post random thoughts

Even if you’re not into Doctor Who, have never heard of Doctor Who, or don’t like cake, you gotta admit this is cool:

Birth of a 50-lb Tardis cake.

::end geeking::

My Last Words was not really the best episode for me to watch tonight.

At least I stocked up on Kleenex.

My favorite day of the year!

“Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it’s true love, and the answer is this: when the pain doesn’t fade and the scars don’t heal, and it’s too damned late.” -Jonathan Tropper

_{Maybe not true love, but true friendship, mixed with just enough physical attraction to thoroughly confuse our adolescent selves.}

An old friend of mine was killed in Iraq yesterday. We were super close in high school. Then we embarked on a long-distance relationship my first semester of college – a rebound for both of us, as we’d both just been dumped by our high school sweethearts. And I broke his heart.

He never spoke to me again. I wrote him two letters, one of which I actually sent, after college. I tried finding him online, but never could.

Now I can. The first search result is his obituary.

He was the person I could call at 2 a.m. He understood me, at a time when I barely understood myself. And no matter how bad things were, he could always make me laugh. Always.

I never gave up hope that someday he’d contact me. That we could be friends again. I don’t have many friends from back then. And there’s not been many people since him that I’ve been so close with. I always imagined that, once we started talking again, we’d fall into that rhythm we used to have. The years would drop away. Perhaps I was deluding myself. A lot of years have gone by, and we’ve both changed. But once you’ve been that close with someone, the love never really goes away completely. Does it?

I’m sorry, Dave. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for pushing you away. You were the only one who was always on my side. The only one who didn’t make me feel like a freak. The only one who gave me the strength to get through. You knew me better than anyone. Well enough to know that if you didn’t tell me to date while you were away, I’d never go out – how many guys would do that, especially at that age? You made me believe in myself, at a time when I thought it was impossible to do so.

I have so many things I want to tell you. I’ve never stopped missing our 2 a.m. calls…god knows there have been nights I could have used a friendly voice.

I don’t even know how your life has gone – did you marry? Have kids? Were you happy? Did you believe in what you were doing? Oh, I hope so.

Of all the people I’ve lost over the years, you’re the one I’ve missed the most. And now the pain never will fade, and the scars will never heal, because it’s too damn late.

I keep a bookmarks folder of stuff I’d like to have someday (when/if I have disposable income again). As Mom and I are starting our Christmas lists today, I thought I’d go through it to get ideas – I never can think of what I want until she’s done shopping, because I don’t think in terms of stuff I want. (Not stuff that is Christmas gift material, anyway. For instance, I would love new bedroom furniture…mine’s 50 years old if it’s a day. Hard to put that under the tree, though.)

My wish list is hampered by the fact that my parents will not shop online. Most of my wants are things you can’t buy at Target. So what did I come up with?

-A book that will not come out until December 29
-A lumbar pillow
-A new shower curtain for the front bathroom

Guess I’m asking for books again.

...sorry for the rambles.

My favorite morning DJs (Drake and Zeke, for anyone in the Memfuss area) surprised me this morning by extolling the virtues of one of my favorite authors, Jonathan Tropper. They compared him to Pat Conroy, who I’ve just discovered (reading Prince of Tides at the moment), which for some reason filled me with pride. I feel like Tropper’s secret cheerleader sometimes…I know my friends are getting tired of hearing his books quoted at every given opportunity.

Then they said something that stopped me dead: that all of Tropper’s main characters are filled with self-loathing.

Part of what I like so much about his work is that, in almost all of his books (Plan B being the only exception), I have related strongly with the main character. Does that mean I loathe myself? Possibly.

Probably.

But how do I stop?

Two quotes that seem especially relevant to me at the moment:

“When you start envying people their nervous breakdowns, it’s probably time to start examining your own life a bit more closely.”

and

“Somewhere, there’s a therapist sitting alone in his office, staring wistfully at the door, wishing for a patient like you.”

but I don’t. So I’ll put this here.

New necklace for sale: http://tinyurl.com/ykprqab. I look awful in orange, or I’d keep this for myself. It’s so pretty! I’m considering making myself one in silver.

_{Now back to your regularly scheduled self-improvement posts.}

but let’s just say this hasn’t been the happiest of weeks.

_{Nothing R related, for the regulars…bigger than that.}

I’m not sure I know how to deal with this. So, at least for tonight, I won’t.

_{Sorry about that. Carry on.}

Roanoke Catholic is now following me on Twitter. What in the world did I say to catch their attention?