I have been hurt these past couple days. I know that I am strong enough to not let Words hurt me. Last night I was Talking to A. I told him how my feelings had been hurt and I wanted to talk to him because I knew he would understand..
This is his response. Again, you let words hurt you. When are you going to put aside your emotion and look at things from a logical perspective. They are only words And the people behind them are nothing, so why again were your feelings hurt.?
I see truth in this statement… I hadn’t talked to anyone about this {being hurt by words and actions} I kept it to myself, I didn’t think anyone would want to hear me tell them why my emotions were bruised. I honestly didn’t think anyone was interested. I am such an emotional feeling person. I am very logical, I can read peoples reactions and actions very well, you don’t grow up being abused at every turn and not learn to see when it’s coming…. Any one who has suffered greatly at the hand of another will understand what I just said.
So, I have learned how to read {feel} people.
Well, the feelings was hurt and the emotions bruised, I felt no one wanted to hear it, or would even care. I mean it was only a deal to me. I didn’t let anyone know. My sisters were here with me most of yesterday, They kept asking what was wrong. See they can read {feel} people too. We did grown up together after all. I didnt want to burden them.
So last night about 11 Tx time I talked to A. Instant messg.
I told him about it. You just read his response. Why am I sad.
Because I was Just proven right by the man who claims to Love me, the one who claims to understand and “Get Me” when no one else does. He as well as others have told me this “you can tell me anything, talk to me about what ever you want, Never be afraid to share your emotions and feelings with me”
I don’t think he remembered that…. It is not him who makes me sad, I have grieved that relationship already. I know how to shut down and shut off. I am princess of shutting down my feelings and shutting off my emotions….
I am a Realest: An emotionally realest, still a realest.
I see situations for exactly what they are, no rose coloured glasses for me. I don’t go to people and put myself down just so they will pump me up. I don’t go crying to people so they will tell me how great and wonderful they think I am .
I do like hearing what others think of me {If they are sincere and not playing a game to look good themselves or to gain something from me, I do see through that pretty quickly}. I am human after all. For the most part, when I talk to someone it is simply to be heard, to find my own resolution, to hear another perspective, to walk through my emotions as I talk, to find the balance of harmony and peace. Not to be told pretty things in order to feel good. To me that is a parasite feeding off another rather than leaning and growing stronger.
So I see where A is right.
They are merely words.
Will their need to put me down and make me feel bad change my spirit? NO
Will their need to make me feel less than so they look good damage my soul? NO
Will their need to belittle and / or make fun of me cause my heart to break? NO
I am not one, who will purposely make you feel less than, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I won’t hurt anyone. I am horrible when pushed. I will verbally rape you and never cuss you. I will verbally rape you and tell you the truth about who you are and never put you down. I don’t want to go there because even justified I will feel bad. So why would someone want me to hurt.? The only reason I can think of….. The perverse need to look or feel better than I. Oh how sad.
So even looking at A and his response. To him he thought he was being helpful, put aside emotion look with logic. To me it was still “put me down for feeling, make your self look better than me because you wouldn’t let words hurt you.”
So, what was meant as a moment to share {I didn’t have anyone else to talk to, and I needed to talk} turned into another reason to put my feeling back into that room behind my heart.
That secret place where only I know what is going on. The special room…
The Room Behind My Heart.
I don’t need to talk anymore, I am fine. I will go to my meetings today, and I will get my house so my children can have their own again. I will have my life, I will make a new life here for them as best I can. I will go to the Dr. tomorrow for my testing.
I am just walking away from feeling. There are too many people in this world far to eager to hurt you in order to make themselves feel better. I don’t want to play that game. Thank God for wisdom. And true wisdom only comes with age. Not the number of years you lived. The number of Years you Learned.
Wisdom and Self respect are learned they are not innate.
Light and Love.
Lady J cheered this 6 years ago
