finish answering my 100 questions (idea from "The Question that Longed to Be Lived" article)

2: Why am I socially inept?

It’s just who I am. IRL, I get nervous and tongue-tied when I’m trying to relate to someone I don’t know too well. A willingness to talk freely about myself is just not there. I’ve noticed that my younger, eldest sister is kind of like that too. Which leads me to believe that it might not be some kind of Eldest Child Syndrome manifesting itself there. You know.. the theory being that the firstborn is protected and sheltered throughout most of its early development BECAUSE it’s the firstborn. But she isn’t that much younger than me, so maybe it could still be that manifesting in both of us.

Then there is the genetic thang, in which case I’m kind of thinking that I got it through my dad, whom said sister and I seem to share the most traits with… I’ve seen him talking to people, and it seems, from my perspective, like it’s just as difficult for him.

But the whole nature v. nurture thing can only count for so much. XD I have never thought of myself as naieve, and am well aware of what certain people can do to you given the chance. Therefore I am guarded, and wary about who I can invest my trust in. I’m just not a self-dislosing person. IRL. ^^;

Which, granted, is a relatively safe way to live. Still; random, clicking, swift connections come too few and far in between.

1: Why is this year going so well for me?

I am willing to admit that in 2004, at the age of 18, I totally freaked out. I was in tertiary study and nothing was going well ; in my personal life, it was just one negative experience after another and I found myself growing more and more unmotivated, depressed and suicidal. Black moods don’t look good on anyone. I found it was really affecting my studies, so I went to see a therapist. She started talking about serious medications and I was floored. I realized that if I continued this particular path, I would never be able to get away from it; people have some strange ideas about mental illness and I wasn’t sure if I was willing to be defined in that way so easily. I know that it’s not a choice for some people..

So I started to wonder if I was blowing everything out of proportion. I quit my course, took a step back, and spent 2005 living quite simply. Worked retail semi-full time, went on holiday, had an operation I needed, and continued to quietly dabble in art ~ just for myself. I think the break was just what I needed in some way to be able to come back to my studies and feel good about what I’m doing. I’m not saying I don’t still have those periods of complete and utter self-doubt, but it’s a whole different vibe this time.

Don’t take anything too seriously : It’s just Life. :P

..This wasn’t meant to be an essay, I swears. XDD