me, waiting, hoping, wishing…loving me all of these years, unconditionally. I realize what was taken away from me exactly. And I’m enraged.

I’ve accepted many things and worked through most in order to move on, but this…? Who does this? Who rips someone else’s soul and throws it away? Who? How? Why?

This storm has been brewing in me all day. At first, I got angry at myself for being angry. I thought, well shit, what in the hell is wrong with you?? Then, I traced the anger. Then I thought, how can this be? I was okay. I mean, okay as far as accepting things that I cannot change…and letting go. Is this the same path? No. Then, which path is it? My family. This family. That is what is different this time.

I think this is going to brew for a while…

.

.