stick to the working hours I set for myself - 90% of the time

The last three days were a huge success for me. It was hard for me to even SET hours, I was a bit depressed, and then on tuesday someone told me “Wednesday, thursday, friday and next tuesday, you will work from 9 am to 1 pm straight, and then enjoy your free afternoon.” And that’s what I did. So maybe I overslept today and started at 11 instead, but I stayed later to make up for it and still got a lot done. I had a wonderful afternoon, too.

The thing is, you really enjoy your free time much more if you feel you’ve accomplished something, because there is a sense of having earned it and that’s just so very satisfying…
So while 12 hours in 3 days might not be much, it’s huge for me because I feel great about it, and I hope that this feeling of success will give me the necessary motivation to keep ging like this (with more hours of course) in the coming weeks and months.

This is ridiculously hard for me.

I have never prided myself in great work ethics (in school I used to finish my homework during the break hiding from the teachers, or pretending I was reading magazines) but once I discovered a passion for something, I never had any troubles and grades were always good because I loved school and learning.

I had a great passion for university – in the beginning. But the 5th year is slowly coming to an end, and for two years now I have felt like I’ve been dragging myself along on my gums just trying to keep up and failing miserably. Sure, I can still graduate, but at what cost? Emotionally, intellectually, psychiologically – I have invested too much in something I have now come to hate for the most part.

And I know that I will never be the same carefree person I was. But maybe that was the purpose of all this. My dad always says that everything has a purpose. He is a big believer in fate. Me, not so much anymore, because it seems like I’m doing my best to ruin my own life. I’m young, I’m being melodramatic, but my own moodiness about just this topic is a sure sign that I am not optimistic but rather panicking about the future, no matter how I twist and turn it. And that’s weird, because logically thinking I know I had ideal prerequisites to achieve anything I wanted.

Only I feel too damaged. Because really “stick to the working hours I set for myself – always”?? That is so pathetic. And it shouldn’t be this hard.