find love

I just watched the Graduate this morning.
And the last 10 seconds said it all.
How can you love someone you barely know, or have yet to talk at any depth with.

I think that when you think you “love” someone that you haven’t really gotten to know, it’s a result of letting yourself get carried away by the intoxicating emotions involved in getting to know someone new.

That becomes a pitfall towards finding real and sustainable love, because emotions are notoriously unstable. Without any concrete foundation, you leave yourself in a precarious situation. It’s like being drugged into playing pretend.

Although “love” like this is not real, it’s easier to obtain and faster to accomplish, and in this era obsessed with instant gratification and uninformed ease, it is no wonder why divorce has never been so prevalent, and why outlooks on love and relationships are becoming more and more cynical. We place ourselves in this position that make us vulnerable.

I guess with the passing of generations, the definition of love changes to mean different things. Before, at some point in the past, love meant finding a proper counterpart and forming a family acceptable to society, duty played more of a part than anything else. At other times, it was but for show.

What I want to say is that I want the word to attain a value that means more than duty or triggered emotion, maybe a coalescence of the two, and more attributes such as understanding and support.
It is an ideal situation, but I hope we all find it in our lives in one way or another.

With each woman I meet, and with each date I make, I go on the hope that one of them will eventually be with the one I will build my life with.

And with every relation that does not work out or that ends, I know that I become better by learning from it, and with every woman that passes, the one that I have yet to meet becomes more cherished, for all roads lead to her.

I think that in order to find love, the real kind where I can build a foundation from and make something significant, the first thing I must handle and get straight is my criteria for a partner.

Personally, I don’t have difficulty finding dates and getting girls, it’s just that I have my criteria all mixed up.
I am a self-admitted “shallow Hal” with a shiny ball complex. I always want the hottest girl, and when someone hotter comes along, I want the hotter than hot girl and I gradually lose interest in the current one. Or, if a friend has a hotter girl, I feel bad instead of being happy for my friend, which is what I should be doing.
I believe this is because I have been using pretty women as a crutch for my own insecurities and as a means to feed my ego.
Therefore, I have resolved to man up and find happiness in life, by getting over my insecurities at the root and have a healthy ego based on my own terms. I’m on my way, but that is another story…

Anyway, after I learnt more and more about myself and how to curb my insecurities and control my ego, I realized that the criteria I have to be searching for has to be dependent on my own overall happiness.

For example, if your primary criteria is for a girl to be outstandingly beautiful, you’re not giving yourself much of a shot at being happy long-term. For one, you’re not giving yourself a chance at a stable relationship, because as soon as a “shinier ball” rolls your way, your interest shifts, and no girls will ever last with you because of this nasty habit and because they will notice that what you value in them is only the surface, and not the real person in them. And know that, since you will only ever get to meet a minute percentage of the total people available throughout your life, and many of them you will meet beyond your “ideal search period,” there will undoubtedly be hotter people around and who will come along until the day you die. Secondly, basing your criteria highly on looks speaks of your shallow nature, and how outside appearances mean more to you than anything. This would make for a sketchy foundation as the structure of your relationship will be like a hollow shell, based on the ever-fickle opinion of the outside world.
This is not to say that you have to settle for a girl who is not as beautiful. For me, it means that for you to be satisfied and also give yourself that chance to be satisfied in other fields of the dynamic, you have to allow yourself to count various other (some more-important) qualities in her that you will only get to know when you explore her deeply. So, for me, a satisfyingly-attractive girl would be someone who is striking to me when I see her, meaning: she catches my eye to peke action and interest. I believe that that would be enough to warrant the possibility of exploring her. Her looks are meant to entice you inside the door into the person, to get you initially motivated to get to know her, and little more.

So, what about accomplishments or things she’s known for? Again, my major pitfall before is looking for a girl who is good on paper. A question I found that helped me figure my way towards what is satisfying is: Do you want to live with this girl or do you just want to figuratively pin her up on the mantle-piece?
I’ve found that a girl accomplishments and fame has enriched her to a certain degree and has an certain inherent value to it, but the use of this only significantly benefits her and her boss, not you or your relationship. So, why put something that does not affect you very much on a pedestal? You’re out to find a person to connect and co-exist with, finding out about life and each other together, not an impressive piece of portable furniture that draws attention to your perpetually-hungry ego.

So, what do you look for?

I don’t really know yet.
But I’m guessing that finding someone that you can call your “better half” (someone who bring out the best in you, motivates you to grow, and compliments you) would be on the right track.

I want to find love as opposed to infatuation.
I find that I used to confuse infatuation for love.
I invest emotions too early and feel for someone I don’t really know.
I throws me off my game and it leaves me feeling for something that wasn’t even there to begin with.
I want to get to know a girl and, for once, find out who she is and what she’s all about and love her for who she really is and what she has become to me, not have emotions for what I speculate she might be like.

I know that I’ve had the wrong idea about love ever since I’ve heard sappy love songs, from which I’ve based my concept of it. And, most of the time, specially the oldies, the “love” they are describing, is in fact infatuation.

I’ve learnt that love is not instantaneous, only attraction is.
Love is built.
I want to build a love.