reinvent myself

this is awesome! i’ve subscribed to internet tv and it was not bad at all! i gained acess to very inspiring shows. i chose 20 channels and stick to them.

what not to wear show – inspired me to finally use my best clothes. real eye opener! total perspective shift!! couldn’t sleep last night (full moon didn’t help, either) thinking of all mix-and-match i can do. and i totaly dressed up, 2 days in a row now.

mezzo classic channel – it is awesome.

to be able to record and watch later – great thing. main advantage of it was to spend less time, being able to plan in advance, and not more, ...well, nobody’s perfect.

although i feel reinvented already, and that is why i checked it in the first place.
on the other hand, this is the goal that is allways on the list.
i feel reinvented since my paradigm shifted.
i need to beleive it is true.
it is true, i now do things now.i discovered this vast amount of time, and it is now! do things today before it turns yesterday. don’t carry it to tomorrows “today” since it’ll have now of its own.
having said that, i’m still loking at the same cobweb on the wall, well… nobody’s perfect.

although i feel reinvented already, and that is why i checked it in the first place.

for me it is totally new thing: i discovered unlimited source of time.
that source is in present moment! and it is unlimited. there is always another, and another. it is like a wallet that is always full! a river that always flow.
now i understand this saying – there is no time like now! it clicked to me, that i can do whatever i want, as long as i do it now!!!

• this morning (or several other ocasions) when i though “not now”, i stopped, and reconsidered. and did it, whatever it was. yeah! sweet victory.
• i have a new job description, one that is closer to real me than previous one!
• and now i type it with my new haircut on wireles home network, i carried my laptop to work to see what it is and we fixed it quickly. so i can type into my favourite page, lying on my couch! new experience. and now i have great source of encouradgement at my fingertips.
• and i cook. this is a little bit tedious, i need bigger pans to cook more at once LOL

and i allways wandered why i’m not doing it? felling stupid for not knowing why (and not doing it, yeah). so stupid.

fey days ago i popped that question again.
morning after anyswer came from some very deep level, deep and very silent.
it was becouse i’m trained when i’m authentic, punishment follows.
OMG.
it is as simple as this. i don’t even feel the fear of it, it is so automated on very deep level, 40 years ago. it is classic Pavlovian conditioning. being authentic, is something forbiden. i nominate this as realisation of the decade!
knowing that, i can do better!
*
that realisation came after morning meditation. this is what i want to do, i want to repeat my perfect day until i live it!
my perfect day starts with some light excercise, hot ginger water and meditation. my perfect day starts early, in sunrise.
in that perfect day there is plenty of time for everything and i’m calm and strong. i do first things first. i don’t rush. instead of wasting, i enjoy my time. i drink plenty of water and take a good care of myself. i eat well and i’m happy for it.
in my perfect day there is time for excercise, time for music, time for my science. and this calm feeling and beauty of the day i spread around myself so my sorrounging is pure and simple.
in my perfect day i’m looking forward for evening meditation since at that moment, there is nothing on the earth more important that this.
*
i am reinventing myself through my 3 goals: makeover, meditation and sports.

when i take decent look at my life, it doesn’t reflect my true values, my inner sence of self. it is like someone else’s life, like it is imposed to me. weird. but it is true.

but i am the only one who actually can impose anything to myself.

maybe i can start noticing those rare moments when my life does reflect myself the way i want to be.
for example, this morning when i noticed snow covered park downtown, all white and white barked trees, and pale sun rising on white sky above all that whiteness. only leaves were orange. i remembered my favourite uncle (that is his favourite park) and took a few pictures of it! that was so me :-)

i need to reconsider my wishes and loosen up, be less serious about everything. i plan to sort my goal list by inspiration and not by urgence, i want to feel happy seing it!

i just need some time to relax and get used to this idea.
(...although i stayed at home yesterday instead going to gym. my poor one single weekly session.)

this is strange experiment, i wander if i would ever got used to “goalless” me. it feels naked!
still i can’t be without goals, i need to watch my food and my day etc., by goalless i mean that i actually do all these things, but naturally & efortlessly like brushing my teeth.

i stocked my wadrobe with decent clothes (sorted the best things in front row instead of “saving them for latter” and banned leisure items to sports closet), and purchased nice 4-part suit that connected all that. something i wanted all my life. sounds like makeover! but i don’t feel like dressing up currently. yet, since my wadrobe is dressed up itself, my current “under-dressing” is way better than before this operation. in fact, funny thing, when i think about that: what i am dressed today i consider “under-dressing” but old me would consider it dressing-up. it is not smart, but it is decent.