i enjoyed this article, how to find your soul mate
“How to Find Your Soul Mate
Saturday, November 24th 2007 by Shanel Yang
Many of you are searching for true love. Others of you may believe you have already found it. Still others of you may be in relationships that are not great but you think that any love is better than no love.
If you haven’t found true love, or if you’re not sure, here is some helpful advice on how to find that special someone perfect for you.
And, if you’re staying in a bad relationship because you fear loneliness, there are worse things than being alone, such as losing your self-respect, self-confidence, and self-worth. When you’ve lost all three, you’re in danger of losing the drive and creativity needed to know your life goals, let alone reach them.
CRAZY SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS NOT TRUE LOVE
Too many songs, movies, and books have painted a distorted picture of true love. They would have you believe that you can fall in love at first sight, your heart will beat like mad, your palms will sweat, and every thought will be preoccupied with the person who so suddenly and completely stole your heart. This does happen. But it’s not true love. It’s chemistry. It’s the crazy sexual attraction you feel toward any person who can trigger the release of the strong pleasure chemicals in your brain called pheromones.
Pheromones are released in our brains when our bodies detect in another person’s body the existence of certain preferred DNA. Our bodies detect the other person’s DNA from the way that person smells. However, the crazy sexual attraction caused by pheromones indicates only one thing: The two persons experiencing it are a good genetic fit, meaning the combination of their DNA is likely to produce physically healthy offspring. What pheromones don’t care about at all is whether these two persons are a good personality fit, or whether they are likely to drive each other crazy.
One major problem with crazy sexual attraction is it usually makes you do things you would never even think about doing before you were under the influence of this powerful drug. It makes you do shameful things, like any drug addict would for the next fix. Some lie, cheat, steal, and even kill others or themselves for it. Romeo and Juliet’s mutual crazy sexual attraction drove them to take their own young lives as soon as they thought they could no longer have their intoxicating love. A true story of the tragedy that can result from crazy sexual attraction was made into the movie called “Dance with a Stranger.” It was about the last executed person in England. A beautiful, lower class, single, older woman with a little boy, was hanged for shooting and killing her younger, handsome, upper class lover after he suddenly ended their affair. In the end, their relationship caused both their families as much pain as it had caused them.
Another problem with crazy sexual attraction is it never lasts. Yet, often, these tumultuous relationships drag on for years, long after the sexual attraction has died. Perhaps these couples hope in vain that the old flame will reignite someday. Or maybe they believe that they are doomed to stay together because they experienced their greatest passion and greatest pain together.
True love can exist quite nicely without crazy sexual attraction, for example, with a more smoldering, lingering sexual attraction. However, even the strongest sexual attraction without true love is a recipe for disaster. I suppose it’s possible to win the lottery by finding the lucky combination of crazy sexual attraction and true love. But, I’ve never seen any real life examples of this—and only heard about it in songs, movies, and books.
PROTECTIVENESS IS A SIGN OF TRUE LOVE
If crazy sexual attraction is not true love, what is? One sign of true love is a desire to protect the other person from pain, discomfort, and embarrassment. Also, it is a desire to see that person safe, happy, and successful. This differs from crazy sexual attraction, which focuses on making the other person give you pleasure and satisfaction. When you truly love someone, you don’t want to force him or her to love you. Of course, you want them to love you. But, you are able to let go if they want someone else because you want them to be happy. You support their major life decisions even if you don’t agree with them.
If this was all there was to true love, we would all be in love with our closest friends. But, there must also be some chemistry, not the crazy sexual attraction discussed above, but enough to start a romantic relationship. Your heart will not threaten to beat out of your chest, but you will find this person’s company comfortable and comforting. Time passes pleasantly when you’re with this person, and sometimes you even have great fun together.
The more the two of you get to know each other slowly, if you let your heart open up, a little at a time, this person might provide you with more examples of his or her protective feelings towards you. If so, and if the feelings are mutual, you two can gradually develop a deep, rich love that is more satisfying and enduring than any crazy sexual attraction.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT BUT ARE NOT SOUL MATES
A soul mate is the person who is your true love and your best friend. If you want a soul mate, do not pick someone who is too different from you. There is a saying that “opposites attract but do not marry.” Unfortunately, too many opposites do marry and ultimately find themselves in miserable marriages. Although some couples learn over time to tolerate each other’s differences, life is so much more enjoyable when you go through it with someone who shares, and, thus, is equally excited about, your core values, interests, and pastimes. Only in this way can your life partner also be your soul mate.
The initial thrill of too many differences eventually loses its appeal as months turn to years, and you begin to long for someone who can simply understand you or at least not disagree with you constantly. You eventually spend more and more time apart from each other after you finally give up trying to change either yourself or your partner to change core beliefs, interests, and pastimes to be more in sync.
After the good feelings are gone, you two may still stay together for the sake of the children or the business or the community. Or out of habit. Or perhaps out of a fear that it’s too late to hope for anything better. But, it’s never too late. Staying with someone you don’t love, respect, and cherish as your soul mate robs at least four persons of their chance at happiness: you, your partner, and the two other individuals in the world who are waiting to be soul mates with each of you. The negative effects of a bad relationship extend further to the unhappy couple’s family members, friends, and coworkers, who all must suffer in different ways for the couple’s never ending drama of complaints, break-ups, reunions, and despair.
PATIENCE AND FORGIVENESS ARE SIGNS OF TRUE LOVE
When a person genuinely loves you, he or she will show you a lot of patience and forgiveness for your occasional careless or rude behavior. But don’t take advantage of it. If you do, it is a sure sign that you do not really love that person. Couples that really love each other would feel deeply remorseful to learn that they have hurt the other’s feelings.
Never test your love just for the sake of testing it. Simply observe how you feel when you’re in that person’s presence. Is he or she attentive to your needs? Are you attentive to his or hers? Is there sufficient give and take in the relationship, or is it mostly a one-way street? Do you smile at each other, touch each other, and look into each other’s eyes often?
Picture yourself with your partner in 20 years. Does that image fill your heart with dread or make you smile? If your partner compliments you more than criticizes you, you probably smiled. No one wants to live with a critic, not even one who used to drive you crazy with desire.
FRIENDSHIP PLUS SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS THE BEST SIGN OF TRUE LOVE
True love is friendship plus sexual attraction. If you enjoy spending every spare moment of your time with your life partner, he or she is already your best friend. This type of relationship makes you stronger with self-confidence, self-respect, and self-worth, all of which are necessary to help you fulfill your greatest potential. In turn, you help increase these three things in your partner. When both you and your partner are empowered with true love, you can accomplish anything together, including each of you becoming your own greatest heroes!“