grow spiritually

I’ve read several more chapters that Paul wrote, and my feelings about him have changed, subtly, slowly. I can feel his urgency and conviction now, ringing through letter after letter. He considered these churches his offering to God. There is so much passion in them, and I can understand that, given how I feel about mentoring my children and my students.

He was also, in seems, virtually growing a religion, trying to articulate the fundamental tenets of Christianity. I don’t really understand why he felt a need to do that, although I’m gathering that there were many sects that sprang up after Christ died. Was Paul feeling pressed to represent the true Christ? Was he afraid that Christ’s message would be lost? I’m guessing so, since he seems to feel so much urgency.

It’s awesome how many letters he wrote. Over and over again….reassuring, storming, warning, cajoling. They are really highly personal letters, and I feel like I’m going into someone’s private papers….almost too intimate.

M’s mom is too ill for it, the doctors decided today. She has a slight gastrointestinal infection, which could be enough to kill her in and of itself. They will wait until she has no more fever. In the meantime I try not to take for granted that she has lived through critical medical crises over and over again. I don’t want to get complacent and lose her.

You would have to know her to understand why I love her so much. She was a supermodel in the 50s, and I really mean that…on the cover of Time. I’ve never seen the pictures of that shoot or any of the other ones…I’ve never seen a picture of her well. She was married to an alcoholic and divorced to try to raise her children and her spirits. Some of the kids choose to stay with their dad; they had a negative outcome, to put it clinically. But M stayed with her mom as her primary supporter, and she’s got more strength than anyone I know.

So M’s mom today endures the effects of long-term treatment for this disease. Her face is rounded from constant steriods, and her body is so frail she walks with a walker. She has been in and out of the hospital all year. Any level of infection is a crisis for her, because with the immunosuppression drugs they use to treat the lupus, she has no defense to bacteria. She’s had a stroke, and all of her major organs are failing. She lives with M as her caretaker, unable to drive, go out into public (infection risk), exercise (frail bones), or read (partial blindness). She is in constant pain.

She literally lives for love.

I have actually never heard her complain about anything. She does not criticize others or feel sorry for herself, no matter how much she has lost. She does not seem to question the value of life or even notice her own suffering.

Although she can’t see much of me, she has the clearest eyes that let me look into her heart. She has beautifully soft hair and a gentle, loving touch. She listens attentively and enjoys quiet humor. She hears God’s voice all the time. I think He speaks through her.

M is overwhelmed with caregiving activities, and I offer all the time to go be with her mom. But it is hard for her to allow me to have this burden, which is not a burden to me (nor really to M, either). M carries her mother inside her; I’ve never known a mother or daughter so similar or so close emotionally.

Can you see why I say she’s like a saint to me? I grow every time I’m around her. She gives me strength. Neither M nor I are ready to lose her.

on Friday, which would be bad, but is made worse by the fact that she’s in end stage lupus. I’m going with M. for the procedure Friday. We’re both worried that she won’t make it off the table. Please pray for her with us….she’s the closest person to a saint that I’ve ever met in my life. Really.

Harry, and for Don, whose cancer is back with a vengence.

I’ve been worried about money, the waning of my nest egg and my lack of backup because of the health problems. It’s looking like surgery and those charges scare me.

Anyway, it was a weird thing to pray about, but I did.

A couple of days ago a former student of mine who has made it big called to throw some work my way. Total price-tag? $6,000. Six grand for doing work I enjoy. I couldn’t believe it. This will pay for the roof repair.

an important event in the Lutheran church. I don’t get tired of hearing of the changes Martin Luther brought. An exceedingly imperfect man, he nonetheless had such a huge impact on the way we think.

I always thought, even as a teen, that I was ultimately responsible for my relationship with God. No one has said that more eloquently than Luther.

I’ve been walking through crowded places, like the airport teaming with people, and suddenly I really SEE them, rather than the mass of them….individual people, black, white, brown, men, women, children, and teens….each one completely unique, and I find it so comforting that he loves every one of these people, that I find myself thanking him for loving all of us.

above my bed.

I put it there because I like sleeping under it all night.

for my Muslim student (who is helping me to understand her religion, slowly but surely)...

I love learning about different religions.

Matthew was difficult. I find it strange that he never described Jesus as a person. We’ll see where this leads me.