Become more focused

My focus is much better than before!!!

I am steadily becoming more focused… still got some improvements to make in my life in order to feel like my life is more in order… enough to REALLY feel focused. Now, I KNOW I’ll be really focused when I’m able to walk into my room and see most things in order in there. Whenever something in my life feels out of whack.. my room tends to be a huge mess, like it is right, and shows that I’m not as focused as I could be.

It’s weird because, right now, I feel like my life is changing for the better, but then again… sometimes I’m feeling like I’m sinking lower. It’s just hard, with all the things I’m trying to figure out right now and how much I’m having to work through… always HAVE had to work through because of my abusive past.

Sometimes, now, I’m amazed at how much more focused I feel than I have in a VERY long time… then again, yesterday and today, I’ve been drowning in depression. I’m starting to come out of it now, or I wouldn’t even have the focus to sit here and type out a few paragraphs.

I really can’t decide if I’m coming or going on this goal right now. I think I’m going to stay positive though and just say that… yes, I have seen myself start to improve as far as my focus in life is concerned.

For the last 2 years I’ve saved very little money… because, before, my life held no purpose… therefore I had no goals to work towards. Since my life held little meaning and I felt I had little possibility for growth in my future… I blew my money. I felt trapped living with my parents. Well – now I’ve finally found reason to save money… reason to improve myself in so many ways.

I had moved away from God, therefore I could no longer be blessed. I put myself in a horrible position. Luckily, God is gracious. I prayed for Him to pull me out of it earnestly, made a list of all the things I needed to change in my life in order to grow and find meaning in my life again… A couple of days later He brought a wonderful man to me.

Through that man and the short-lived relationship we had, God has shaken me up and given me a new purpose, a new focal point of ambition and a goal to build upon, to continue to move forward: my goal is to become the kind of woman who can be great for a man and my future family, as a wife and a mother. My biggest fear, for most of my life, has been turning out just like my emotionally and psychologically abusive mother. God used my relationship with David to show me how much I really need to change before I could truly be uplifting and good for a man in that type of a love relationship. It hurt tremendously to lose him.. and to realize the negative effect I had on him in some ways, but I realize more than ever how important it is for me to work on improving myself in many areas… so that love will be more of a possiblity as something being successful in my life.

Now, I’m focused on saving at least 75% of my monthly earnings each month… so that in about a year… I’ll finally feel ready enough financially to move out and support myself as I continue working and going to school part time.