Way to tired.

What am I going to do…

_{what the fuck am I going to do…}

SCCCCRRRREEEEAAAAAAMMMMMM

I have had so much emotional up and down these past few lifetimes.

I can’t live like this anymore. I am not built for it… Ahhhhhhh. Sigh.

I crave consistency, solid, dependable, routine. Long gone is the fly by night girl I was once. Long gone is the just dare to live. I’ve followed my heart and I am blessed for where it lead me.

I listened to my heart and I am proud of what is has shown me. I’ve been told many times in my past that I get in moods where I am whacked out. {insecure}.

Emotional triggers. I can’t do it no more, I so so so need just simple plain… simple.

I have to make some decisions. I need my mind solid and my heart in submission to it, before I go home.
Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am letting go of some junk that seems to plague me.

Healing for serenity…
I guess I just woke with an unrealistic expectations…{you know how you want those moments of clarity… and they are not there. damn}

I have always, always depended on myself. I was talking to my brother the other day in a conference, He said to the other person. T doesn’t ask for things, she tries to make it seem like she is fine when she is not. She won’t ask for anything.

That is true. When I do ask it’s a big deal to me. I have always had to depend on myself. I am NOT saying I have not had help, I have. I have had many people care for me and what I feel.

But those secret things, those deep feelings, those things that you never share with others… those things that cry to be touched and wanted. I can’t ignore them any more.

I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone anymore. That is NOT to say I can’t or am afraid to be. I’m NOT, not in the least.

I am choosing NOT to be.
It gets old, really quick. VERY old, to laugh alone, cry alone. Make decisions, have bad horrid nights like the one I had last night. I’m tired of being alone.

Seems I have a lot on my mind today. Ahhh, it always happens.
Dear Diary, expect a letter from me later today.
thank you for being there and for caring.

Sometimes, I’m afraid of the Future… Exasperated Sigh…

I’m afraid of what I will lose.

You know I’ve fought myself out of some messed up stuff. I’ve held my head high even when I was kissing the ground, to weak, to tired, mentally exhausted, “I can’t take no fuckin’ more”.

Still I managed to “DO IT”. I’ve had very little and extremely hard times. {I believe most of us can relate… It may be different circumstances. But, we all know what “Extremely Hard Times”... is.

My innocence and trust was betrayed and stolen at an age that little ones don’t know what innocence even is. I’ve been through various abuses. Each has taught me valuable lessons, created whom I’ve became, who I will become.

I believe All the lessons in life are not easy, in fact… We grow more, evolve deeper, learn the most from the hard times.

How else will we know the true beauty of the mountain top, if we’ve never traveled the treacherous valley.

I’ve been used and abandoned in a maze of emotions that had the power to cripple me. I’ve been damaged and stitched back together in a haphazard way.

When you have nothing you don’t fear losing it. Life is just lived and you “do” what must be done for the betterment of those whom you love.

I fear the future sometimes. I fear what I could lose, how it could end one day, something tragic in my mind. You know how it is, when something is to good to be true. You expect the other shoe to drop on your head, or the carpet to be pulled from beneath you, sending you falling on your ass.

I have to face this fear, I know it’s silly. It’s just when you’ve gone through some NOT so good things, and have some damaged areas inside stemming from those NOT so good things.

You wonder if that damage will be to much to deal with. Will it drive others away, will they see the hurt child beneath the distance, Will they know that all you need is to be grabbed pulled close and held onto tight. Or will it drive a wedge so deep that your one chance, your last chance is lost forever and your future is no longer.

Yeah, I’m a messed up cookie sometimes.