reinvent myself

i need to reconsider my wishes and loosen up, be less serious about everything. i plan to sort my goal list by inspiration and not by urgence, i want to feel happy seing it!

i just need some time to relax and get used to this idea.
(...although i stayed at home yesterday instead going to gym. my poor one single weekly session.)

this is strange experiment, i wander if i would ever got used to “goalless” me. it feels naked!
still i can’t be without goals, i need to watch my food and my day etc., by goalless i mean that i actually do all these things, but naturally & efortlessly like brushing my teeth.

i stocked my wadrobe with decent clothes (sorted the best things in front row instead of “saving them for latter” and banned leisure items to sports closet), and purchased nice 4-part suit that connected all that. something i wanted all my life. sounds like makeover! but i don’t feel like dressing up currently. yet, since my wadrobe is dressed up itself, my current “under-dressing” is way better than before this operation. in fact, funny thing, when i think about that: what i am dressed today i consider “under-dressing” but old me would consider it dressing-up. it is not smart, but it is decent.

juck!
or is it just pms?
no goals => no passion
now, more than ever, i need goals that depend only on me!

it is all about passion!
when there is spark of passion in my life i used to consider it as something bad (becouse it led to obsession) and did everything possible to extinguish it. and be “normal” again.
not this time!
i only need to be passionate without being obsessed.
e.g. to make my life function and still stay passionate about whatever it is that i currently enjoy.

lately i let go my interior desing desire and i just sank.
like there is no life without it. but i want to build my life around attainable goal and in interior design i depend on my so.

my whole life is revolving about achievement (or lack of it).
how about just being?
maybe to put all goals on hold for a while and see what happens next.
just being what i am.

ned to forget what i should and listen within what i really need the most.
resist decluttering temptation to ruin yet another weekend of my life.

big surprise: i’ve realised that i had a habit of being cheap on myself that served no purpose. so i went shopping and purchased few small details and i’m all happy for it.
for example nice button to replace on one shirt i have with ugly buttons. now it will be new shirt.
this is about changing my attitute and putting first things first.

no visible movement (at least not forward ;)
i said to go to my mil’s place to help every 3rd day so it gives me another 2 to rest and live in between. will see if this help.

are my goals align with my core self? i believe so.
why i’m not attracted to doing them?
once i trick myself into doing, i enjoy them. but sometimes all i’m attracted to, is my couch in front of TV, and i’m not enjoying it. it is just aimless switching channels. i watch greys anatomy, season i watched already, and cold case, and bones... sometimes nothern exposure, and reba... and agathe christie, my favourite… and even stupid incantesimo, and my excuse is guess what? learning italian… ma que successa? sta tranquilla, non se preocupato…

it occured to me that it is more natural to choose a goals according to what i like to do instead of what i would like to achieve becouse i believe it would made me happy. accomplishment should be the natural byproduct of doing what i love.

and another step is to get used doing what i like instead doing what i think i should