stop being so sad

it was one of the first five I made. I had just moved here to Texas and oh lord the sadness that ate my insides. There were times I never thought I would live through it.

Sometimes it felt like a consuming parasite and every breath I took was ragged and painful. There were times I only wanted the sad to go away and times I held it close, because if it were gone I had to feel, and in feeling I felt the pain.

I know there are days I will still be sad. I know there are days that I will still need to write something. Days I will still be homesick.

I have realized so many things since I’ve moved here. I met someone who has shown me ME… I am not sure he even knew that was what he was doing, but this man brought moonlight into my night…
It’s amazing when you can light up the night you know…
Eres Mi Luz de Luna….... You are my moonlight…

I felt powerless, hopeless, unwanted, unloved. So past strong and straight into weak. All the things that defined me, my house, my life, job, friends, even the damn roads I went on…
Every memory I had was tied to Michigan. I left it all and found myself literally in the desert, not a flower in sight.

It took me a long long time to find my road. It was not just the moving, or my job changing, it was my children, their father all the people who needed me.
It was Anthony. So over this past 13 months {humm 13 is a special number to me}, I have healed, I am healing.
I’ve found my road and I am discovering the true nature of my light.

I don’t know for sure where I am headed, as in the direction. I know trees are involved, I know love is calling. I also know that it will be a long dificult journey, one I am bound to give my all to.
I’ve had the opportunity to go back home, of course that involves Anthony. I’ve thought so long about it, I’ve shed many tears. There are times in life that no matter how much you love, nor the depth of that love, sometimes it is just not meant to be. That does not negate the uniqueness or specialness of the love, it’s not not meant to be.

Sometimes home seems the answer, mainly when it comes to my babies. Their father is up in the air on home, he is there now till his brother dies {hes been given three months} but, Kevin wants to move to California to attend a special college for forensic nursing, there or New York. So, I’ve considered that, shall I move them back home to not have him in a year, I will not follow him around the world.

I suppose that I still have things to think about. But have you noticed it’s all about choices and making decisions, it is not about being paralyzed by the numbness of sorrow.

I am marking this as done. My goal that received 150 cheers. I feel that I am successful at this. Yes, you will most likely see my morose self again, I will apologise now. I can’t go back to that place of sadness. I am not the same person.
I was not joking when I said this other person brought moonlight into my night.

That light changed the very essence of me. Maybe I should say, that light illuminated the essence of me that I kept locked away in the room behind my heart. I am eternally grateful for the freedom I have found.
Peace, Light and Love.

The farther out she walked, the more peace permeated her soul.

She wanted so desperatly to tell them, to hold them close and whisper to them… I will be alright.

The words were there within her mind, traveling from her heart. Somehow they always seemed to get stuck on her lips. Sweetly she smiles, closes her eyes and steals herself.

You wanted things to change. I have allowed it.
You wanted me to not look at you that way.
I closed my eyes so you won’t see.

You wanted me to not tell you of the Love I have…
I don’t write you anymore.

You wanted me to back away and have it all end
I went silent.

You wanted me to not hurt.
I don’t tell you I do.

You wanted me to let it all go.
Right… I can’t just let it all go. For I Love for Real.

I’ve given you what you want. The silence, stoped the looks of love, I’ve stoped writing, calling, I don’t bother you at all anymore. I respond to you in the manner you respond to me. Quick. Cold. That is what you wanted right. I am giving you what you want. I ask you Are you happy now. Now that I am just another face in the sea of hopefuls…

Has that made a difference. Did that ease the discomfort of your heart? Did that make the soul less tortured. Now that I don’t share with you the love I feel, is it easier to think it doesn’t exist.?... Now that you have from me what you really really want. Did it make life better for you.
Please, Please tell me it did. Because it is so very hard to keep this all inside and not tell you I love you.
I only do this, because why give what is not wanted.
I want you happy and at peace. Please tell me you have at least that.

I was a little unsure whether to write you. I want to pour my fillings out and have them fill this bowl, look deep into it see what I can see…

I got my customary phone calls yesterday.
You know what. I was sad yesterday, so very sad. I know, Silly Me. I talked to A. I really feel bad for him. No matter his imperfections and sometimes stupidity. He loves and cares for me. I was so emotional {full moon is over and period is almost to an end}... I told him I was hurting, I was hurting so badly.
He asked questions and I could hear such concern in his voice. I wanted to just scream it out tell him what was hurting.

He asked me, “Honey, why are you hurting”...
My spirit feels as if it’s been beaten, my heart riped in half, my soul hopeless. I just feel lost and so very alone.

I couldn’t tell him it was because of the “other one”.
There is no need to hurt more, whether he deserves that treatment or not. He thinks it is all about my needing to come home. I just let him try to comfort me.
He told me he has never seen me like this and he doesn’t like it at all.. {I don’t like feeling it either}. He said it began about a month ago {yes, it sure did}
We had long periods of silence, where tears fell silently from my eyes. He tried, I’m sorry A I can’t talk to you right now.

My Ex Husband called. He had told me the night before, that he was calling for me to vent, talk, cry whatever I wanted to do. He was calling me the next night so I could talk.
He gets scared when I go silent.
So he calls {God Bless his soul} I told you I was calling, I promised.. So Anthony…. “The Other, your One”...
Go, start talking.. I started laughing. He has known me for 27 years. He started to ask me questions. He knows the right ones to draw me out.

I talked about A and how I am feeling now and the damage that was created and that it will never be over come. But I am determined to heal from it. Then he asked about {were just going to call him ONE from now on. NO, initial or name}
then he asked about One… Oh the tear {damn, damn, damn tears}
I poured it all out.. Everything that has happened this past month.
He listened, he asked questions, he offered very little advice.
When it was all out there.. He told me this.
Louise, you have laid your heart out there wide open, like I’ve never seen you do. Be proud of that. I want to ask you a question… okay two.

Does One really want to live in the past with what was {no matter how beautiful it was, no matter how perfect it was, it WAS, it is no longer… He knows even if it was to work, that the same issue will come up again, and it all starts. He knows this, he is choosing to be old and alone because of a love he has put on a pedestal. I have done that.. I sort of know something of what he is feeling.
Have you told him what you feel? {that was question one.}
Yes, he knows how I feel, I am not telling anymore He doesn’t want to hear it. “no, baby, your knowing. Does he know what your knowing knows” {oh so cryptic} Yes. I’ve told him.

Question two… Is he worth waiting for no matter how long, is he worth the wait.
Yes, he is…. I don’t want to even be touched by another. Yes, hes worth the wait.. But, Kev why wait for someone or something that doesn’t want you… That makes no sense to me.

Louise, if he is worth waiting for, then give him time. There is confusion and conflict with in his love of was and what he feels for you. I am not going to bore you any more with this conversation.

I enjoyed talking to Kev. Me and Sie was teasing him unmercifully we were laughing so hard. I had my best friend of age 15 back… We talked for almost two hours. I sent him a picture of my car.. He wanted pic of his babies.. He wants his babies all over his house and as a moving screen saver on his computer. so I stayed up later than usual to send this man pictures.

I sent him some of me, so he could see…. He told me I was just gorgous. Whatever, get your eyes checked your glasses need changing.. He thinks me a smartass.. For true.

He comforted me. My heart is very much in the watery stage of things. One has my heart and doesn’t even know it. May not ever want it to the depth it loves. Kev gave me the chance to pour all those feelings I had locked inside out. He let me cry, he let me be silent, he let me talk. We talked about the birth of our daughter when they almost lost me.
He told me how I looked laying on that table.. How dead I looked and the Dr’s screaming and all the blood. He told me how he came to my face, kissed my cheek and begged me to wake up.
He told me how he held my love {Sierra} to me and had her hand touch my face and tell me I had to live. She needed me….

He told me how I touched his life and other lives. He told me how he admires me and my strength. How he would die for me, and how noone will ever take our friendship away.

He is my best friend. pure and plain…. I am very thankful for this man. {when I don’t want to choke the life from him of course}.... He listened to every word about “one” and reminded me of something I had said to him a thousand years ago.

It’s better to have love pure and true, to know what it feels like, to allow it to let you grow, and change. To become stronger from that love… Than to never even give yourself the chance.

I am thankful for him. For him drawing me into talking, asking the right questions. I am so thankful for him telling me it’s okay that I hurt and love and want. I am thankful he understands my love for “one”.... That my heart just can not give up and walk away.

I can’t do that. Kev told me to fight. I don’t know how to do that. You can’t fight a ghost. You can’t make someone see, want or feel as you would like. But, Lord bless him for telling me it was okay to feel that way, and for understanding. For reminding me of Who I am. Bless him for taking time out of his day to listen to me. More importantly I want to thank him for telling me to just be patient with “one” and to just be his friend and listen… I know what he is saying.
Thanks for reading this.. you have a blessed day.

Light and Love
With a Smile Serenity Louise.

As very few of you know my car was broken into the other day and my stereo was taken as well as my speakers.
I don’t have the money to replace it.

As none of you know, I was attack the other day. I wasn’t hurt.. just a drunk man I used to know.. Never dated.. just talked to and yes has a physical brief thing with.

long story short, he found where I live.. He didn’t hurt me.. just wanted what he wanted and made a show of trying to get it.

I grew up in rougher places.. so it was no big deal to force him off and away from me.. It was not in my home.. on the outside of my home, standing….. Not to worry, he didn’t hurt me.

I have exams this week.. A major one this morning..
And I wake to an email jumping my ass for the kind of friend I have been…to you I have to words.

no, I won’t even say that. It’s times like this when you’ve been hurt for no good reason. Well, hurt simply because the time to know ALL the facts was not taken.. The time to see if what you THOUGHT was not taken..
I don’t need this drama.. I can’t live in it.. I am not made for it… Drama is not my middle name, it is LOUISE..

I didn’t need to be kicked when I was down. I am having a hard time of things right now. Emotionally, physically, financially, fuck even sexually, {not going out and fulfilling those carnal needs is making me testy.}.. I am being pulled in different directions yet, I know exactly what I want..
What I want may not want me.. and all this in my personal life.. all that I mentioned all that I hold private..
and I get told how I am not a good friend, that I have done a disservice. That hurt me.. I am just being honest.. That hurt..
I was kicked when down. I don’t play that game..
I don’t play games period {well unless they are in the bedroom}

I am done.. here.. I think the time has come to cut my ties and sever contact and just be drama free.. I have always and I mean always tried to be the best friend I could. Putting aside my own feelings to understand, putting aside my own pain to here of another’s. I have put aside my own desires and love to hear the one I love talk about another.. I have tried being a good friend.. I am not perfect. I am not close to perfect. I don’t attack unless provoked. I am so tired of all the drama.
If it is so bad in your world that you feel the need to take your frustrations out on someone.. who better than I .. The human punching bag.

Hope you feel better now..
I will consider what you’ve said.

So fuckin’ sad.. I keep crying.
I need something.. Hell, I know what I need.
I am just so tired. I am scared, worried. Feeling very alone

I want to scream what is wrong with me. I know there is nothing more wrong with me than with anyone else.
I’m just tired…

I just want to be able to love the way I want to, the way I need.

I am sick of me being so needy for love and affection..
I am tired of feeling like my insides are such a mess that noone
will want to take the time to stay with me..

Oh Anthony is all about the love now… That, is way to late..

You know when you love someone else.. Which I do.. I am so much in…

Ahhh never mind. you are witnessing a melt down.. I wonder how many people will be thrilled with that.

Serenity is having a Melt down.
FUCK ME IF I’M A JOKE

for this….....

He tried to make me feel bad, because of how I feel.

Even though he made it sound like I was not trying hard enough.
Even though he tried to make me feel like my love is not good.
Even though he tried to make me break {I did cry and I cried a lot}... I didn’t break.

Even though, he wants me to give up… give in…. give my all
And him give me nothing but more tears and hurt..
Even though you punish me, bacause I don’t “feel” how you think I should… Even though…
I am not sad.
I refuse.
I am stronger than your perception of me. I am stronger than what you have done.. I never cheated.
I am stronger than what you have given me credit for.. I have made my decision.
Your not a part of it.

FUCK CANCER.

how many fights till it’s over.. Mother Fuck Cancer…
My aunt was almost done with this fight.. Breast cancer, her brother {my uncle} is fighting a different kind now.. My aunt just finished her Chemo.. They found a spot on her lungs.
Now she has to go through radiation…

My Dr. Apt. is in September..

FUCK CANCER

What is it about people that they see that they have a gift {for lack of a better word} before them and they don’t appreciate or love hell even want it until it is gone and far to late.. What prohibits people from opening their eyes before the inevitable to late.?

I just don’t understand this. I got a phone call this morning. Early. It went a little something like this.

Louise, I am sorry. I regret so many things about that time. I realize what I lost, and I know there is nothing I can do now to bring it all back. I owe you. I owe you so much for all the love you gave to me. I only wish I could have seen it then. I am sorry for all I have put you through. You didn’t deserve that. I want to make it all up to you. I regret how I treated you, how I used you, took advantage of the love you offered. I am sorry. I know it is to late. There is someone one else you care for. I know it’s been to long. I just wanted you to know You were right. I realise now what I had. Not to mention how you made my body feel.

As if that wasn’t good enough..
I got a call 5 hours later today. Went something like this.

Princess: I’m sorry. I am so sorry I took you for granted. I would do anything to get you back. I want to tell you what you mean to me. I don’t know why I did those things to you. I don’t know why I didn’t appreciate the gift I had been given…
I miss talking to you. I miss hearing your laughter. I miss you touching my face. I am so sorry T. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I realize {do we notice a pattern here} what I had in you. NO women compares to you . i will never be loved the way you loved me.. Not to mention how you made love to me. The things you did the way you touched me (we heard that before right). I know you found someone else.. T… If he doesn’t want you {wow that is encouraging} remember I will never do to you what I did in the past. Things have changed.. I just want to talk to you again.. I just want us to be close to hear you when you speak. I realize what was wrong and I want to fix it…
This new man: He won’t love you the way I do {ummm.. then why are you gone right… That’s what everyone wants to ask}

Two different conversations. Same pattern..

I realize now what I had in / with you..

Why does it take loosing the one who is precious before you realize just how precious they are.? why does a person have to go silent and stop communication, before they are heard?
And please if anyone can answer this one. Why do you realize the Gift{lack of a better word again} but not realize the prize.?

My response although varied per individual and the relationship I had with each. Went like this..

It is to late…. You had your chance… I put up with a lot of drama…. I gave my love to you with no conditions…. I stood beside you, encouraged you, held you and yes I touched you..
You choose {that is the key word in this entire day}... you Chose to walk away {i just let you} You chose to be with someone else. You made the choice {I gave you what you wanted, freedom from me. NO more phone calls, no notes, no contact, no text messg, no instant messg, no emails, no seeing me at all}... That is what you wanted Right.{statement not a question}.... Yes, there is someone else I have feelings for. Will it go anywhere other than the place it is.. I have no clue.
only time will tell, Oh and he has a choice…Hey, thanks for calling, it’s been awhile since someone brought a sunrise to my window….

My Word. What is flippin’ wrong with people.?