not let the little things in life bring me down

i’m much much better
i’ve re-red some of my books that helped me.
in fact i need to keep reading uplifting stuff on daily bases…

that is how i feel seing my 43T list: everything is laid out, i only need to do it!

so i need to replace that thinking with something usefull.
i feel sad and useless. no wonder i see no progress.

i might give up all goals that make me feel sad for not doing them. i might be in peace with them.
it is allways the same feeling of being out of sync, watching the life passing by. i want to discover core belief that undelies that kind of thinking.

{think think think}:

feeling powerless and restrained… sounds like childhood!
and unvisible.
OMG, such a relief – it is over long ago!
nobody is treating me that way any more.
except me.

now i want to see my goals as great and i want to love my goals.

why i beat myself so much? how to change it?

in childhood i learned i can’t do what i want.
so many years later, i still believe that.
it remind me of tying down an elefant.

of course you can’t tie an elefant, it can’t brake free from everything.
but when they are still babies, they are (for small amount of time daily) chained to a pole so they learn they can’t break free when tied. as they grow bigger, chain is replaced with weaker and weaker, and pole is smaller and smaller, too.
in one moment they become stronger than their ties. for the rest of their lives. but they don’t know that!

so, how you teach an elefant?
how to see the obvious?
DL, let me see!

sometimes i get really enthusiastic with something. in fact, very often.
but very rare are occasions when i actually start to do something i want to do. then i feel i finaly started to live and from now on, everything will be different.
but than i let my environment stop me.
and once stopped, i feel as much sad and disapointed as i was enthusiastic.
it is like i finaly got a curadge to spread my healed wings and fly a bit, taste life, enjoy at last, and something cuts them again! it hurts.

i feel i cant just get up and go on. i can’t force things. i can, but nothing good comes out of forcing (at least nothing come yet). that good feeling, i don’t know how to reproduce it. usualy it takes months, at least, to recover.

it is not all in my head. i used to never gave up hope until i sucseed. i believed everything is in head and if i decide firmly, eventualy i’ll succseed.
but every failure chipped away a bit of hope.
five years later, i start to think these were unrealistic expectations, not hope.

positive thinking alone didn’t help.

maybe i need to find a way to really adress passive agression of relashionship i am in.