post bad jokes

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Maria. When I took “early retirement” last year, it became necessary for Maria to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maria. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other…..

Signed,
Bob

EDITOR’S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Maria was arrested and charged with murder: however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he ‘accidentally’ sat down on it very suddenly.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop’s expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ’ Licence and registration, please.’
London Lawyer says, ‘What for?’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’

London Lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.’

London Lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’
Glasgow cop says, ‘The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!’

London Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.’
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says ‘Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?’

beer.

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing….

“I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won’t call you ‘Bob the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!”

“I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won’t call you ‘Bob the house builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!”

“I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that here people won’t call you ‘Bob the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!”

“But if you f#ck one sheep…....”

A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time.

While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, “What have you kids got back there?” The children then produced a very cute baby skunk.

The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this.

While he was reprimanding his children he hadn’t noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him.

He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. She said, “Where am I going to hide it?”

The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.

She said, “But it stinks!”

The father replied, “Well, can’t you just hold his little nose?”

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after working a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque at the counter, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,

“Well, that’s great…......that’s really great …..... some asshole’s got my pen”.

A farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbour and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbour says, “You can have this rooster. His name’s Roy. He’ll get all your hens pregnant. He’s a real stud.”

So the farmer takes Roy home and says, “It’s your first day so take it slow, okay?” The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed four ducks and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy in the farm yard, lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer cries, “Roy, why did you have to die?” Roy says, “Quiet! They’re about to land!”

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

It’s arse!