Learn to trust again, and trust wisely

but it did seem to happen when I wasn’t looking. I’ve started trusting my instincts about people, and as far as I can tell they’re pretty accurate.

So I’m going to keep doing that. And if I’m wrong, I’m going to do my best to accept it and move on instead of beating myself up for being naive. It’s time I start giving myself the same leeway I give others, and forgive myself a few mistakes. I get to have more friends that way.

that some of my problems may stem from people currently in my life. I think I said something about feeling good about myself when I am alone – it’s only when I’m around others that I start believing I suck. Well, gosh, there just might be a reason for that…many of the people I interact with every day tend to put me in that mindset. I wouldn’t say they do it intentionally (at least, I hope they don’t), but they do it nonetheless.

R makes me feel good about myself (most of the time), but I only see him on the weekends. Which leaves 5 full days for me to be smushed into submission by these other people.

I need new friends.

as “stop being so frickin’ paranoid.” I know R would appreciate it. :P I am trying, though. I even called him today, just to say hi. I’m also getting better at recognizing the stupid stuff that comes out of my mouth, and apologize for it afterwards if I can’t head it off at the pass.

But I really need to work on stopping the thoughts all together. He got a little frustrated with me this weekend because he thought I was comparing him to my exes. When in fact what I was doing was taking all the blame for being dumped and assuming he, too, would leave. I can’t believe that, after all this time, I’m still taking responsibility for those jerks. I know R would never treat me the way they did. I’m not saying he doesn’t have faults, but he’s not an ass.

I’m a grown woman. The adolescent angst needs to go.

R and I talked a bit (I’m getting better at voicing my feelings – huge step for me), and I feel a lot better about us as a result. I know he’s still hesitant to voice his feelings, but he seems to be opening up a little more. I’m starting to believe that this will work. Not just because of the butterflies and the common interests (and, well, the superb pizza :D), but because we’re working at smoothing out the rough spots. Which is an entirely new experience for me. I might possibly be embarking on the first adult relationship of my life here.

Interesting side note: I’ve been more vocal about my thoughts and feelings with everyone recently. Not in a mean way, but just telling it as I see it. And I’ve been accused of being a b!tch for this. Which leads me to ask: Are they saying that because women aren’t supposed to be outspoken, or am I really, deep down, a b!tch?

My aunt, who’s had more health problems than I can name, had surgery last week to remove a brain tumor. At first she appeared to be doing fine, but now she’s having hallucinations. According to my mom, whose mother died of breast cancer, this could be a very bad sign indeed.

In my teens, I was very close to my aunt and her two daughters – she was like a second mother to me, and her daughters more like sisters than cousins. Then I had my little meltdown and let the relationship slide, as I did all my other relationships. We’ve made some steps in recent years to stay in touch, but life happens and you put off that letter one more day/week/month/year. Now I may never have the chance to reconnect with my aunt. But I’m going to do what I can to reach out to my cousins. You just never know when you’ll run out of chances.

I talked with R about a lot of things…the way I’ve been treated in the past, and how it hurts me when he doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do (or does do it, but late…like showing up over 5 hours late yesterday). I don’t think he quite gets it, how these things shake my trust, but he has said he will try to do better. I feel a lot better about where we stand now; I think he’s scared of letting someone in, and also he’s just not all that experienced when it comes to relationships, but he is trying.

I’m going to do my part, too. Instead of taking it personally, and putting my life on hold for him, I’m going to start looking out for myself more. Like yesterday. Instead of sitting here waiting for him, I should have gone out and got some food (I didn’t have any, and was starving by the time he finally rolled in), run my errands, gotten some things done. If he came by and I wasn’t here, well, whose fault would that have been?

based on a conversation I had with Charlie today. I posted that long, long story in my journal…I wanted to get that stuff out there, and I’m just more comfortable typing at people than talking to them, especially about stuff like this. It turns out Charlie’s been feeling really bad about it since then – he was one of the unsympathetic boyfriends after the fact. He apologized (in his own way, of course); he didn’t realize how his behavior made me feel.

I guess people aren’t mind readers, huh?

Anyway, it made me realize, yet again, that relationships aren’t black and white. There aren’t good people and bad people…just people, who sometimes do good things and sometimes do bad things. And it’s really stupid of me to shut everybody out because of bad things a handful of people did to me years ago. To do so means I miss out on all the good things people do.

but…I don’t think this one is going to happen.

I’m currently in a fume about the phone message from the creditor for my wasband (or his dad/brother/whoever). Whatever this is about, they started doing it after the divorce. If it were for Chris, they wouldn’t be asking for Robert. (Unless, as I’ve wondered, he started going by his middle name to further confuse said creditors. My money’s on his dad, though.)

I feel so…violated. They gave out my phone number! And hell, maybe my address, too…why not? And now I’m getting these phone calls, and I don’t know what to do. Move? Change my number?

I’m extra miffed because R didn’t call me all day, then left me a myspace message telling me he’s in a bad mood and doesn’t want to see me tonight. Trust level’s currently red, or swirly purple, or whatever our government calls “really frickin’ bad, mkay?”

I did not need all this after coming home from this trip. I’m already exhausted, sore, and sick from road food. I just wanted a hug, damn it.

What happened is this: R comes home (did I mention his sister dragged him out for a week of house-hunting at the other end of the state?), calls me and asks me to come meet his sister. We hang out with his dad and his sister’s boyfriend, have a great time (and many beers), and at the end of the evening we wander upstairs to bed. We’re having one of those inebriated conversations, and I point out that his whole family thinks I’m his girlfriend. So he asks – this is so cute – if I will go out with him. And it dawns on me that no one has ever asked me that before. Of course I said yes.

The next day, I had a little panic moment…is this what I want? I said I was done dating! And then I looked at him and realized I had to jump sometime. I’ve been single for over a year. I’ve proved I can make it on my own. We’ve been seeing each other for nearly 6 months now. He makes me happy. As far as I can tell, I make him happy. And while there are some (huge) differences between us, we do seem to work together.

I do still have to tell myself, “trust him.” Trust doesn’t come as easily now as it did when I was 17 (or even 27). It’s an effort, at least for now. But I’ve come to realize that if I don’t make the effort now, I may never trust anyone again…and that’s a damn lonely way of life.