I am thankful for...

But don’t tell anyone. LOLOL

Barbara had the idea to have Christmas in July one day and it just went from there. All our family was there and we had such a good time, there was tremendous amounts of the best food. We played games and opened presents.

Barbara and Robert even put up their Tree, but the decorations was lottery tickets.

Now you should have seen some eyes light up at that one. We played games for the tickets, it was just such a good time with all of us being together and laughing. We’ve not had a lot to laugh about lately.

It’s easy to pretend, when my dad is fishing or taking the boys to buy tackle. It’s easy to pretend when he is sitting out in the swing in the early morning laughing with me.

It’s getting harder and harder to pretend. He is getting weak and has lost so much weight, He still has his hair by golly.
but he is tired so much all the time and that is starting to get to me. Reality is smacking me and I want to hit back.

LOLOL But for that one day, Barbara and Robert gave us lots of laughter and fun and a day of normalcy…

I soaked it up, I don’t know if we will have another Christmas. I soaked it up.

Here is a shot of our Tree all decked out.

For phonecalls and text messages that come in the evenings and middle of the night, when I am my most alone and scared

My father has been undergoing test and exams and things.

He had a brain scan done the other day to check for brain cancer because his head and jaw hurt so badly. He had his biopsy this week too, along with a multitude of blood work. Next week he will have the PET scan done to check for METS.

My sister Barbi is done with all her testing and is only awaiting her radiation date… She is regaining her voice wonderfully. It’s amazing to hear her again. she called this morning just so I could hear it before it went away. She is a teacher to Mentally Challenged Adult/Children… So by mid day her voice is back to a whisper.

Still, she is getting it back and it is getting stronger. That is a huge blessing for us. My fathers brain scan results came in this morning. Mom just called, It’s NOT cancer there. Whooo Hoooo, his brain is negative, normal if you will. That is a Wonderful thing.. Thank God Amen.

Two great things to be thankful for.

I am thankful that she has found a way to get a lot of the inner thoughts and fears and laughter out. She still doesn’t have her voice, but we are confident that it will return.

She is about a ting above a whisper when she talks. That is improvement and a lot of it. She goes next week to meet with the Radiologist for the Q and A period before her radiation starts.

She asked me to come with her so that there is another person to ask questions and hear what he has to say. We will need to explain this all to everyone and her voice doesn’t work so I am going to help her out {if you only knew how funny this was to me. My memory sucks but I do have the advantage of having worked for Radiologist}

She has been writing about this journey, different feelings of thankfulness on different days. This is the link to her Blog Barbiedarbie She would love it if everyone would stop by and read it.

Maybe leave a comment. I will promise you this, she will make you think about things that you need to. She has a knack with doing that.

Here is a cute funny story.

When she was really little I started calling her Barbiedarbie I would sing that kids song only inserting her name and tweaking it a bit.

Barbiedarbie puddin’ pie, kissed the boys and made them cry, when the girls ran out to play… Barbiedarbie ran away.

Well I thought it was kinda cute. LOLOL I still call her that or Barbi. My brother and sister call her Barb or Barbara.

Hope you go look at her blog and let her know if you enjoyed it.

Light and Love

Today brown baby ONE was at my parents house. My mom called me all excited.
“Natalie learned another word today, Bug.”

So I listened for Nat to say bug {it was the cutest thing, with her little baby girl voice being all deep and mysterious, BUG…}

AND the bestest news ever. She learned to say TT.
Mom was super excited about this..

“She learned something else, you want to hear it?”
“Yes, mom… sock it to me”
“Natalie, Where is TT? Where is Aunt T?”

That is when I heard her precious voice in the back ground
“TT?.... TT?... TT, side?” {side is outside}

Okay it was only that TT but hey it’s my brown baby saying my name. How mega cool and exciting is this.

I can’t wait for brown baby number TWO {Adam} to start talking.

I ain’t talking bout that screwed up time where you are with one another and just for the sake of saying, “well I spent three hours with you”

Did you spend three hours with him, and not read the paper. Did you spend three hours with her and NOT talk on the phone or to someone else. did the Tv grab your attention or did you just have so much going on in your mind that you pretty much tuned him out, but felt it was okay because you “spent time” together.

Or did you talk, did you really and truly listen with your heart or did you simply think there was nothing new for you to hear.

I’m thankful for time.

that I am so strong and that when I feel like I am breaking apart. I have within me the means to comfort myself, to help myself and to know that this will change.

I won’t always feel this way, it does get better and it does change.

I’m thankful that I am the kind of friend to myself that I am to others.

So long as I have me and my babies I will never be alone

I thought of you when I wrote this

Addicted to my eyes?

But….you have not seen them…shimmer with tears….sparkle with laughter….darken with passion. Would you look away at my pleasure or pain?....or would you hold stedfast….unafraid to see what lies beneath?

I think this is simply beautiful. I am thankful for the person who wrote it, the words themselves and the beauty of the sentiment.

Water {All water! to drink… sooth my sore body in… water that gives life to my garden and yard… Mud puddles, they make life so worth living. Both, those grassy watery mud puddles that is like walking on a spongy carpet and those that are just full of muck and brown swirling water. Sigh.}

Shower/baths {oh man nothing is better than a shower bath}

Colour pencils {How improved my life is because I have colour pencils}

Restful Sleep {It seems I don’t sleep well and barely restful}

Hope {All I have at this moment is a tiny piece of hope}

Time {Time to know for sure… time to know when… time to make things right… time to change… time to heal… time to grow… time to learn… time, sigh…time)

Forgiveness {forgiveness for my imperfections, shortcomings, mistakes, and missed opportunities…}

Rain {Wonderful, beautiful rain}

Trees {Weeping willow for my peace, Maple for my beauty, Aspen for my music, Oak for my strength, Flowering Dogwood for my truth}

Pain free day {nuff said}

Motivation {I’m not nearly motivated enough, something needs to happen in this area}

Wisdom {The wisdom to know when to speak and when to keep silent… the wisdom that comes from listening more and hearing with the mind and heart}

I Am ThAnKfUl For... Part One

I didn’t tell to many people because I was unsure I would tell anyone if the results turned out positive. I know at some point in my decision process I would have mentioned it. But not initailly.

When I got cancer the first time, I had gone a year with out a pap smear it was the only time I didn’t have insureance, soon as I got it I had my pap and that is when it was descovered.

I find myself with out insurance again and I put off my Mamo and pap for two years. Well I qualified for some program insurance thing the copay is 25… My point to all this is, I had the exam in December and knew it would take till the middle of January to get the results because of the holidays.

The farther we got into Jan. the more nervous I became… No letter in the box each day. I wanted that damn letter, if you get a letter then never fear opening it. That means negative… NORMAL.

It’s the phone call we have learned to dread. Anyone who has or is battling a illness that is not quickly or easily fixed knows, it’s those phone calls telling you to come see the dr that mess you up.

Well I am telling you the letter came the other day with a big smiley face drawn on it and the NORMAL in big ole letters.

Big Sigh of relief, big huge smile.

Blessings.. cancer free for another year.