The key I think is to just accept him the way he is, without always trying to change him, and wishing he would be more romantic. It would be wonderful if he told me he loved me more, or surprised me once in a while. But I have wasted so much time wishing he was different and not enjoying our marriage.
Before we got married I had finally reached a point in my life where I felt confident and happy with myself. I felt capable of doing anything I wanted or needed to do. And then we got married, and moved away to the middle of no where so he could finish doing his residency program. I decided to take a year off and focus on my art, read, learn to cook and do all the things I had always wanted to do, but never had the time. This I think was a huge mistake, because in doing that I lost my self. I just became his wife, not really a real artist, but just his wife.
Then we decided to start a family, and I thought, Perfect! I can be a stay at home mom, I always said to myself that when I would have children I would want to stay home and be with them 24/7 and be the best mom ever. Its funny how sometimes the things you were so sure you wanted don’t turn out exactly how you imagined. The road to motherhood was long and stressful, but now we have a beautiful little baby girl, and she is truly the love of my life. But I feel like I need more out of life, or rather I need to do more, to feel more alive, and connected to the world.
After the baby our dynamic as a couple changed, he loves her more than life itself, which I think is wonderful, but in giving her time and attention, he forgets that I exists as well. I’ve tried talking to him about this, but when he asked me if I was jealous of our daughter, it floored me. I can not possibly be turning into the kind of person who is jealous of their own child! I know I’m not, I would do anything for her, but I need to feel like he loves me too. I need to feel a connection with him.
Anyway, I’m starting to ramble here, but I think I figured out how I can fix this mess. I need to create my own identity, and not rely on his attention for validation. Because I guess that’s the root problem, I have a need to validate my existence, that yes, I do matter, someone does love me for who I am, and not just because I can cook and clean for them, and take care of them. That I can contribute to society.
I think if I can regain my confidence in myself, it will help our relationship. Instead of wishing he were different, I will put all of that energy into making myself into the person I want to be.
