really love myself and express it

because I’m willing to give love and affection.

in which I find it hard to love myself (sigh)

In My Mind

Amanda Palmer

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I’m a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover

Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I’m in
And I will be someone I admire

And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how
To see
That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be

And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I’ve become in-control somehow
And I never lose my wallet

Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I’ll be a good defensive driver

And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how
To see
That I’ll never be the person that I thought I’d be

And in my mind
When I’m old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over

Not like me now
I’m so busy with everything
That I don’t look at anything
But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older

And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
That that’s not what I want
But that’s what I wanted
That I’d be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don’t want to be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren’t really happening
And when they put me in the ground

I’ll start pounding the lid
Saying, “I haven’t finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
It says, ‘I’m living in the moment’”

And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn’t all that funny
That I’ve been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it’s funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it’s funniest of all
To think I’ll die before I actually
See
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

Fuck yes

I am exactly the person that I want to be

because I am kind, loyal and brave.

...because I am strong and I do not give up.

because I’m committed to changing my bad habits.

even when I make silly choices. I understand that I’m trying to do my best.

...because I’m trying to love myself more. I’m learning to accept me just the way I am. I still have a lot to do in this area to love me no matter what..but I love the fact that I’m really committed to improve my self-esteem.

...even when I catch myself making the same mistakes. (sigh)

...even now, when I totally regret my nasty habit of working only under pressure.