Create the life I want to live

from (where else?) The Happiness Project.

The first one discusses happiness in terms of an “atmosphere of growth” – in other words, even bad feelings can be positive if you’re doing something that expands your thinking and leads you to new discoveries. (Something to keep in mind while I’m running at this hectic pace.)

How to Make Yourself Happier

The second is an interview with the author of Mommy Wants Vodka. What struck me about this interview was her answer to this question: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

At 18, I was pretty sure that happiness was juuuuuust around the corner. Just waiting for me. The next big thing was going to make me happy. If I could only land the perfect job or the perfect boyfriend or the perfect grades or the perfect whatever. I was waiting for other things and other people to make me happy. It took me years to learn that true happiness comes from within.

I will never be in control of what happens to me or around me, but I am in control of what happens within me and how I react to situations. Now I know that I alone can make me happy.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt that way. Life’s a lot easier since I learned that I’m the only one who can make me happy.

A Non-Addictive Form of Vicodin, Non-Fattening Cheese Fries…or Writing.

_{in a cop-out, song lyric post…yes, I just watched the Scrubs finale}

Peter Gabriel – Book Of Love

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It’s full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that’s where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we’re all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

and she’s given me some great ideas to look into. Not immediate escape from my current situation (which, as I’ve realized, isn’t really the perfect solution given the baby goal), but steps I can take towards the place I want to be.

And hope…she gave me a lot of hope.

So…Kel, I will definitely be hitting you with some course/career questions soon! Just gotta do some research first.

is as important as knowing when to hang in there. For me, it’s a bigger challenge to give up than to stick it out.

The latest blog on the Happiness Project is Don’t Try to Keep That Resolution. Something I need to keep in mind as I do my year-end audit of my list.

There are things that I’ve kept on this list for years…and things that I’ve been telling myself I would do for longer than 43t has been around. What Gretchen doesn’t really address is how it makes me feel to have these unfinished goals staring me in the face. The big, long-term goals don’t bother me – it’s the little ones. Ones I could knock out in a day, a week, a month. My list becomes bogged down with things I’m not doing…and after two or three years, I have to ask myself why I’m not doing them. And why it bothers me so much to give them up.

Guess what I found while cleaning today? My 17-year-old self’s New Year’s resolutions. Written at 2:00 a.m. on January 1, 1992, in purple fountain pen ink (it was my thing), were the following resolutions (one for each year I’d been alive…I used to do that).

1. gain weight
2. get a car
3. get a job
4. take better care of myself
5. go to church at least once a month
6. get organized (and stay that way!)
7. cut down on the cigarettes
8. be as good of a person as I can be
9. get found!
10. enjoy life
11. do something fun every day
12. indulge myself in some way once a week
13. keep in touch with people I love
14. love me
15. get over the jealousy thing
16. be less insecure
17. be healthy, happy, young, and mature

I signed it with “I promise to try my best to keep these resolutions in this New Year.”

My first reaction was “how little things change.” Then I noticed I’d crossed off 2, 14, and 16 (because I guess I felt I’d accomplished them?). Well, I did get a car. I don’t know if I have met 14 and 16 yet, though I’m far closer than I was back then.

What have I accomplished?
1: I may be on the thin side these days, but I’m heavier than I was then.
2: Bought and paid for (in full, thank you very much) with my very own money.
3: Got one; want a different one.
4: Unequivocably.
5: Have realized in the intervening years that I’m an atheist, so this one no longer applies.
6: For the most part, yes.
7: I’ve come full circle on this one; I smoke just as much now as I did back then, and far less than I did in the years between.
8: Could be better, could be worse. This is more of an ongoing goal.
9: Still don’t have the answer for this one.
10: Or this one.
11: I make a point of it. Even if it’s something as simple as reading webcomics.
12: Not been so great at this. But I’m working on it.
13: I really suck at this one…I try, but I’ve got unanswered email in my inbox going back to March.
14: More than I did then.
15: Yeah, for the most part. The jealously stemmed from my fear of being alone. I’m no longer afraid of being alone, so it’s a non-issue. Which leads to
16: In some areas, I’ve done outstandingly well at this. Still suck at social situations, but I have more confidence in my abilities than I’ve ever had.
17: I’m sure this meant something really deep to my adolescent self, but damned if I can figure out what I was talking about. I’m somewhat healthy, somewhat happy, somewhat young, and somewhat mature. For what it’s worth. :)

All in all, not bad. Though I am amused that some of the goals have been on my list for 18 years.

all the entries I’ve posted to this goal.

I’m surprised I have held on to you subscribers. I’ve been whining a one-note tune for a very long time now.

The Tao of Road House. It’s amazing what you can get used to.

I’m contemplating a change. A big change. Maybe not a smart one, but my “smart” decisions have brought me here. Maybe a less calculated one is in order.

Watch this space…

EDIT: Ha! The sidebar quote that appeared after I posted this:

“Most people burn out because they have never been on fire.”
- David Head

Where’s my lighter?

Was having a pity party via text with my BFF, D, earlier. He sent me an “I love you” message just as I was contemplating how pathetic I am.

_{Catless crazy cat lady…workaholic who hates her job…you get the idea.}

“So make the life you want,” he says. “Figure out what you don’t like about your life, and change it.”

I am. I am doing 43 things. Just…none of them are happening terribly quickly. I’m making plans, lots of ‘em. Laying groundwork. But changing my life? Not hardly. Not yet. The only difference between me now and me two years ago is

- my hair is longer,
- I can buy food without bouncing checks, and
- I smoke less.

Ooh. Big changes, there.

But then I look at my list and remind myself that I am going somewhere. I’ve done a lot of things – not life-altering things, but I’ve not just been sitting on my hands. So perhaps I am changing my life, and I just can’t see it because I’m in the middle of it.

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself to get out of this funk.

_{As I was typing this, D sent me another text: “Love you, crazy cat lady.” I think I’ve just acquired a new nickname.}

In 2 days, I’ve lost 2.2 lbs. Not water weight, either. And things aren’t going to calm down for at least a month.

I don’t know how I’ll go about changing it, but this is not the life I want to live.

Lately, I find myself looking for a religion. My beliefs have not changed. So why the search?

I think what I want is a community. People like me, that I can talk to about things without the massive disconnect I have with everyone I know. It’d be nice to have a place to go, to feel…well, fellowship.

When we first moved here, everyone recommended we go to church to meet people. Well, we weren’t really church-going people (though my parents are Catholic), and even when we did go to church, we never spoke to anyone.

And now, well, a typical church isn’t the sort of place where I’ll find like-minded people. Every day, I talk to people who chalk things up to “fate” and “God’s will”...and I have to bite my tongue, because I just don’t believe in those things.

I’ve been looking into a group, the Non-Theist Friends. They seem to come closer to my beliefs than any other group I’ve come across, and the people on the list seem (for the most part) to be less cantankerous than most online groups I’ve joined. (I’m still lurking on the list; not quite sure what to say yet, or if I’m sticking around.) There’s no group in my area (a theist one, but not a non-theist one), so even if I decide I fit with them, I won’t have a local community.

I’m looking for a sense of belonging. A community to be a part of, particularly when I have a child. I lead a rather solitary life; most of my social interaction involves a keyboard. I don’t want my child to live this way.

How can I make the most of my 30s if I don’t know what I mean by “make the most of”?

How can I create the life I want to live if I don’t know what that is?

I have a vague mental image of what I want. But other than a few sketchy details, I can’t really pin it down. I used to know. But I’ve changed since then.

Maybe I should work at figuring exactly what I’m working toward.