be comfortable with being alone

Well this amazing guy came into my life and I guess I should have known better than to have started anything with him, but technically he started it and he shouldn’t have. Lindsey told me that you can’t help who you fall for so just go for it. I did. (I already know that this is very choppy, but oh well!) I fell hard…I wasn’t lonely for two weeks…I was happy and couldn’t stop smiling. I found myself somewhere I had never been before…happy…..I wanna go back! I miss him! He had to tell me that he was unhappy with himself that he slept in the same bed with me. I feel like crap and I just want him to come back. Why do I feel as if I fucked it up somehow?

This is so sad. My really great friend, Lindsey, got a wonderful guy and now they are boyfriend and girlfriend and I am so happy for her. I don’t know if you are supposed to consider it lying, but I kinda think it is, but I told her that I am extremely happy for her. Don’t get me wrong I love her to death and I AM extremely happy for her, but in all honesty I am a little sad for myself. I just feel so lost and alone, like always and this whole trying to be comfortable with being alone thing is obviously not working for me.

Last night Lindsey and I went over to Brandon’s, her boyfriend, apartment and I got pretty trashed and I do remember telling her that I lied to her, but I can’t quite remember if I told her what I lied about. I hope that I didn’t, she is so happy and that is great to see her this happy. Brandon fits into her puzzle, he was the missing piece.

Talking about puzzles I honestly think I am missing a couple of pieces and I need to find them. I feel just lost in general.

I know that it takes time, but I am so damn tired of hearing that or hearing “when you stop looking something will come your way.” Truthfully I think that is just bull shit. I think that when you look you may be able to find someone who fits you and fits into your puzzle. Someone has to be looking to find the other.

So I am back to the swing of things at school and of course it seems like everywhere I look someone has someone! I am getting a little scared that love or even a relationship is not going to be coming my direction!

Lately loneliness has overcome me. I am always feeling alone and without someone. Everywhere I turn there is a couple…holding hands and kissing. I want it so badly. If anything I just want someone to be there for me, someone who I can run to when the going gets tough. I love my friends to death, but it kills me everytime they mention how they have met someone new. Does a person have to go to a bar or a club to meet someone, or is there still the possibility of meeting someone on the street that strikes you as an amazing person? I am sure that there are many fish in the sea, but where is my fish? Will I ever find him? Did he get eaten by a shark?

Sometimes the loneliness makes me cry myself to sleep. I go to work and see a couple and turn around, walk into my office and just stare at my computer, thinking and having the sudden and most awful urge to cry. I would love to be comfortable with being alone, but will this ever happen?