Beat my depression

So I feel way better than I have in a long while. I still get a little depressed but for the most part I’m a pretty positive person. I don’t feel like I’ve beat it yet but I definitely feel like I’m finally winning instead of fighting a lost battle. I still get tired a good bit but I’m not as down. I still get frustrated and angry sometimes but not like I used to. I still have morbid thoughts but not even a tenth of what I had been having.

It’s just one foot in-front of the other and so-on and so-forth.

I wish people would quit making everything so hard. Another day down the drain. I knew this would be a bad day but I wish it wasn’t this bad. Honestly – I have no prospects. I’m so stuck it’s not even funny. I’m getting sick and tired of putting up with the same thing. I’m stuck. I feel stupid and insignificant. I feel like a waste. Why, why, why? I wish I could change things. I wish it were that easy. Never, ever is.

Bad, bad day. I don’t feel like going on and on about my problems. I thought it had started great and it has steadily declined since then. Now I feel horrid. I was in such a good mood today too. Such a great mood. I was so happy and positive and certain that everything would fall into place and turn out alright.

Now people have to come and ruin it. It doesn’t take very much to make me feel like …. and the people around me sure do know just the way to do it.

I can’t stand this. Why do people have to be so freaking careless? I know I have problems, I know I’m not perfect, I know, I know, believe me I freaking know already! Point it out some more why don’t you? Disappoint me some more why don’t you? Lead me around by the nose when I ask for help and then later not give it to me why don’t you? I am sick. I am so sick of the same …. every freaking day. I hate this. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I feel like tearing my hair out I’m so stressed right now. Not going to cry. I am not going to cry because crying is a useless activity. Instead I am going to rant and rave and be mad and let it sizzle out so I can feel empty enough to go to sleep and wake up to another day of …. .

What am I going to do? More and more and steadily more problems pile onto my plate and it’s all I can do to keep it from crushing my vital organs because the plate is as heavy as a gigantic bag of dog food and I have to drag it everywhere with me and I can’t seem to get rid of it and every single time I try to hide the thing or dump some of the food out someone finds it, throws some more in it, and tosses it back on my shoulders.

I’m sighing, rolling my eyes, and yawning now. I feel a tiny bit better but still like …. . Drained, drained. I wonder if I’ll ever complete this goal.

I feel so horrible right now. Inadequate, idiotic, selfish, trapped, and failing. I wish I never felt like this again. It’s all I can do to not think about the things that are bothering me and to keep myself from crying. I hate crying.

I don’t have anyone who I can talk to my problems about. My family isn’t that close. My friends aren’t that close. My boyfriend wants it to go away on its own so he doesn’t have to deal with it. For the most part it would only make my position worse to tell anyone I know anything of how I’m feeling and coping.

I feel strained beyond reason. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in the distant future when all of my problems have worked themselves out. Life is never that easy though.

I’m sure tomorrow will be better. I hope tomorrow will be better. I hope tonight will turn out all right. I hope I’ll never go through another episode of stress, anxiety, and despair. I hope that one day I’ll have someone who will listen, respect, understand, and help me. Instead of belittling me, talking down to me, getting mad at me, ignoring me, dismissing me, not respecting me, using me, or lecturing me.

Today was a really bad day for me. Ergh. I had a lot of good days recently though, a lot more than I’ve ever had before. At least I can have good days now. Sometimes it’s hard to continue putting one foot in front of the other but it’s all a matter of will. Will you do it? Or won’t you do it? I just wish I had more stability, most of the time I feel like I’m walking around dumb, deaf, and blind.

Sometimes I love being crazy and sometimes I really wish I wasn’t.

Right now I wish I could go to sleep but I’m in a snit and freaking out a bit.

Oh well… life’s never simple.

I don’t like being bipolar. I have my good moments, my crazy moments, and my really bad moments. I’m still going though. I’m beating it back. It’s got a hold of me but I’m pushing through. I will prevail…