stop drinking

Didn’t sleep well last night and feel achy and a pounding headache no matter how much ibuprofen I take. I spent some time coloring with my daughter, made some cookies and trying to make the best of it. Tomorrow will be a better day.

how being sober is so much better but yet it can be so difficult. Some days are such a struggle. A struggle in a different way than they used to be, but still a struggle. In the old days the struggle would be anxiety related, watching the clock, walking the floor and finally giving in to that bottle. These days the struggle is more likely to be I’m tired, irritable, just wish I could go to bed and that little voice in the back of my head saying aaahhh… One drink would cure this mood!!! It’s maybe true. ONE drink probably would, but ONE drink never, ever satisfied me. More, more, MORE.

So, today I’m tired, irritable, but going to push myself to go to Pilates anyway and I can be certain that tomorrow will be better. There will be no hangover to deal with. No shame, guilt, headache, regret, black holes, nausea… just a clean start to a new day.

Peace

is getting me down. C’mon spring!!

I love waking up without a hangover. It’s such a gift. I will spend the weekend sober and I’m looking forward to spending time with my daughter and some good friends.

My life has changed after getting sober. I have so much less tolerance for drama and can’t stand it in my life. Before, when drinking, everything was always drama, fighting, anxiety and regret. Now, I avoid all that like the plague. Can’t stand it. I discovered I enjoy sitting at home, reading, doing hobbies or yoga and pilates instead of going out with friends or to the bar. I always thought I was so outgoing and such a party girl but I’m discovering I’m more of an introvert and had to drink massive amounts of alcohol to feel comfortable in those situations. I’m so much happier.

Happy Sober Friday

Peace

It seems I like to post at the beginning of weekends or the end. I like the idea of going in to a weekend sober and the happiness it brings me. Knowing how in the past Friday night was the beginning of a drunk that would last 3-4 days with wasted hours as I was passed out or blacked out. Dirty, miserable days of GI upset, emotional upset, fights (many of which I wouldn’t even remember), driving drunk, desperation to get more alcohol, messes all over the house, calling in sick… How fun was that?! Instead, I’ll spend time with my daughter, sleep well, eat well, do a little yoga or pilates, read a book that I’ll remember and wake on Monday rested and ready for work with no creepy crawly regrets.

Putting down the bottle is the answer.

Happpy Friday All

Peace

Not drinking is definitely getting easier and easier. I remember trying to make it 2-3 days without drinking and it was the longest 2 days of my life. So irritable I couldn’t stand it. So obsessed. Two whole days were like a jail sentence.

Thankfully, I have moved on from that. Days slip by and I realize it’s been another week. BUT—Yesterday was a reminder of how difficult this can still be. All day yesterday I felt on edge, short tempered and overwhelmed. Snapping at people and feeling overwhelmed with my to-do list. Around 3 in the afternoon I started thinking about drinking. I started thinking I haven’t drank in months! I can have something to drink. I’m an adult… You know the story. I tried to busy myself with things, took my daughter out to dinner and on the way home I drove into the parking lot of the liquor store and slowly drove by and “white-knuckled” it out of there and back home. I went to bed early and slept well.

Today I’m oh so thankful I had the courage to drive away and I feel oh so much better. I’ve spent time today reflecting on why yesterday was so tough and it seems so clear to me in the light of day when I’m feeling better.

1) I’m having some pretty tough family things going on. My sister still in treatment and getting close to getting out. My mother making one hell of a mistake of a life decision that she seems hell bent on making.

2) I am working overtime this week so I’m feeling the time crunch. I picked up a shift for a coworker this week as a favor and it puts me in to overtime. Working 50 hours in a week is not for me. Not only am I working overtime this week but the weekend is taken up with birthday parties and easter.

3) I’ve been having spats with a good friend of mine. Arguing over silly stuff.

4) I. Am. Tired. Of. This. Winter

5) I have not made it to yoga or pilates for over a week because of work responsibilities and scheduling conflicts.

6).....

The list goes on and on and when I look at it that way I can see why I felt like that yesterday. My old way of thinking was grab a (huge) glass of wine and forget it all!!!! My new way of thinking is this… I must take care of myself!! I can’t make my mothers decisions for her and I have to let it go. I shouldn’t be scheduling overtime because I know it stresses me out. I love yoga and pilates and it’s a huge release for me and I have to make that a priority. SPRING IS COMING and the sun is shining today and I’m able to enjoy it hangover free!!! Got the dog for a walk, my daughter rode her bike and I have a pilates session scheduled for tonight. I still have to diligent and I still have to fight the fight from time to time but I’m so glad I “white-knuckled” it out of the parking lot.

Peace

I could feel this way again. Happy without alcohol. It’s 1030am and in the past I would’ve been already buzzed (or even drunk) by now. I would’ve woke up on a Sunday morning still buzzed from the night before and searched for left over wine and drank that as soon as I woke up and by 1030 would’ve had a hell of a start. I would’ve spent the day drinking, probably blacked out or passed out at some point and woke up tomorrow so incredibly sick that there would be a good chance that I’d call in sick to either lay in bed or keep drinking. Wasted weekend, wasted life.

Instead, I took my daughter to an amusement park Friday. Went on rides all day and had a pizza party for dinner. Read her a couple books before bed, had a wonderful night sleep and woke up Saturday hangover free. Yesterday, I took my daughter to a greenhouse and we planted flower baskets that they will keep in the greenhouse and grow for us to pick up in May and had a great lunch at a restaurant she loves. Made a batch of cookies,a great supper and again slept wonderful and woke up today hangover free. They serve alcohol at this event at the greenhouse and I remember one year having wine before I went and having drinks while I was there and stopping for lunch after and basically having a liquid lunch, driving around the whole time. I’m sure I continued drinking the rest of the day and the rest of the weekend. I remember how horribly unhappy I was….

Today, I think about alcohol less and less. It has become a fleeting thought that enters my mind mostly just to say wow… I haven’t thought about it all day and then it’s gone. I post less and less because it seems like less of a need. I go by liquor stores without my heart pounding and my hands gripping the steering wheel as I force myself to keep driving. I walk by alcohol and people drinking alcohol and think I’m so glad I won’t feel like them tomorrow. If someone would’ve asked me a year ago if this was possible I would’ve said no way. I’ll never get out. But, I did, and as the old cliche states… If I can do it, anyone can. And you can.

Happy Sober Sunday, all. Peace.

long enough now to see and FEEL the changes in my life. Really feel them. I used to have such cloudy judgement. I seemed to attract people that were drinkers (surprise!), irresponsible, untrustworthy and I could never understand why. Now that all seems so obvious. I was attracting myself. I was drinking heavy, untrustworthy and irresponsible!! I drank if I wasn’t working and lied about it most of the time. Lied about how much, when, if… Lied about where I had been. What I had done. I canceled on people, stood them up, called in sick all the time. I blew my daughter off for a glass (bottle) of wine. I blew off appointments. I showed up to things already buzzing, if not drunk. I wasted so much time hungover and making up stories about why I looked like shit or why I had the bruise which was always related to a drunken fall. Such dark, dark days.

Now, I can see that shit so easily. I can pick out a problem drinker from a mile away. I can feel that icky, creepy feeling when I meet someone and just KNOW they’re not what I want in my life and I have the strength to say no, thank you, because I have self worth again. I have direction and happiness and health and I’m attracting the type of people that have that and value that too. I have conversations about pilates and yoga and planting my garden and play dates instead of how fucked up I got over the weekend and how much I regret it. I’m feeling true happiness for once and it had been years since I felt this way. I’m happy. Truly happy.

Happy Sober Sunday, all. Peace

and I’m spending it sober. My birthday present to myself. Happy Birthday Ryn!!

to say another weekend sober and to give those of you with kids something to think about….

I was sitting at the kitchen having breakfast with my beautiful 3.5 year old daughter and she was saying she was sorry for something she did the day before and we were talking about making mistakes. I said when you’re mean to people (she had hit another girl) you hurt their feelings and no one likes their feelings hurt. And she said she understood and then said “Like when you drink mommy, it hurts my feelings”. After a stunned silence I agreed and said yes, everyone makes mistakes but it’s what we do with those mistakes that makes the difference.

For those of you that think it’s not affecting your kids… Think again.

but I know it’s just today. Tomorrow will be better.

Happy Sober Saturday.