feel the fear and do it anyway

S hasn’t called and it’s making me upset, down, and in a bad mood. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on today and we don’t have a plan to get together and that’s bad. And I don’t want to call him – it’s annoying and I don’t want to be annoying either. That won’t help either of us.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a plan. I like lists, I like plans, and I embrace that part of myself. It’s something I bring to this relationship. But there are times when it’s not such a big deal, and too, to feel like you NEED the plan or otherwise you feel miserable to the core of you is not good. There is something deeper going on, I realize that, otherwise it would be a mild irritation and a not a blow to my sense of self.

So what is it that I fear by his not calling and not coming up with a plan? It is that I fear he doesn’t love me or want to be with me? That might be part of it. And then why would I believe that? Because I’m harboring some belief that I’m not interesting or fun or good enough to want to be with?

So for today I am going to try to STOP this pattern of thought and feeling. I am doing my work, focusing on what I need to get done. Keeping myself happy about the work. Then I’ll go home and do whatever I need to do until I go up to S’s. Staying light-hearted, happy, fully in my intentions, being MYSELF.

I don’t really know where to post this, so I’m putting it here. Because it’s about feeling something but wanting to go on.

I have been feeling anxious/down the last day or so. And that put me into a cycle of bad sleep and more anxiety. Meditation and relaxation exercises didn’t help. Staying up kept me thinking, which didn’t help.

And here’s Monday again, and it’s the same old stuff. Same problems, same worries. I tried to picture what I would do if I could be doing anything at all, and I couldn’t even come up with one thing.

But it is springtime in Providence. I just went out for a few minutes, and the air was warm. The trees are in full flowering mode. I got a vision of myself on a balcony in the warm air, reading a book. Even though I had to come back inside to work, it was a soothing thought.

So what is there this sad little scared feeling that wants to hold on? It won’t let me be that completely “chill” person, the other half. It wants to call S and say I’m not happy. It wants to worry and wallow in the not feeling well. It wants to ruin my productivity, and ruin my health. And it did, for two days and nights. I want it to be gone!

And it’s the biggest month ever! I have three homework assignments (working on one right now) and the Final. Because I did so badly on the midterm, the final will be even more important.

I’m working a little better tonight – nothing like last time on the HW. I have it halfway done and am not NEARLY as anxious. I hope this is a real change.

The statistics exam is Thursday morning. and I keep asking myself WHY am I putting myself through this!

It took all evening for me to get my butt in the chair to study. I think I was even afraid to open the notes because there’s so much I don’t understand. But at 10:30 I finally sat down (after doing laundry, taking a shower, having dinner, knitting a few rows, making a call, etc. HA!).

And it went okay. I know I’m making this very scary in my head, and I think that shuts down my ability to think.

I haven’t been in school for 10 years. I’m kind of out of the rhythm of it. And I have a newfound (renewed) respect for people who go to school after they have full-time jobs, and whoa, throw in a family, I don’t know how it’s done!

“To venture causes anxiety. Not to venture is to lose oneself.”
- Kierkegaard