There is no sence wallowing in all same all same. Maybe I could put some of it behind. I need to be able visualise my goals instead of being intimidated. I need to be in command of my moods. A little bit of breathing and discreating and EFT that I did, helped.
And, I noticed this: whatever I do, it feels hard to stop. Be it working or surfing or switching channels, I tend to beat the dead horse. But that is only the obsessive feeling – it has no substance. I can breathe, wake up from it, and do something else. It is weard. It is like I use present moment activity to hide from present moment. What is in present moment to hide from?
Not depressed but obsessed. That is really different animal. Not that depression is gone, it is more that I switched attention to other things. Now I realize doing stuff is no better that not doing stuff, it is underlying feeling that changes it all.
Was it this morning, I payed attention to The Observer and got stunned of her condition. Gee I was oblivious to myself most of my life (exactly as adults in my life were oblivious to myself). Sometimes it was good, it developed to save me from pain and it worked. But it saved me from my life, too. I want to relax my shoulders. I want to start doing what is my purpose, at least to the extend I am aware what it is. I need to unlearn so many things. Like a dog in that experiment that learned to avoid striped floor, I learned to avoid activities that I enjoy and to be scared instead. Nobody will came and yell at me any more, what is this fear about? I want to change gears and jump right into it, and I know what it is. It is good that my inner workaholic still rocks, haven’t seen her for quite a while. Now I only need to gently turn her into direction that is the most important now, that I fear the most, and could enjoy the most.
This is not it.
Yesterday I managed to feel better, until I discovered I lost my earring that is precious to me. There are losses in life, I can’t base my happines on lack of losses. This is simply too much after everything that had happened.
I want to stop suffering for things that are out of my control. I need totaly differend paradigm of living.
I need to focus on my strenghts instead of weaknesses.
And, I want to stop suffering for things that are in my control, too.
Until that happens, I need to start doing everything that would help me. There are many tools I just need to use them.
I know I have a good life. I don’t necesserily have to feel that too, if I don’t. I love how the girl in X-factor, when she didn’t pass, said “This wasn’t my day.”
There are good and bad days (months… years….). Oh my. So be it.
I become aware that service provider (for instance medical doctor) knows what I want based on her expertise. But she can’t! That beleif caused things that happened. I am the only one who knows what do I want. It is my responsibility to make others known with it.
The bubble burst and I can see how detrimental that mindset was to me. It led me to years of silent suffering!!! When in pain, it is utterly stupid to simply shrug it off with “it will be better” and push myself into patience mode. And believing patience is good. Yes, patience has it’s place. When in pain, the only reasonable solution is listen within and act upon it immediately, and everything else is plain rubbish. Positive thinking is dangerous. Positive acting is the real deal.
I wanted to treat myself today, and my idea of treating myself was to not go straight home after work, as I always do. but to exit the train and go to the mall near the train station. So I went to the 1st store and 2nd, surrounded with all that poor quality goods. Then I went to DM and that was the highlight of my going out today. Not that I have something against DM, at contrary it is my favorite brand, but than between the isles of body lotions and shampoos it struck me – I’ve lost it completely! Is this my idea of fun? Proof that I am better cus I didn’t go straight home, so that is improvement? I’m clueless! Lost it. And at newsstand myriad magazines promising exciting content, but in fact it is only printed paper, just empty bate, nothing more.
I’m glad it happened, though; I am not complaining at all – every wake-up call is valuable.
Sweet Lord, teach me how to really treat myself, how to behave in this life. I had thought that I was better. I wasn’t aware.
I really enjoyed short ride home, I like the sound of train, and my co-travelers were polite. And Full Moon above the station was nice. And south wind, wind of change.
i was already thinking that this is not working, by “this” meaning changing my attitude, lifting my spirits all the time.
(by that i don’t mean sugercoating stuff but owning my thoughts to give me results i want.) i started to wander if that pushes me off balance – only to push my moods back deeper as result. i need to change my balance point alltogether. and than my SO remembered that my favourite oprah’s thing is already started.
today it was rerun of super soul sunday with dr. jill bolt taylor and it was awesome. it reminded me that i am not my bagage.
i need to purchase that book.
she says to pay attention to feeling, and to the internal chatter that caused that feeling.
it is fascinating that ability to have inner peace is already present; it is just overcrowded with all that turmoil that we consider as “us”.
fascinating freedom that is already built-in.
so yes, i need to continue to own my thoughts to steer towards results i want, and paying attention to emotions will help. i need to learn to shake off the sorrow fast. no need to wallow in it. not a second longer.
well if it is possible to change global climate in such a drastic ways, than it is surely possible to change my own inner climate.
oh i know some people treat their anxiety by cleaning the house! wow that would be totally awesome!!
thinking of “ability” to have fun, is topic better suited to this goal, weekend and vacations is only the time when it is visible better, and it is well known thing.
so the first thing today, since i become aware that i actually resent myself for not having fun (there is nothing there to be able or unable), i realized that it is utterly ridiculous. it reminds me on that story about a man who drink to forget he is unhappy, and he is unhappy becouse he drinks! and i decided to stop that madness no matter what.
yes for some reason i am not attracted to doing things that make me happy yet, it could be due to ambivalent relation to my late mom. start doing fun things is out of my comfort zone, i need to
push myself make conscious effort towards it. i hope someday it becomes a habit. but for now i need to respect old wounds and not ridicule them. stop thinking that it was so stupidly stupid to be homebound for so many years.
so now i need a strategy here. this is addiction, i only don’t understand what is the substance. for example:
- do not turn any screen on weekends before i do at least one act of happiness.
- at home, pretend that i am at work and leave the house as easy as if i am going to lunch brake.
i need to trick myself into action
i need to embrace myself.