have a healthy, intimate relationship

I’ve reconnected with a guy from high school, but it has been long distance so it bring up a lot of issues and angst for me. I did go visit and it seemed ok. I just have some relationship fears and would like to talk them out with him perhaps. I think he is fairly capable of a healthy relationship and at least at moments I feel we grow and learn alot about ourselves, and I have felt more inspired to work more on myself so I can have a healthy relationship. Just a bit frustrating and not sure it is the right thing.

My boyfriend turned out to not be a healthy relationship, nor could provide me with one, which has been very sad. He never really broke up with his other girlfriend, so was seeing us both, which accounts for the long periods between seeing him.

At least I got a bit more of a taste of what a healthy relationship is like…definitely sharing is important and communicating, including fears and concerns. And, having someone be consistent and around more often is good, although I wonder if I would feel overwhelmed by that. I think it is mainly my own fears of myself, or of my faults and perceived inadequancy that keeps others at bay. When, really, I’m just being human…with feelings, longings, fears, mistakes, pains and insecurities. I’m not perfect…and neither was my ex by far…but I cared and learned I was willing to try at a relationship and believe I am capable of having something healthy and good.

I am healing, but think I’ll be ok…just get really scared sometimes…afraid of the people out there that are not safe to be around and hope I don’t have to deal with anymore in the future and will get out at the beginning and not tolerate so little, even if that little was better than what I had experienced in the past.

My boyfriend and I just broke up…mainly because he is taking a temporary job out of state that will mean another 2.5 months without seeing him. It is very sad. What can you do? I suppose it could be a possibility of getting back together later, but you just don’t know. He was the closest I have had to a healthy, intimate relationship in a long time.

I made some good progress with my boyfriend over the weekend after I got upset. He was good about wanting to know why so he would understand me better, so I shared some things with him, such as struggling off and on with depression, feeling alone and having bad relationships since I was about 12.

It wasn’t too hard to do and he was very sturdy about it, for lack of better words. We had a nice 1.5 days together and almost felt like we were highschool kids dating while at a burger joint or like newlyweds as we tended to kiss alot or be close to each other wherever we went. It felt very warm and ok to be near him, and we are both good about appreciating the other.

It is also strange too, because I don’t see him that much, and am half afraid that if we actually spent a lot of time together that most of the attraction would wear off…it does seem surreal to see him now already, like it is a dream, then I go back to my life and he goes back to his, with the hour drive between us seemingly a much larger distance than you would expect.

I shared my list of Things with my boyfriend last night and it was nice to do so. He made a comment that two of my goals were at odds with each other: have a healthy intimate relationship and move to a less stressful city (presumably away from him). So, I suppose he is interested in having a good relationship with me, although on some level that is quite scary.