Make 2009 My Best Year Yet

time to summarize.
meditation – now and then
training – once (or none) a week
love – blossoming <3 <3 <3
career – :-o
home – better than ever but, still not near the way i would like it and eating away my time
weight – almost there!
friends – calling them and being called
music – dissapointed with my choir, want to find something else. glad that i put all that effort, though.

in spite of all that, 2009 is my best year yet. there are moments of happines, and there are more of them than before and they last longer.

so yeah, i’ve reclaimed my life back, and we have no obligations any more except to each other. since a person who depended of him, is not with us any more.
he is back in my life, usualy it is great, and sometimes he makes me feel like total crap. does it prove we are wrong for each other? i feel so bitter.

some sort of vacuum -doing all sorts of things except those i decided to do.

after all said and (not) done, i ruined my sunday again. my last august sunday. if i hadn’t skip my fri weekly plan session, it wouldn’t happen. i totaly forgot it was my last sun before the event!!! i really need to print reminders and post them everywhere.
i stayed at home instead, decluttering. again! yes, i have my living room again, yes, it is great achievement, but was it worth it? no way!!!

why is it so hard to love self? to love, and to give love to own self. to give myself what i really need.

August’s totals: (current)
Swim: 2h 12m – 2000m (3x)

July’s totals:
Swim: 2h 10m – 4200m (3x)

I’m so sad! Sad and bitter. Of all seasons, missing the summer hurts the most!
This month I went swimming only 3 times. Well, it is immensly better than last summer but still. I missed this whole week since I have this small burn on my finger I didn’t want to soak in the pool.

I can’t sacrifice my life any more. That is something I need to solve. The feeling that my SO doesn’t understand this is weighting me down. He is sad I’m not helping him with his old mom. I need to live my life with or without anyone’s approval. It would be better if we could match our expectations from each other with the reality. The only approval I need is approval from my soul!!!

Now I need to put my act together and rescue what has left.
I’m tired of yet another to-do list and later dwelve over missed life.
Yes, a have made a plan for the next week. I also made a plan last friday for this week… I need to break free from this cycle.

I’m reading the book First Things First hoping that it will save me from misery. But only thing that can save me is myself.
I have my swimming gear, I have my Diva Cup. So!?

it would be easier if i actually get off the couch and DO SOMETHING

there are improvements on all fields, so it is much much better than ever, but far from good.
what i want is continuity. i would appretiate 4 steps forward, 1 backward, not vice versa.

1. meditation – there were good and bad days, i understand when i had “no time” for meditation, but i regred days when i skipped meditation for no reason. i went to several group meditation, it was great, i felt much beter these days, and want to make it weekly practice.

2. i’m around 72 again and again. there are bref moments when i go under 72. lately not paying attention on my food. eating stupid things that don’t satisfy me. i want to prepare quick but delicious meals for me.

3. it is sad that half of summer is over and my swimming is ocasional. sometimes the whole week passes without it, and that’s shame. i want to enjoy more! yes it is cumbersome sometimes, but it is cus i started over and over again too many times. month of august i declare month of swimming.

4. i forgot i wanted to use daily planning as the tool for hapier and more sane life. when i did it, results were spectacular. but it was long time ago. there is one important thing: under “wasted time” i put my geneaology research, but it is valuable work. the only trouble is that it is addiction i’m not in control of, so when a bug bites me, i spent days and days digging.

5. this is the best part! i’m actually reading papres for my research and writing review chapter since monday, and it is sometimes demanding, but i’m happy and excited for this. fortunatly there is plenty of high quality free resorces, esp. on schoolar.google.com

Overall it is not so bad as i feel, i only need to swim much more and eat somewhat better.

and review of my day:
1. some light excercise and a bit of tyding up my home NOPE
2. meditate SO-SO
3. take my nutritious and tastefull food to work NOPE
4. resist temptation to waste time at work and do the most important thing of the day first SO-SO
5. eat healthy NOPE
6. swim after work RARELY
7. meditate NOPE
8. cook, do chores, help my MIL, see friends HELP MY MIL ALMOST EVERDY DAY => EXOSTED!
9. stay away from TV and read papers and books instead O.K.!
10. go to sleep at decent hour NOPE.

i still believe it is possible, i am just too tired, it is too hot, i need to come home earlier, cut off TV, plan my day.

i had enough. it is time to cut the sh.t! and get real
everything is so simple – just do it!
1. meditation, daily and weekly
2. continue eating enough proteins and cutting the starches
3. swimm!!! swim swim and swim!!!
4. resist wasting time since it is not fun, it is draining. instead of that learn to stick to plan. my best days were thanks to planning. i feel much better with a structure
5. read papers for my research and figure out what to do

so my day should, will flow flows as follows:
1. some light excercise and a bit of tyding up my home
2. meditate
3. take my nutritious and tastefull food to work
4. resist temptation to waste time at work and do the most important thing of the day first
5. eat healthy
6. swim after work
7. meditate
8. cook, do chores, help my MIL, see friends
9. stay away from TV and read papers and books instead
10. go to sleep at decent hour

i can do it! it is possible – it allways does!! just do it
realtiy check daily and weekly

at end of the summer, i see myself tanned, with bright smile on my face, and lean strong body of all that swimming (and occasional rowing), finished tons of e-courses, written 200 pages, pilot phase done, and a whole summer of meditating and attending group program behind me! YEAH!! so help me God!

for sources of inspiration i will reach to
- weekly meetings
- my treasure map
- a book i’ve bought, “how simplify your life” by Tiki Kustenmacher

i stopped meditating and sinked into a depression
two disasterous attempts of vacation didn’t help, either; and the final blow, past lifted its ugly head
i believe it was my hard rock bottom

on the bright side, i’m 3% EBF lighter in spite of all these sweets