I can’t wait until the lump in my throat is gone – when it stops hurting so much and I can go more than a day without these thoughts in my head. I can’t wait to look back on this time in my life and realize that I’ve gotten over it, recognize that it was difficult but that I have become a stronger person for it. I want to be there already. This feeling is just too miserable.
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see_dubs has written 3 entries about this goal
How many more painfully sleepless nights? How many more days where my stomach turns so violently that it feels sickening and painful just to breathe? I hate feeling like this and I never thought I’d let myself get this way again. After that first horrible time, I told myself I’d never let myself care enough to feel this way again. And it worked for a long time. And finally someone comes along who convinces me, maybe being vulnerable is all worth it. It feels great to be so blissfully in love. And now I’m left with this again. It took me 5 years to love again last time. Who knows when I’ll ever want to love again.
I just want to stop feeling this way. It’s demoralizing and makes me wonder what I’ve become, when I became this way, and how I let it get this bad.
It feels like the pain has been around forever. On my best days, I can sweep it convincingly under the rug and tell myself that I truly do not care. I have been on this rollercoaster for so long and the ride has thrown me about so hard that I literally feel the sickness in my stomach. It feels like I’m rotting from the inside out. Like I can actually FEEL the unhealthiness of the heartbreak poisoning the air I breathe.
Every time I tell myself I’m done with all these emotional rollercoasters, I get pulled back in. It’s a year later and I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. I’m still kicking myself for not having broken it off completely the first time, and definitely kicking myself because I finally had a shot of breaking free of that awful spell, and the genuine apologies and emotions brought me back. This time around, I have no one to blame but myself for letting myself get wrapped up in this again. I knew there was a huge chance there wouldn’t be much difference, and okay, there is a difference, but not enough. It still feels like it’s unhealthy for me to feel this way for this person.
I know with time, I will eventually get over it. But it’s been so long. I’m so tired of feeling all this pain. I’m so weary and weak from all the emotions I experience. On my worst days, which seem to be increasing lately, I go from feeling convincingly positive to bawling my eyes out so often that I keep the tissue box next to me. Apparently, it actually is physically possible to go from a decent, okay mood to bawling 3-4 times in an hour. I feel like a damn baby. Crying wholeheartedly one minute, and as soon as my brain is numb enough to believe all the pep talks and positive feeling I try to reinforce, I stop. It is so tiring to go through all this. And yet, I can only whine to my friends so many times before they are unwilling to hear it any longer, or they run out of things to say. Ultimately, I know how much I’m bringing them down, and I feel bad. So I become more and more closed off from the world because I can’t muster up the energy to pretend to be happy around people or be a good friend, and I feel terrible subjecting them to the gloominess that is my ever present state. I just want to be healed. It is such a lonely place to be so closed off from the world. Yes, I closed myself off, but even best friends can only hear the sadness for so long. Day in and day out for months is too much of a drag on a person and I could never do that to them. I get tired of hearing MYSELF whine and be sad in my own head. How could I expect them to hear it all day every day? I don’t. I just want to feel better.
If I could I would erase the person from the last year of my memories. I would gladly pretend that none of the memories I had over the past year had happened at all. After all, that’s when it all started falling apart way past a million pieces. It was flawed before, but not anything abnormal. Just the average flaws that any relationship has due to the combined flaws of two people who aren’t exactly alike. Just normal stuff. But the last year was something that should never have happened. We both knew better and somehow ignored it anyway. And now I wish I could take it all back. The pain is unbearable and there seems to be no end in sight. This was a really special relationship. If it’s not “the one,” it’s pretty damn close to being “the one.” How do you convince yourself that there’s someone else out there that can create such a nurturing, balanced, and absolutely beautiful relationship with you again? Someone who will bring out the good in you and strengthen your weaknesses, just as you do for them? A wonderful complement to you, the yin to your yang, the milk to your chocolate chip cookie? The person makes you better and you in return make them better. A support system where you feel like there is nothing you can’t conquer as long as both of you are there to take on the problem. It feels amazing and despite the statistical probability of it happening again, it feels like a very slim chance that will require a very specific chain of events. It’s so much harder to believe, as you do when you’re younger, that there are more out there. And it’s THAT much harder when you’ve found something so special that just can’t seem to be.