forgive myself

It has been a few months since my last entry. The sad part is, that guilt is still there. Far from forgiving myself..I have tried everything to rid myself of this pain.. nothing works. I have even tried to look different.. cut my long hair, dye it brown from blonde lose weight and gain it back, work out like mad at the gym and then not get out of bed.. nothing but nothing makes this pain go away. I believe my haunt will be there forever. Each day I wake I wonder what will it bring. Will it be a good day or will I need to medicate this day away. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MY LIFE??? i cant believe it..

I wrote on another goal was to apologize to someone i loved. I did reach my goal and its amazing how much better i feel by doing so. This has to help with the forgiving of myself goal. I really know that i feel better by reaching ONE GOAL. unreal. :)

I wrote an earlier entry on this subject, and I feel that this goal continues to be the one that I think about often. I seem to be going through a set back. I know that I cannot change choices I have made, I can not take back the hurt that I have caused to so many people that I cared about but most of all the hurt that I have caused myself. I just dont understand WHY I cant let go of this grief? I go to bed thinking of it, dream of it and wake up thinking about it again and again. This has to stop! I can no longer hold on to this hurt. Please someone help me try and get past this. I know that it sounds corny however, I would LOVE to believe in myself again. I am no longer the women I once was. I feel the need to apologize to someone and I already know my actions are unforgivable to that person. I cant expect that i will be forgiven for something I cant even get past. What do I do?

I guess its safe to say that most people have made choices that they have trouble forgiving themselves for. However, for me there was a turning point in my life almost a year ago that i believe I made a series of bad/wrong/and most of all unforgivable choices. Which my actions have made not just me sad, but many people that I really love and care about sad too. I can not take any of those actions back. I can not change history, and cant even apologize to those that I have hurt. Not that some of them will ever forgive me, I cant really blame them for that.. I am here trying to figure out how to forgive myself. Maybe this is a safe place to ask for forgivness from myself. To maybe just try and look to the future for better days to come. So far, since my turning point about 7 months ago.. i just cant seem to get over what i have done to them and most of all to myself.