be happy

Its a state of mind, isn’t it? I think to be a happy person, you have to be able to filter out the negatives, and not let them take over your life. You have to learn to control those ANTS- automatic negative thoughts…I’ve got tons of those.
For some reason I automatically assume the worst possible scenario for every situation. Perhaps its my way of protecting myself emotionally.In case something horrible were to happen, at least I would have thought about it before, and have a plan.
But its no way to live, always waiting for something horrible to happen.

i need to let go of fear, and just accept beauty and truth into my life. i have so much to be grateful for, yet i end up always obsessing about the imperfect things in my life.

i have a husband who loves me despite the fact that i’m always picking at his faults. that makes me sound like a horrible person, and it makes me feel pretty crappy as well.

i’m tired of trying to change him.

i wish i could just accept him for who he is, and focus on all of his good qualities. when i get frustrated i end up picking on him, and its really not fair to him or myself. i very rarely tell him these things, and they end up festering inside for weeks at a time, and then the littlest thing can happen and i blow up on him, like a toxic volcano.

the thing is i know the root of the problem is that i’m unhappy with myself. and he’s the closest person around that i can transfer all my frustrations onto so i don’t have to deal with my own faults.

starting today i’m going to think start thinking in a more positive way. if an evil negative thought tries to crawl its way into my mind, i’ll slam it down with a positive one.

i’m having a hard time with this goal. i thought i had everything i wanted in life, a good husband, a baby on the way, pursuing my art…you would think i would be on top of the world

but why are these tears threatening to roll down my face?