that inner climate that sometimes feels unbearable, it is like a small child, that is my recent discovery. instead of telling it what not to do, that is abolutly futile and leads to more screams and tantrums, it is so much better to tell it what to do! so i can simply trick myself like a child, by switching attention to something else. and what is better for that than a good book!
i started evolving wisdom course, and from all the speakers that appear at the series, i extracted the list of books available in city public library. what a gems that i wouldnt notice otherwise! looking forward to read them.
i want to forget all about heaviness and disapointments and such. anything remotly being similar, or reminding to, any kind of guilt of any flavour. it is all illusion. i want to unwind and unlearn it and get in touch with original innocence of perceiving things just as they are. not what i had thought about it, not what i expected but didn’t happen, not what i didn’t expected to happen but it did, not what i had beleived it should have been yada yada… no! Lord no. simply things as they are now.
...but going further and further down the list, i started to feel pain in my chest, so i decided not to write under each goal why or what i didn’t do and skipped the whole ordeal.
the question remains and i’m aware of answer.
i’m not used to receiving love so i’m not giving it to myself. and all boils down to that. i need to loosen that grip, that ungiving state, i need to chill out and relax. i need to let go all that beating-up-myself thing.
very recently i realised that i’m stranger in the very city i live in. i started to browse tripadvisor and plan places to visit pretending i’m tourist in new town. that brightened me up. we went to one place that i have found online and it was awesome.
i need to realise noone is going to come home and yell at me for all the things i didn’t done (and i didn’t done them from being too scared of that moment and didn’t feel as i could do anything to prevent it), noone is going to beat me any more. ever. so many years passed by, now it is time to realise that. and i’m not helpless child since many years ago and no need to feel like one. nor act.
and that is it.
some things take longer to accept than the others, but at the end it is all excess luggage i make no good carying on my back. there are things that sunken in, like waiting noone, not any more. the biggest learning experience was when my niece’s BF wanted to treat me in some very fancy expensice restoraunt and i let him, not to embarass my niece.
learning experience is, you can make the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink it!
i really experienced how it is when someone forces you to enjoy something, but you don’t, you are not in that state of mind. it was such a liberating experience, being “enforcer” of good things myself! no sence… no use of it… not at all. it really gave me a new perspective. including all the good things i would love to “make” my SO enjoy. you can’t! it doesn’t work that way. it simply don’t.
so many tears these days.
there is so much to learn, and to get to know myself. my knowing myself was/is superficial, i only know my image, and my real self is different. for example my image of myself is as strong & independent – but in reality it is different story. image i have about myself and my behaviour do not match, i find it very intresting.
i’m reading and learning new things. i need to get to know all my selves (reading debbie ford about shadow self) – it is a real treasure. and let them all live and breathe.
yesterday it was so nice that i had an idea (found online a place to visit and try new food) that i made into reality (went there and enjoyed the place and the food). it is such a good feeling to actually do something. i have mountin of ideas but few turned into reality yet, so this was such a pleasant change.
when i made floral arangements for deceised relatives, i noticed how easy for me is to create beauty (and how i miss it dearly). i didn’t have sq foot of empty surface to lay down things and start working but it didn’t bother me at all. for me it is very easy to quicly create 4-5 cute arangements from whatever is available, all different, all pretty. this time i noticed it instead of taking it for granted. that is so natural to me yet i give myself rarely opportunity to excercise that precious gift.
i forgot to take pics, we were in a hurry to get there before dark. (we didn’t.)
this life i created, it is my creation, it is not who i am. that is very important distinction: if i don’t like my creation, i can hate it, but i don’t have to hate myself for it, not any more. since i’m not my creation, i am the creator. i can simply make new creation i like.