Learn Dutch

So yesterday I did my imburgeringsexamen. The part where you have to read was quite easy, the part of kenis samen leving or something like that was awfully hilarious!

One of the questions was that if my neighbors put a huge statue of the virgin Mary if I should sneak up at night and tear it down, I had a laugh. Oh and if I should forbid my daughter to kiss a guy because he kissed her or hit her. I was having such a laugh I thought everyone was thinking that the stupid questions were hilarious. That was until I came out of the room and I saw an old granny who had taken the test with me crying: one of her questions had been what to do if she saw homosexual men in the street and the right answer was to wave. She was saying that the answer should not have been to wave because if everyone had a right to do and think what they wanted, she should be allowed to think how she wanted as long as she didn’t insult anyone. I felt sorry for her, because she seemed quite perturbed by the video shown at the test. Honestly, someone that old can’t change the way they’ve been taught to behave.

I think the Dutch should put more effort into teaching the younger generations of immigrants and the sons of the original immigrants to be open-minded. There’s not much you can do with people who have already a firm set of beliefs. A Farsi girl and I were talking that the sons of immigrants here are sometimes more old-fashioned than the people in those countries themselves. She said it was probably the discrimination that pushes them into the most extremist sides of their culture.

In any case, I don’t think I passed on the spoken test. Not that I mind much, I got a letter from the gemeente 2 days ago (when I had already paid for the tests) saying that my Dutch and my knowledge of the Dutch society was good enough not to do the imburgeringsexamen. And now they come with that!

EDIT: oh, as a side note. I found a job and guess what? it’s all in Dutch because I’m selling bread at C’est Du Pain. For some reason I speak to all my workmates in Dutch (most of them are immigrant or Dutch from a second generation of immigrants) but I can’t help it. I always end up speaking in English to my boss, though. It’s because he’s more fun when we speak in that language ^^. I guess I’m getting a bit more fluent, at least with saying numbers and “wilt u cacao op uw cappuccino?” -laughs.

They say that when you give something, the one who gives gets more than the one who receives and I believe that to be true to this day.

A few days ago, I believe it was last Tuesday, I was sitting in the train. There was an old woman and her grandchild sitting by the oposite window. The train was very empty and I could hear them talking. I understand Dutch most of the times, so I know they were talking about going to Naturalis in Leiden and that neither of them had been there before.
“Naturalis?” I said in my best Dutch, “that’s a good museum!”
The old woman smiled in a strange way and said nothing.

I’ll break my narriative for a moment to explain that I am a great fan of museums. Especially science museums and that, being a student in Leiden, I have gone plenty of times to Naturalis. I thought that since they had never been there before, I could give them a hand getting there and whatnot.

The old woman smiled and I took that as a gesture of kindness, still, I stayed in my place at the opposite window. When no response came, I doubted my understanding of Dutch. “You are going to naturalis, toch?” I asked in the most polite Dutch I could conjure. The smile became a threatening scowl. I, not knowing what to do, mumbled some nonsense to myself and left as soon as the train stopped and ran outside until I was far enough to sort my feelings out.

I felt like I was being seen as a terrorist. A dark-skinned monster. A thief. A rapist. A scoundrel… when I’m just a tiny girl going to school and trying to be nice. It was so humilliating. I swore I would never try to help a Dutch person again.

Was I acting in a culturally unwise way? My boyfriend seems to believe that Dutch people don’t randomly interact with others and that I was breaking their personal bubble with my remarks… but then I have known plenty of people, my boyfriend included, who make random comments and achieve a friendly conversation. He says it’s only men talking to women, but I can’t quite believe it because I have had a few grannies and women talking to me, not just men.

Was it a racist act? Maybe something against immigrats? I don’t know. I had the feeling that had it been my boyfriend saying those same things, or had my boyfriend been there with me, the answer would have been much different. Maybe it’s all “tussen mijn oren”.

I am insecure once more by the fact that I don’t belong here. I’ll never belong, no matter how much Dutch I speak. And where else do I belong? Give me a freaking place I can go to where I won’t be an outsider anymore because all my life, that’s all I’ve ever been.

The only good thing that can come out of learning this freaking language is a better job.

Before I used to have the hope that once my studies were over… I don’t have the heart to say it anymore. I’m bound.

I sort of tackled why I have resisted to learn Dutch for so long. It’s a matter of pride.

Have you noticed that the poor immigrants are the ones who actually speak Dutch? Elite immigrants, the international community of high class don’t necessarily speak it.

You look at me in the streets and I speak Dutch and you’ll think I’m Turkish. I speak in English and you actually ask where I am from, with the half-smile of someone who expects me to come from a first-world country.

It’s that sort of pride that makes you listen to me when I speak in English as if I own the world, but won’t even see me if I ask politely in Dutch.

In any case, I need to speak Dutch more than ever. I just… I’m scared that people will treat me like a slave because of my looks and my accent.

I’m going back to learn Dutch anyway, though.

Why is it that every Dutch beginner class has at least one student that knows too much and shouldn’t be in the beginner’s group and who pulls the lesson to a farther level, in which the rest of the students end up being completely lost and clueless?

Maybe I should change this goal to “learn to love the Dutch language”.

I know I have so many prejudices… but then again, I was living here when I was 16 and I absolutely hated it. I hated The Netherlands so much, I went back to Venezuela, even though my whole family was here. I couldn’t stand the thrill-seeking, carefree youth I was in contact with.

Then, when I went back, I missed it. True, the International Baccalaureate didn’t allow me to study Dutch during the years I had lived here, but i felt sort of guilty for not speaking Dutch. People at work knew I had lived here a while and they’d assume I knew German, so they made me proof-read this entire book… what a nightmare it was!

Then I came back and I was expected to learn it, know it, love it… I felt asphyxiated by the fact that not learning it could earn me a fine from the government.

I was secluded to a world of ghosts: the ghost of a lawyer, the ghost of a secretary, the ghost of a doctor… all their work, all their experience reduced to nothing the moment they decided to come here to live. I made good friends, but I remember that time as one of the darkest times in my life.

I felt it was unjust to ask people with no money to buy 80 euro books they would need for just a few months. To make it illegal not to buy them. I heard too many Dutch people say that we ruin the language. I felt aggravated when Dutch people looked down on me just because of my accent and the color of my skin -I know, I know it happens everywhere. I know there’s more Dutch people who are not racists than those that are… but I came from a world where I was the higher middle class, it’s against my pride to be looked down upon.

I felt it was unnecessary for me to learn Dutch when all my lessons are in English. I believe they should be in English. I study freaking English literature, for pity’s sake! And now they change the career to Dutch-ise it? That’s even bad for the Dutch students! Don’t they want to have a proper education? Howe would we learn English if everything is in Dutch and about the Dutch language?

In any case, today I took back “het groene boek” and I am going over all the basics again.

I have 16 books (and several dictionaries) for learning Dutch that I have collected on my long period of learning (not counting my loose exercises, my guides, my computer programs to learn Dutch, my Dutch literature books and my parents’ Dutch learning books- “Dutch for Dummies” included). The levels go from the most basic books (Delft method) to the most advanced (Leiden for prospective students level 3). I’ve done all of this before and succeeded, now it’s only a matter of remembering and re-learning. I’ll need help from a native, seeing I no longer have a teacher to correct me.

I’m hoping to regain some of my lost vocab before Christmas, not too hopeful.

Right now, I’m in my “I hate Dutch” phase. Half a year ago, I was in my “I love Dutch” phase. A year ago I hated it and when I was studying at the university in Vzla I loved it.

Therefore I conclude that I have a love/hate relationship with that language.

Why should I like it?
-I like Holland.
-I like the friendliness of Dutch people.
-I’ve been living here for a while.
-Dutch people hate immigrants who can’t speak their language (thus speaking Dutch will save me from the general “hate the immigrants” fad).
-It’s another language and learning as many languages as possible is good against Alzheimer.
-It’s good to speak with my bf’s family.
-It’s good to understand letters and bills.
-It’s good to be able to insult/correct people in their own language when they are making fun of you thinking you can’t understand them or trying to trick you.
-It’s good to help elderly people or immigrants who don’t speak English.

Why I don’t feel like it?
-People are always complaining about immigrants who speak Dutch and how they ruin the language.
-I don’t want to be mocked or ridiculed by my accent or mistakes.
-Being an immigrant who can speak English makes you look like a richer kind of immigrant than the ones who just speak Dutch.
-You can get away with it when you break the law without knowing, while if you speak Dutch they assume you know the legal system by heart.
-I don’t feel attracted to the language.
-It’s uncomfortable to speak Dutch when you’re sick (you end up with so much phlegm).
-I don’t want my children to speak just Dutch and they will anyways learn it at school. If I learn Dutch I’ll just speak to them in that language because it will be easier -that’s the mistake of many inter cultural couples and I hope never to have kids who speak like tarzan.
-It interferes with my knowledge of English since the grammar and words are similar but not quite the same, so it creates problems for me in spelling, grammar, use of words and prepositions.
-There are no books in this language I feel inclined to read (the ones I have read by dutch and Belgian authors are boring) and the only author I am willing to read is Kader Abdollah who writes in dutch but is an immigrant. (Venezuelan authors are boring too, so it’s ok, but I won’t read Dutch authors just for that.)
-There are no Dutch series I feel inclined to watch except anime dubs (and the voice actors suck big time).Again Venezuelans suck at this too.
-The only magazine in Dutch I feel inclined to read is aniway.
-Dutch movies are bad, no matter how many film festivals you make of it. (Venezuelan movies are worse, I give you that, but I don’t watch them either).
-I don’t feel motivated to have the passport since I’ll have to lose my Canadian citizenship.
-I don’t know if I want to be tied to this country my whole life.
-I don’t have the time for it, since I want to graduate asap. from English lit.

Ik woon al jaren in Nederland, maar ik kan deze taal nog niet spreken. Ik weet dat ik de taal moet leren maar ik heb helemaal geen tijd om mijn Nederlands te verbeteren.

Nu zit ik op universiteit, maar ik studier Engels, dus ik moet mijn Engels verbeteren en als ik die doe, vergeet ik mijn Nederlands. Als ik Nederlands leer, vergeet ik mijn Engels. Ik haat het.

En nu moet ik een bijvaak kiezen en alle bijvakken zijn in het nederlands (duh!). Maar het is zo moeilijk voor mij omdat ik sommige woorden niet versta.

Dus, ik moet echt mijn nederlands verbetteren. Ik kan niet meer hier wonen zonder de taal te kunnen praten.