be here now

Had one of those Saturday-morning epiphanies again. On rare occasions, my now is actually pretty sweet. It’s easy to live in the moment at those times. Typically, though, I’m dissatisfied with my now. So I’m constantly striving to improve my tomorrow, as a way to deal with my now.

_{When I was younger, I lived in the past and worried about the future. Now, I worry about the now and live in the future. I’m doing things backwards…again.}

I am, however, also aware of my own folly.

- I really want a baby. But I know, despite my warm-n-fluffy feelings about kids, that to have one is to bring an entirely new set of stressors into my life. And what if I can’t have one? What will that knowledge, absolute and unchanging, do to my future plans?

- I really want to freelance full time. But that’s slow going, so I’ve dialed it down a bit. I believe I could get a better job, or at least expand my freelance business enough to make more (regular) money. However, I know that there are good and bad points to all jobs, and that I might be trading one evil for another. And if I freelance regularly in addition to my day job, I’ll spend virtually every free moment working (which makes me extremely unhappy, even when I love what I’m doing).

- I really want close ties with friends and family. Yes, I’m a loner by nature, but I do enjoy the company of others (in moderation) on a somewhat regular basis. But putting your happiness in other people is sometimes dangerous. People are unreliable at best. They have bad days. They say and do mean things. And then they’re fine and wonder why you’re so crabby.

This seems to be my trifecta of dissatisfactions. I live alone. I spend most of my free time working, or stressing about work. I have no one to kiss goodbye in the morning or hug in the evenings. While I dream of a day when my basic situation will change, I have to accept that it may not. Ever. And, deep down, I will believe I have wasted my life if the second half goes like the first did.

So I’m making a goal – a companion piece to this one – that will help me discover what makes me happy. And the future doesn’t count.

Another great blog article, this time from Escape from Cubicle Nation. The title? How to Get Your Mojo Back. The post describes how, when you’re on the top of your game (no matter what the game is), you think you’ll never come down. But you do.

So what do you do then? (Says the girl who’s been at the bottom of more mountains than she cares to admit.)

Remember what you felt, not what you did.

At the beginning of anything great, there is a heated rush, excitement and flow. Think of a great romance in your life: in the first few weeks, you floated around with a big smile on your face, amazed at the generosity of the universe and the beauty of every living thing.

This is beginner mind.

And to be a beginner, you have to let go of the past. Let go of the future. You have to stay in the moment, experiencing each second as it comes, and maintain faith that each will be as wonderful as the last.

I’m smiling as I type this. Because I’ve been there. Over and over again. Of course, things never stayed great. But for a while, I believed they would.

Considering how most of those experiences ended, it’s a wonder that the memory of their beginnings can still make me smile. Maybe all is not lost. Maybe I can reclaim the beginner mind – and hang on to it this time.

a better now.

Odd because I feel like crap, I’ve let things pile up, and nothing in my basic situation has changed: Still broke, still working the same crappy job, still have a somewhat unsatisfying personal life.

On top of the general period-related yuckness, I’m still quite congested; my nose is making embarrassing noises, and no amount of sinus medication helps. I’m also groggy from the pain pill I had to take yesterday.

And today I have to clean the house, go to the grocery store, bake a cake (and perhaps plan a meal for Da’s birthday), wrap his present, take out trash, pick up my prescription, and get an oil change. In addition, I’d hoped to clean out my email, look for jobs, and finish the sweater I’m working on. I can’t work up the motivation to take a shower.

But I’m in a good mood. I guess that counts for something. :)

Saw my ex at the Eddie Izzard concert tonight. Wow. He’s really, well, dorky. In no way does he measure up to R. I should send him a thank-you card for dumping me.

_{Or leave town. I really do have quite a lot of exes here…the kind you’re better off never seeing again.}

I was watching an indexing seminar earlier, and the speaker stressed the concepts of making goals and rewarding yourself for those goals. As an example, she told the story of two teams setting out to reach the Arctic Circle (I think that’s where they were going, anyway). One team set the goal of 15 miles a day. When they reached the 15-mile point, they stopped and made camp (“had cocoa,” she said). The second team, upon reaching the 15-mile point, pushed just a little further.

Everyone on the second team died on the way home. The dogs from the first team didn’t make it (because you can’t give dogs cocoa, I presume?), but all the people did. The moral, she says, is that you shouldn’t push yourself too hard, and that you should reward yourself when you reach your goals.

This concept is one that I know instinctively (and advise others on), but is one I have a hard time incorporating into my own behavior. Which is stupid – I learned in college what happens when I push myself too hard, and wait for the rewards to come at some later (unset) date.

I think I get it now. Stop and drink the cocoa, or you’ll die. Well, maybe that’s a little drastic, but at the very least you’ll have no damn fun whatsoever. And what’s the point in that?

Lovely snuggle with R tonight…it took him half an hour to pry himself off the bed and go home. I feel like crap still, but I managed to forget that for a while with him holding me. I need more moments like that. Or more to the point, I need to stop multitasking and enjoy the moments as they come.

Part of being in the present and the future is letting go of the past. I’ve told myself I’ve held on to the past in order to prevent myself from making the same mistakes over and over again. I’m ever vigilant, reading into each comment and gesture (and the lack thereof). I speak of my exes far too much, either through stories of things they’ve done or by way of comparing how great the current boyfriend is. I carry the wrongs done to me around like a steamer trunk.

Well, screw that. I mean, I don’t even carry a big purse, yet I’ve saddled myself with all this baggage.

I’m tired of being in my head. I’m tired of being so distrustful of people. But most of all, I’m tired of reliving the hurt I’ve been through, even though I had good intentions. From now on, I’m going to do my best to shift my thinking from the past to the present (and future).

at least in terms of my mood. I’ve blamed the recent bad moods on hormonal fluctuations…but maybe I’m just tired, you know? It seems like (as in years past) I’m the one pulling the holiday cheer train, to a chorus of complaints and ingratitude. And as always, I’m finding myself in a grump at the eleventh hour. I didn’t buy enough or do enough, not that it’s appreciated anyway, and I’m sitting home alone on a rainy day when everyone else is out doing things (granted, not all of them fun things, but still – out).

Then I look at my email, and my MySpace, and this site, and think maybe I’m just looking at the bad. I’ve got some really cool people in my life, even if they’re not all close by, and there’s enough holiday cheer out there to lift my spirits. (And I know, deep down, that the grumpy ones will pull their heads out of their rears sooner or later if I’m just patient.) I do this for a reason: Because it’s important to celebrate with your loved ones while you can. Even if they’re acting like bumhugs (ty, Stephen King, for that word of the week).

Thanks, guys. I needed a lift, and you gave it to me. I’m going to go shower, put on a holiday shirt, and go shop for something delicious to eat on Christmas. :)

forgive me. :) I just wanted to note a few fundamental differences between my relationship with R and previous disasters relationships.

- We are happy to see each other, even if we are not happy in general.

- We are thankful of the little things each of us do for the other, and say so.

- We are mindful of each other regardless of the situation.

These seem to be small things, but they add up. We are grateful for each other, and for the experiences we have together. We don’t take each other for granted. Par for the course for the first few dates, or months, but we’re absolutely at ease with each other – and we’re still this way.

I like it. A lot. I feel it sets a good tone for our relationship.