stop doubting myself

...is moving forward. I am trying my hardest to not let niggling doubts come between me and happiness (or at least something pleasant?) I have caught myself letting doubt creep up but I push it away and move forward. Or at least try to. Sometimes it works and sometimes it crowds so close that it’s impossible to ignore. Yet there is progress and I am hopeful.

this goal from “stop being so sad all the time” to the current one because I’ve realized that doubting myself is the key factor to my feelings of sadness. I have to become my own pep rally. sigh

...hard not to be. But I am trying to keep myself busy. I read a lot more as of late…was neglecting just reading for the sake of reading like I used to.

I also spend more time with my family and actively keep in touch with friends, which is a trial for me because I am a loner by nature. Which is weird because at the same time, I’m the link between so many people and usually they look to me (the friends) to organize get-togethers.

It’s hard though, which is why it’s easy to slip into sadness. But I am trying and it’s been good. Just have to not let it under my skin.

...sad so much as just waiting. I’m not happy, not angry, not frightened…I think I’m simply resigned at the moment. Maybe, it’s because I’m catching a cold? Usually when one is ill, strong emotions are dulled by cold medication.

grin <- I grinned! But still have a variably indifferent emotional state.

The key is to keep busy. Seeing that I have all these goals, one would think that I would be busy enough. Alas! I am not; I spend way too much time thinking and not doing. No, a goal of mine will not be “stop thinking” because that would just be silly.

I currently am happier than I was a month ago, mainly because my relapse into maudlin recollections has slowly faded into a mild embarrassment of sorts and I want to forget the whole relapse ever happened. So I’m slowly trying to be happy. I think being focused on applying to graduate school seriously would be the way to go. I just realized that I have to call my uni and request a transcript, although that would probably be pointless because they are sure to ask me to come in. Hmmm, maybe I should check online first?

What was this post about? Oh yeah, I’m happier. grin

..full of crap, that it’s a waste of my life to be sad all the effin’ time. I should translate it into anger or function, something useful.

Anger can be useful because it clears a path to another plateau. But being angry all the time might not be a goal I should put down here.

I just need to stop putting myself down and start seeing myself the way other people see me. It’s hard though because I don’t believe what other’s say most of the time and I don’t use other people’s views on me on how to live my life.