discover what makes me happy

I’m so tense this morning. I meant to get up at 5 so I could knock out some of my journal work before my “real” job starts. But I was out late last night training my jewelry instructor in Photoshop (I teach her PS, she teaches me jewelry techniques for just the cost of the materials…sweet deal!), plus I had to take Dimetapp to counteract my allergies (she has a cat). So I was dragging at 5; it took me an hour to get out of bed. Which means I only got one of the journal projects done. And R is going to be gone all weekend visiting his parents, so that second project is going to have to wait until Monday.

This week I went on an overnight business trip (Monday), did some exercises for one journal (Tuesday, Thursday, Friday), took a metal clay class (Wednesday), and taught PS (Thursday). Anya cries every time I grab my purse now. I’m wrung out. And I didn’t accomplish much of what I set out to do.

I just don’t think I can do it all. Freelance for two journals, take a jewelry class, teach PS, and work full time. (Did I mention I was hired full time? I was, this week. Awesomesauce.) And then there’s grad school this fall, and of course Anya.

I do this to myself. I say I want to cut back, but once I do, I start filling my time up again. In my defense, I didn’t know I’d be starting FT this soon. But still…what am I doing? I should drop one, if not both, of the journals. Sure, I could dig myself out of debt faster if I worked them too, but I’ve got to sleep sometime.

It occurs to me how small some of my goals are. I’m micromanaging myself. Yes, I want to floss every day and do more yoga and take better care of myself in general. And yes, those things will increase my overall happiness. But I think what will really improve my life overall is if I stop staring at my shoelaces and look up and out.

What is it that I really want from this life?

I have a large portion of it already. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving partner, a job I love with a fantastic company. My biggest gripe right now is our lack of financial security. I’m still trying to find a way to get more editing business, but I’d also like to find a way to earn money doing other things I love – like jewelry making, for instance.

Part of this stems from the realization that I will probably never be able to retire. But if I’m doing stuff I truly love, I won’t feel the need to retire.

Also, why should I wait until I’m old to do stuff I love all day long? What kind of mindset is that?

Right now, I’m sitting in my computer chair, watching Doctor Who while I work. I have good coffee and nutritious food at my fingertips. (And tasty junk, too. I’m not that saintly.)

If my child needs me, I can be there in two seconds. If she has a bad dream, gets mad at Dada, hurts herself, or just misses me…I’m there.

I have lunch with her every day. I have the energy to play with her in the evening. Often, we spend the whole afternoon just hanging out.

I’m currently doing laundry and baking bread as I work. I may be behind on the housework, but nothing like I was when I was working in an office. (And trust me…I didn’t have time to do laundry then, let alone bake bread.)

Granted, I could use a little more financial stability, some decent insurance. But we’re getting by.

Everyone assumes I will go back to work when she goes to school. Everyone assumes she will go to school. To both, I ask, “Why?” Why did I wait so long to have a child, just to send her off to a bunch of strangers to raise? I love spending time with her. She’s an awesome kid. I want to spend all of my days with her, not just evenings and weekends. That sounds more like visitation to me.

Why would I want to return to office life? Buy a second set of “proper” clothes, deal with the politics that go with working in a group setting, swill crappy coffee just to get through the day?

While there are portions of my present I would change, right now I’m living my dream. I spend my day with my child, working on my own terms, from the comfort of my own home. Maybe that’s not your dream. But it’s still a valid one. And I’m not trading mine for yours for any reason.

Seems like whenever someone stops doing what they “should” do and does something different, and they are of a certain age (not young or old, as such behavior is expected then), they’re accused of having a mid-life crisis.

That’s not fair. Is it really a crisis if you’ve just realized that doing things the “right” way isn’t working for you and try something else? Is it really so much smarter to keep doing the same thing even though the results are unsatisfactory?

I’m not having a crisis. I’m implementing a course change while I’m young enough for it to make a difference.

_{Mind you, I’m still having an issue with ties, but I was born with those ties. And that’s a subject for another post.}

_{Yes, I’m heinously introspective this week.}

What is happiness, anyway? Sounds like a stupid question, but it’s one I’ve given a lot of thought lately.

I always thought having a child would “complete” me. That once I did that, I would want for nothing more. All of my petty grievances would pale in comparison to this great thing I did. (I thought the same about getting a job and getting married, too. You’d think I’d learn.) And in many ways, it has completed me. (Which is bringing about a whole new set of problems…but I’ll save those for another post.) No matter what happens during the day, coming home to snuggle up with my smiling, laughing baby takes it all away. She fills holes I didn’t even know I had.

But.

I had this candy-coated idea of what maternity leave would be like. Three months of nothing but time with my child. Snuggling, playing, nursing, sleeping, going for walks in the sunshine (remember, the c-section was unplanned), showing her the world. (Those of you with children, try to control the snickering.) I thought coming back to work would be hell. And in a lot of ways, it is. But I learned something about myself while I was on leave: I need to use my brain. Just caring for my child and taking care of the housekeeping isn’t enough. I need the mental challenge. I also need the income, and the freedom; I hate relying on someone to take care of me, even if they swear they don’t mind doing it. Being dependent upon someone for everything from food and shelter to the smallest of errands whilst I hold the baby and watch bad daytime TV crushes me emotionally.

So you’d think this setup would be the best of both worlds. In the morning, I walk A next door to my parents’ house, where my dad (who dotes on A, to the point of thinking the rest of us don’t take good enough care of her) watches her for me. I come in to work free of the worry that something will happen to her, and also free of the financial burden of daycare. I work all day – doing work I love and am good at, drive home, and spend my evening with her and R. (Yes, I actually get to see R these days. Crazy, right?)

But it’s not enough. I spend more time here than I do with her, and I hate every second of it. I know I need the job, for all of the reasons mentioned above, but I resent the hell out of the job at the same time. So I’m trying (as posted yesterday) to find a happy medium. Maybe if I were working from my house, with A next door where I could see her at any moment, I wouldn’t feel so torn.

Or maybe not. But I have to try.

Found some blog entries my wasband wrote about me. Frighteningly recently, considering that his life’s supposedly improved so much since we split. Apparently I’m one of the most “despicable, disgusting” people he’s ever met.

We got divorced nearly a decade ago. For him to still hold such hatred is really quite sad.

I don’t hate him. I’m just glad he’s out of my life. What a vortex of negativity.

But reading that pile of vomit made me realize something. I’ve been skittish over remarrying for nothing. I’m not the same person I was back then. R is the polar opposite of my wasband. Our relationship is nothing like my marriage. Or any of my other past relationships, for that matter.

I won’t say R is perfect, or our relationship is perfect. Nothing’s perfect. But we’re good together. I make him happy. And he makes me happy. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been able to say that about anybody. Marrying him would not be repeating past mistakes. (Could be a whole new mistake…you never know. But at least it’d be a different mistake.)

So maybe we should throw a party, celebrate, make it official. Not this year, of course…we’re going to be a little busy. But maybe next year.

Okay, for a lot of reasons I do need a new job. That’s been evident for a long time now. But lately, it’s become clear to me that I’ve outgrown this one.

I’ve been trying to push my company into new directions online. Nothing earth-shattering…nothing that would even cost them a cent, really. Just trying to re-evaluate what we offer in terms of online content and interaction. A little time and effort would make a huge difference. But I keep meeting with resistance.

I don’t know why. Is it that they’re afraid of trying new things? That the powers-that-be are too behind the times to see the possibilities? Or is it just a reluctance to go the extra mile? (I know one coworker in particular would resent the intrusion of extra work upon internet play time, and fights such suggestions tooth and nail. I hate to think the word of such a person counts more than mine, but am not naive enough to think that means it doesn’t. I have no power, and little influence.)

I want to do something that matters. Right now, I feel like I’m shoveling poo against the tide.

Thing is, I really thought having a baby would fill that hole. And perhaps it will help somewhat. But I’ve come to realize how much of my identity is wrapped up in what I do. How much of my self-worth comes from solving problems, coming up with new ideas, learning and doing cool things.

In the past couple of years, out of necessity, I’ve streamlined my workflow tremendously. (My current job description includes the responsibilities of four positions. And we just keep adding more!) Now, I have things running so smoothly that I have managed to not just keep up with my workload but get ahead, in preparation for my maternity leave…plus keep up with industry blogs, make suggestions for expansion in our online content and social media integration, and work on my indexing training. All while pregnant and exhausted.

So yeah, I get a little frustrated when I make a suggestion and am dismissed out of hand. Particularly when the idea comes back later on because someone else suggested it.

Maybe just pulling a paycheck is sufficient for some people, but I want to feel good about what I do. And I want to work with people who are equally committed to their jobs.

I’ve kept an eye out, but right now all I could apply for would be telecommuting positions…and all I’m seeing there are contract gigs. I just don’t see anyone hiring me for a 6-month gig when I’ll be out for 3 of those months. So mostly I’m window shopping now, and making a list of companies to contact once I’m ready to start looking again – right now, I’m thinking January. But aside from that and maybe contacting a resume service, I don’t know what I can do that I’ve not already been doing. All I know is there’s got to be something better than this.

This article really nails it: Treat Yourself Like a Toddler (from The Happiness Project)

Why do we make considerations for children? Because their lives (and, by extension, ours) go much more smoothly if we do. Why don’t we give ourselves this same consideration?

• I require at least 7 hours of sleep or I get cranky. Less than 5 and I wind up taking a nap in the evening, which messes up my sleep schedule for the rest of the week.

_{This one’s obviously pre-pregnancy. Now, I can sleep anytime, anywhere. Two naps a day, and I can still sleep 12 hours that night. I did that last night, in fact.}

• I require at least 2 hours of downtime in the evening – preferably more. If that downtime doesn’t start until 11 p.m., I’ll violate the above requirement.

• I must eat every 4 hours – good, nutritious food. (Shorten that to 2 hours for pregnancy.) I also require a beverage in my hand constantly. (So reasonably clean, readily available bathrooms are also a must.)

• I need breaks from people, particularly on weeknights. I get crabby when R has guests over past my bedtime.

• I am happiest in a clean, uncluttered space. Messy areas and rooms crammed with things overwhelm me and make me generally nervous. (We’re working on this one.)

• I must always have a book to read. If I don’t read before bed, I don’t sleep well.

• My phone must be charged at all times, so I can check email when I get a free moment. I get cranky when I feel that I’m wasting time. (Lately, I’ve wasted a lot of time in waiting rooms.)

• I must have tea in the morning. Not for the caffeine – I gave that up. But I still require a hot beverage to kick-start me.

I’d do well to keep these things in mind, and be as considerate of myself as I would be a small child. Small unhappinesses chip away at larger happinesses.

I am never quite so happy as when I have something to obsess about. Even when that obsessing makes me unhappy. I’m far happier when I have something to throw myself into than when I don’t.

This year, obviously, I have been obsessed with my uterus. (Still am, though I’ve backed off a bit.) When, after the last miscarriage, I decided perhaps I needed something else to obsess about, I threw myself into Christmas.

My cards were ready the weekend of Thanksgiving. I completed my shopping a couple of weeks ago. There is a Christmasplosion beneath my tree. All I have left to do, in fact, is bake. Which I will do tomorrow.

Hard on the pocketbook, but I’ve been happier than I’ve been in months. I guess it’s not enough to just obsess over something; it has to be something I can do something about.

So I’m lining up goals for next year. I’ll finish my indexing courses. I’ll learn my design software and hone my skills. All the things I discussed in my last post. Also, I’ll learn how to knit. Sew. Knock some goals off the list (finally).

If I’m going to obsess, I may as well do so productively.

Recently, I redesigned a website for an affiliate company of my employer. I reorganized (and in a few places, rewrote) the content and created the new site design. It was so much fun, I’ve taken on one of our smaller websites – on my own time, and completely hush-hush for now. (I figure I’ll encounter less resistance – and less pestering – if no one knows I’m doing this until I’m done. Also, I have no time to work on it during business hours.)

This is the first thing that I’ve ever tried that encompasses so many of my skills and interests. Writing. Editing. Indexing. Graphic design. User experience. Websites.

I want to turn this into a career. There must be a need for it; I’ve encountered many people who can do some of the above, but not all. And if I learn to code, I’ll be a one-woman website machine.

Maybe then I could really get my freelancing business off the ground. Though I’m thinking I’ll need an additional business name for the design/web part of it.

The first step will be to finish my indexing training. Then I’ll wrap up my Photoshop and Illustrator training (I’ve stopped for the time being, because I’m about to get CS5). After that, I want to get some design theory background. Right now, my designs are part imitation, part shifting things around until the design stops sucking. With some theory under my belt, I’d probably work a lot faster.

If my brain has not completely turned to mush by then, I’ll look into learning code. I already know some…just not enough to build anything but basic web pages from scratch.

Having a plan is a major factor in my happiness. I’m just not a spontaneous, go-with-the-flow kind of person.