Be a person that commands respect

Today I have found the bounds that define Self-respect.
The way I found it is in defining the line separating persistence and lack of self-respect. Let me explain:

I have been pursuing a particular girl for quite a while.
Although I have quite a few prospects, with whom I have greater chances of success with, I have a particular interest in this girl since she knew me before I had any semblance of “game” and since I had prematurely invested excessive interest in this girl ( as was my proclivity before as a clueless chump. As such, I exerted more persistence in winning her over.
In the beginning, it was going well. I could see that there was interest in both parties. Then, since attempts at escalating the interaction continuously failed, her interest began to wane.
My panicky, insecure past reared its ugly head as a reaction to this waning and I fumbled a bit, since my emotions got the better of me.
After this, her level of interest went from waning to non-existent. She would reply sometimes to my messages, sometimes she wouldn’t. When I asked her out, she would always have an “I can’t, blah blah…” line up her sleeve.
I got to a point that the redundancy of this situation made me realize that, if she doesn’t even afford me the decency of a reply anymore, I obviously have no value to her.
My continuing to pursue her would be tantamount to accepting this kind of treatment.
And so, I have decided not to pursue her.
The line for self-respect ends here.

You see, pertaining to social terms, if you put effort or action towards or for someone that reacts to you (whether it be negative or positive) you retain your self-respect because there is value being given to your actions.
If the actions and effort you are exerting are given no value by that person, i.e. does not care what you do or what may become of you, continuing to do that action would be equal to re-affirming the valueless-ness of your actions, hence, your effort.

You see, Respectability begins with self-respect.
And I respect myself enough to know that my effort has intrinsic value that should only be exerted for those who deserve it.

Of course this is an imperfect proposition, for there are some instances and circumstances that supersede this rule, like knowing what’s best for a loved one even though they are indifferent or fighting for a worthy cause, but its general application stands steadfast.

THIS ENTRY APPLIES TO ALL MY GOALS, NOT JUST THIS ONE

Recently, I watched a special on TV about Angelina Jolie. They said that at an early age, she started a rally to retain their school coach, who was fired from his teaching position. The event became a turning-point in her life where she realized that her actions could really make a significant difference.

Although I don’t particularly think Angelina Jolie is someone you can idolize or is someone of particular importance, I do believe that every great person of enduring significance goes through a point in their life like that which Jolie went through, when they realize that their actions can make a significant difference to those around them and to the figurative landscape in which they live.

Somehow, I’ve forgotten that I’ve experienced such turning points in my life too. More on why in a while.

The earliest I can remember is: when I was around 11 years old, I gave a performance as a soloist of a choir, to which I received a standing ovation from thousands of people, including those who particularly despised me at the time, as I was at an awkward stage back then in some ways. They didn’t give any other standing ovations over the whole concert.

I also had a hand at forming whole organizations in our school back then, organizations which went on to become pillars or achievement for the school. In my last year of high school, almost half of the school paper was about me or something that I helped build.

It seems like it should be ingrained in my head by that time that my actions can have significant impact and importance. But, I guess, I let my emotionally-rough past hold sway over me.

I didn’t have the smoothest mid-childhood. Being an awkward kid in some respects, I was taunted and rejected by my peers. And, although I was always smart and not particularly annoying, kids are not tolerant of other kids who were a little different.

I guess I never gave myself the chance to confidently take on the reigns of being a leader. I was always hesitant since my default mentality was that I would screw it up, for me and for everybody involved. As such, I never really took on leadership alone, as I had issues with the faith I had over my actions and decisions. I also thought too much of what people would think of me, which only served to make me even more awkward.

True, I have improved my life overall by leaps and bounds. Now, I realize that even though some people have been brick walls in my life, it was I who treated myself the worst by not giving me the benefit of the doubt that I have emerged victorious against so many odds in so many facets of life. I listened too much to those taunts that people used to give me and accepted it as my own mentality, when I should have done exactly the opposite.

I didn’t give myself the permission to be proud of myself, and what I could do.

Now, I realize how wrong I’ve been living. I’ve been living under the shadow of a past that I knew I didn’t deserve, from the get go.
I haven’t treated myself fairly, didn’t give myself the breaks that I deserve, didn’t have faith in my value and decisions, didn’t give much value to what I truly thought. It got in the way of happiness, contentment and forming a way of life that would truly make me fulfilled.

I’ve decided that from now on, I’m living for myself and not for the expectations of my past and the mentality that went with it.

It’s time I gave all my power to myself.
It’s time I had complete faith in my decisions and my actions.
It’s time that I truly believed in my personal value and the quality of life I deserve.
It’s time that I am proud of who I am.
It’s time that I live under my own will.

In this, I find self-respect.

A FEW NOTES:
1. I realized that my power is an asset and something valuable and empowering. If there is any occasion that I give my power over to someone else, it is their privilege and it is based on my trust in them that they value me as much as I value myself.

2. Emotion-based fear is irrational because you know how valuable you are and how impacting you can be. You have nothing to fear with regards to your value or abilities. You are proud of yourself and what you can do. Fear, then, becomes logic-based.

Having talked to a friend earlier today, I think my main deficiency is that I act as if I am unsure of myself. I always second-guess my decisions and opinions and have to have reassurance for them. Our consensus was that I should act self-assuredly.