learn how to save myself

I guess he was the first guy I really actually liked. It was more then just physical as well, h was funny, and didn’t put me on a pedestal and liked to muck around like I did. Our dates, were like two kids running loose through the city. For the first time in a long time I really wanted something, I really wanted it to work, not just becuase I wanted someone to be with but because he was so great. I thought I had this connection with him… I feel stupid because it didn’t.

I tell myself I’m completely happy for him, but every so often it still hurts. You kind of still want to talk, but every time you do, you want what you had before… Being the one who still feels that way I guess I want it more. Then because you still acting that way, the sting of rejection is just as fresh as it was when you first came into contact with it. Usually no contact is my rule with these sorts of things, but its hard to switch off the tap when you’re used to talking every night…

I miss him, and it hurts, and I hate myself for acting this way, because I never wanted to be the clingy girl, ever.

I think I’ve accepted that my belief “if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen”, but I think I’m trying to force it and ending up hurt. I want to keep it alive, but I like myself too much to beat a dead horse. I’m not going to contact him anymore, I’m not going to block him, but over the last few days I’ve been waiting for him. I’ve even cleared times when I think he’ll call or be available, and sent the odd msg or sms.

Also this hurts, but I don’t think he wants to talk to me. He said he does, but heck I’ve always said that too.

This is okay though because there’s someone special out there just waiting for me. :)

Mum asked me to go and be a moral support person for one of her patients who had to go through an assessment with a psychiatrist. Throughout the interview with the psychiatrist he was so scared. He had curled his arms up, at one point he started breathing really fast like he was having a panic attack. Meanwhile the psychiatrist for some reason did absolutely nothing to reassure him. I was surprised at how scared he was, how absolutely terrified he was that the doctor was out to get him. I couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t a scary situation, there was no need to get worked up, and how relieved I was that I wasn’t suffering from that I had the distance and objectivity to see that.

yeah I was just happy I wasn’t him…

Studying for my last exam of the year and have to say I’m kind of proud of myself. This last course I have been able to

- have a job
- have a love life
- have a social life
- lose fat and tone up
- keep my room in a reasonable living condition
- be happy

and freak out less… :)

I’m kind of proud of myself. My studying habits still leave something to be desired, but I’m not being that shabby at all. Going ot the gym regulary has paid off in spades. I love having strength, it makes me stand straight and feel so much better.

One weird thing I’ve noticed is that when you freak out, the whole world is smaller. For the first time I have seen people who I thought never got stressed, be stressed, and I can’t help but wonder how I didn’t see it before.

Well better get back to studying, I can’t believe I’m pretty much finished my second year… wow …

My assignment due tomorrow, putting touches on right now, I hope its okay but its definitely very scary right now.

I’m not freaking out as much as I usually do about this type of thing… but I’m still not feeling that great about it either… I haven’t had to lean on other people as much as I am doing now…

anyway procrastinating times over- toodles

Okay while I believe I am a bit anxious by the nature, the real tipping point was 2 years ago when I was in a rather nasty car accident. Basically, my two brothers and I were in a taxi and the taxi drove out onto the middle of a highway into oncoming traffic. My brother was permanently injured and from my place in the car I saw everything happen.

Well now one of the side effects was that I “see” bad things happen a lot and get anxious over when cars come up from the side. This makes me a shockingly bad back seat driver.

Well in the last few weeks I started to confront it, and I have to say I’ve been making massive improvements. I sit in the car and tell myself that its awesome for me to look and see everything that’s coming from the sides, but they are normal situations and are should not evoke the “emergency” signals.

Its nice not having that adrenaline pump in the car :)

I realised these holidays, that when I’m in relaxing mode, I have to actually tell my body to relax. Sounds stupid, but what I’m currently doing is a saying “I’ll do this heaps cool relaxing activity, after I surf the net for a bit”. Surfing the net is a time waster for me, its, not actually a relaxing activity.

Tomorrow I’m actually going to set aside a time to relax, and I’m going to do something relaxing in that time… then I’m going to do something cool after that :)

Well I felt bad for a lot of the other day and I did not

a) call anyone
b) destroy my life

but in fact carried on and made myself happy.

Why I felt upset was the result of a bad result, lack of sleep and coming off the pill estrogen week… lol so I had a massive mood problem. Last time I got results I couldn’t move for a week… I didn’t do any of that, I moved forward, and this is something to be proud of.

Sometimes I think these little things are small and insignificant, but they’re really not. They’re my burden to bear, its like smoking, I don’t have a problem saying no to a cigarette, but others do and so when they say no, it should be celebrated. Its also the technique of chnge that needs to be celebrated. I can apply this to other aspects of my life to push it into bigger and better places.

I also got a HD on an assignment, and was the ‘girl who knew it all’ in the prac. So I’m feeling pretty good right now.

I do need to make more time to meditate, but I’m developing strong coping skills, and I’m proud of myself for that

Well my exam was done a few days ago and I very much didn’t need Mum’s support at all. I mean I occasionally rabbited to her on the phone but I never dumped on her. It was more of a “I need to study now, bye” rather then a “save me from my study, I’m going to fail” sort of call.

I’m not saying the first one is acceptable, but its not that bad either.

I would like to become one of those people who have balance and can do well in exams and without blowing away their entire lives. I see people every day who do it, so its definitely do able…. I just haven’t figured out right now how they do it.

I don’t think I did enough preparation for the last exam. It was very mcuh similar to a ramming technique that I used, which I don’t think is acceptable. I’m going to work on having continuous study throughout the session so at the end of exams the only work to do is to actually revise work. Not learn it.

I know this involves a lot more work earlier on, but I think it just has to be done. I aim to save time though by using the computer to type up my notes rather then handwrite them all. It will also save gluesticks and printing paper. I’m going to try to work out a technique of saving time by actually remembering what went on in the lecture.

I’m totally succeeding everywhere except for my assignments… which are totally my weakest, sadest moment where I just go

MUMMY HELP ME HELP ME… IM DYING MUMMY

You think I’m being harsh? well I’m actually not, I literally cannot take assignments. Quite frankly they should all DIE A PAINFUL DEATH.

I don’t know how to do them, on one hand I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. However on the other, I’m so desperate to pass the damn thing I don’t care If I make a fool out of myself trying to make the damn report perfect.

I don’t know, hopefully I’ll get better, fingers crossed

The other night I confronted something that was incredibly painful for me and I think I had a mini anxiety attack. I just couldn’t help it, it was just brought up so many bad memories, feelings and thoughts and I couldn’t stop them. It was just pain rolling through me. I called up all of my inner strength and continuously told myself that I was loved and that no matter what shit went down that I was loved.

I wanted to call mum so badly… but I didn’t

I eventually called Mum in the morning, and now I sort of wish I hadn’t, I didn’t dump everything on her like I’ve done previously, but she still definitely went into that mode where you take all of someone’s problems from them. She didn’t manage to do that for me of course because I’d been forced the night before to come up with my own plan, but for her the end result was the same. I once again needed to be saved.

I think this working through my own problems is a lot harder then it seems. I have problems, big ones, which if I want to succeed I need to work through. I can repress things really well, but the problem is that repression doesn’t make the problems go away, and it makes you weaker not stronger. Right now I have everything I’ll ever need to succeed, I have the inner strength and wisdom to deal with it, I just need to learn how to use that.

I’ve also been using meditation, visulisations and affirmations a lot. These are little pieces of magic, it is the way to tap into your subconscience and see how you will act unless you change your thinking. When I have trouble visualising something that I want it is always a sign that I have some underlying feeling, fear or memory that is going to sabotage me from trying to get it. By finding out what that is, dealing with it, I become stronger then I was before and what I want suddenly just comes to me. It is an incredible feeling and I urge you all to try it.

Anyway, my progress has been good on this goal, but its not easy. I think the way to this goal is through further meditation on what I want. It is an incredibly wonderful thing, I urge you all to try it.