think less

Well here I am, just finished crying about a guy that always seems to hurt me. I thought…and thought….and thought….and thought…why? Why do I have to worry about someone that doesn’t worry about me. This may sound ridiculous but I feel as if he may turn around and see something in us. At least I think that. I just want to get him out of my head and move on from the pain he causes me, but I can’t. He has this vortex that sucks me in to believing that he likes me…what a dumb shit I am! I wish I could stop analyzing everything about him and everything about us (whatever us may be).

Last night I stayed up until 5am. I had to be up at 8:30 to go to work. The fact of the matter is that I think TOO much. As I lay in my bed last night I thought and thought. Everything rushed into my mind and there was no way of stopping it. I thought about my life and about death (not particularly mine). There are so many things I fear and so many things I wish I could do, but I think TOO much! I believe that thinking is what is effecting me from doing so much with my life. That is why I won’t take a leap of faith and be the brave one and ask a guy out. (trust me I am not a traditional person) That is why I don’t want my mom to go away from me, because I don’t know how I can handle everything she does. That is why I sit at home and sleep, watch TV, or eat, when there are more exciting things going on outside!

When I begin to think I become confused. I hate to bring up my loneliness factor in, but last night one of the things I thought about was my loneliness. I just wonder sometimes why I am alone. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not funny? Not pretty? Not genuine? Not creative? Am I not the right fish for you? I just lay confused last night and all day today actually. I want answers but I know that they are hard to come by. Don’t tell me that these questions can’t be answered, because every question has an answer. Well I must get some rest, I have to work tomorrow morning too.