decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life

i dont need to decide what i want to do for the REST of my life right NOW, because there are lots of things i want to do, not just one. life is a journey not a destination, so on my journey i’d like to accomplish many things. i want to be an artist, a mother, a teacher, a lover, a healer and i’ll think up more along the way.

for now i’m pursuing my art

peace

all my life i thought that all i wanted was to find my love get married, have kids and live happily ever after. throughout college as my friends were focusing on grad school, and interviewing for jobs, i was dreaming about how i was going to raise my kids.

i completely believe in self-fullfilling prophecies, bc right before graduation i found my love and we got married soon after. my life was going exactly how i had always imagined it would. and now i’m living the life i’ve always dreamed of, but i feel like i’m waking up from my fairytale world, and realizing that i need to find something fulfilling to do for myself.

also theres also the fact that having kids is proving to be harder than we thought it would be, i’m second guessing my goals in life. i know that i would love to be a mother one day, but i’m sort of becoming ambivalent to the idea of having a baby right now. maybe its bc i’ve been dissapointed for the past year and half and this ambivalence is now my defence mechanism, or perhaps i’m realizing that i should try to do something else w/ my life.

so now i need to figure what to do w/ my life without having a complete nervous breakdown.

is to be a mother, an artist, and someone who can make a difference in the world. i want my life to have meaning, to find peace, and give love and happiness to others.

i just cant seem to figure out what i want to do for a living. i dream of finding a meaningful job, but i feel like i’m living in limbo, just waiting to become a mother so my life could begin. i know its completely unhealthy, but i feel stuck.

after we got married, i moved to a really small town so my husband could finish his training, it was only supposed to be for a year, and i had just graduated from college, and decided to take a year off so i could work on my art, and read all of the books i didnt have to time read before. but now dh got accepted into another program, which is going to be another year. now i regret not looking for a job hard enough, or even applying to grad school. i should have applied to grad school.

before we got married, i imagined that i’d get pregnant right away, and we’d have this lovely little family. we both love kids and cant wait to have our own. i cant believe how fast time goes by, each month held the possiblity that it might be the one where we would be blessed w/ a new life, and each month ended in dissapointment.

i dont know, maybe i’m not supposed to be mother right now, even if i want to be one so badly…maybe i’m supposed to do something else first…

i could totally see myself becoming an art teacher! my favorite memories from highschool were all based around all the diff art projects we did, my teacher was so inspiring, i’d love to be able to inspire kids like she did.

ohhhh and waking up everyday knowing that i’ll be surronded by art would just be a dream come true.
i dont know why i didnt let myself think about this before, my brother has been telling me for years that i should go into teaching since i love working with kids so much. and combining art with teaching would be perfection!

i’m getting quite excited about this prospect, now i just have to figure out how to do this…i already have my bachelors in psychology, but i took a few art courses while i was doing my undergrad, i wonder where i’d have to start from…..hmmmm…..

i have my ba in psychology, but i cant find any jobs that i actually want to do. at this point i’ve been out of school for a year, and my “year off” is officially over. i cant help it but i’m starting to get really depressed bc now i feel like i dont have any goals. i was think about becoming a school psychologist or a guidance counselor, but i need to take the gre, and get into grad school. i’m not sure my professors will actually remember me, so i dont know where i’m going to get my reference letters from.
i wish i was still in school.
i’m not ready for the real world yet.