and that’s exactly what I did.
I’ve thought this whole thing through and through. It took me a while to put things together, but I was finally able to do so. Now everything has a place. Everything that has been said and asked.
This hasn’t been a fun ride from the very beginning. In fact, I’ve been unhappy from the start. The more I tried to make something positive out of it it, the less I got. I was just lying to myself, really. My gut said one thing, my head was screaming another, and my heart…well…that’s a whole new ball game.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this may be a perfect situation for someone else. Not for me. I’m not going to defend or sacrifice who and what I am. I’m also not going to put up with anyone’s bullshit, including my dad’s.
I figured this whole surface bullshit is going to drag on until December. So, I decided to make a move. After his last email asking me where I disappeared to, I said that I was really busy. I also said that I wasn’t planning on making my visit in December. I just wasn’t ready.
That morning, for some reason I had this thought floating through my head. I thought, I hope he doesn’t throw my grandmother (his mother) into the mix. I’ve thought this through as well and felt pretty bad. BUT, I cannot make my life decision based on another person’s happiness or well-being. Their happiness and well-being is all their own.
His reply was…What happened? [Nothing, Dad, I can make decisions all on my own believe it or not.] I’m worried. Your grandmother will be worrying too! [And here we go!!] What happened?
I replied…Nothing happened. I just feel this is the right thing to do.
Haven’t heard from him yet. It’s been several days.
The whole thing is over for me. It’s been over for a while. I’m done. I’ve spent months trying to figure this out and any way I looked at it, I was losing something. So why not lose it now? Either I’ll lose whatever there is now, or I’ll lose a whole lot more later,if this continues.
Was finding my father “worth it?” Yes. I now know that I’m nothing like neither one of my parents. Thanks guys for being great role models.