stop being afraid

I’ve been jobless now for the past few months and its time for me to get a job. I need structure and I need somewhere to be each day. But part of me is afraid to have a job now. What if I screw it up? What if I get super frustrated each day and what if I can’t learn what I need to know. What if what if… I’ve been trying to figure out a way to feel more confident and I think the only way is to do things that scare me or just to try new things, even if I suck at them at least I will feel a sense of accomplishment and out of that accomplishment should grow some confidence.

Recently I drove home to small town GA to spend some time with my mom and then time with friends in Atlanta. While with my mom I met up with my best friend from high school and her mom. Her mom expressed suprise when she learned that I drove from Chicago to GA alone and asked “weren’t you afraid?” I was saying no, of course not when my mom interjected “She’s not afraid of anything. She never has been.” WTF?! I tried to set the record straight and said “no, no, no- I’m afraid of everything,” but no one paid me any heed. I was surprised and yet secretly pleased. Now I need to live up to my mom’s opinion of me.

So I didn’t exactly conquer my fear of being fired. I was fired. It wasn’t terrible- in fact, everyone involved was super nice about it and now I have some time to decide my next move.

Ok, not really. At least, not in the crazy way. I mean, I seem like a normal person. I don’t break into hives if I step on a crack and I’m not afraid of germs. Actually, I just realized that I’m super not afraid of germs. Yay me. But back to the fear. I’m afraid of my car breaking down in Chicago traffic. I’m afraid of falling in the snow. I’m afraid of falling when it’s not snowing. I’m afaid of driving in the snow. Am I fully aware, you might be asking yourself, of the irony of living in Chicago, by choice, when I am so freaking afraid of snow? I’m afraid the answer is yes.

I’m afraid that I will wake up one day and realize I pissed my life away. I’m afraid my dream of writing is only a pipe dream. I’m afraid I will get fired. I’m afraid I won’t get fired and I will have to quit my job. I’m afraid I will never figure out my vocation. I’m afraid I will end up in debt again. I’m afraid of losing my teeth. I’m afraid of loud noises. Ok, so is everyone, but still. I’m afraid I will be fat the rest of my life. I’m afraid my boss now hates me. I’m afraid I won’t get a good reference when I leave my job. I’m afraid I won’t ever be happy like a normal person is happy. I’m afraid I will always be who I am now and not who I want to be.