find myself

ok am coming to the end of my degree at university and its time to ask myself “whats next?”. everytime i ask myself this i get depressed and i try really hard to not think about it. time is running out to make a descion if i do not decide now i could end up scrapping the bottom of the barrel for a job.
i know the decision i make now is not the end all and be all it is more of a catalyst in the chain of events in my life but then why is it so hard for me to just pick something and go for it. one reason might be the fact that i spent 3 years at university only to find am not really into my chosen subject. I just want to pick something thats right for me and that i wont regret.

I finally figured out what i want to do with my life.
i think….you never know i could change my mind again.
but either way i am definately on the wrong course and i only realised this just when am about to do my final year.
No worries i’ll just get the degree and get the hell out.

I want to be a photographer. I always had it on the sideline as a hobby and just telling you makes me feel like i have just jynxed it.

i always told myself photography doesn’t pay well, jobs aren’t supposed to be fun and i just dont have what it takes.

i still feel that way, but i honestly can not see me stuck doing a programming/website 9-5 job.

so despite all that, after i graduate from my multimedia degree. i think i’ll do a part time course in fine art while i do a boring programming/website 9-5 job.

i also need to work on my photographer and model skills i just can not get what i want out of my models. Theres always the option of using myself as my model (i do this already narcissist? you say) like cindy sherman.

i know am a girl who loves to take pictures, who wants to play an instruments. currently dabbling in guitar, piano, recorder(flute), and the harmonics. i can not play a single one. i love music, i write songs and poems sometimes. i love singing but can’t carry a tune. i like watching and playing football and its not something i pretended i like just to get along with my brother its just something i always thought i can do better than the actual players on the field. i can’t play to save my life its all mouth no action. i am an arsenal supporter. favourite tv show is friends. i love the colour red so much my laptop is a ferrari model. i don’t wear make up it feels uncomfortable. i am not a tomboy i grew out of that when my boobs went into the D cup. i don’t like flowers more for my allergy reasons than for the cliche of it. i am scared of all living things purely for their mind. i cant dance or perhaps i can am just to shy by all the people in the room. i have never had a long term relationship with a guy not even a relationship. i like to show affection i just fear rejection too much. part of my childhood traumas.i have a lot of guy friends but thats where it stops. i shy away from a relationship whenever its right in front of me i immediately turn it into friendship, i dont know why. i hate shopping for clothes i start to moan to my sis if where in a shop too long. i know something is missing in my life i wont know what it is until i find it. i believe in God am a christian and i don’t push my beliefs on other. i only talk if you ask me about him.
slowly but surely i am getting to know, love and respect myself. this is a new year that i shall make the most of. i will try to have as much fun and experience as i can this year