I was verbally abused my entire childhood… and was kept at home most of the time also. Both of my parents hardly ever go ANYWHERE… never have. Therefore I’ve always been stuck with them, day in day out, even now – I moved back in and I NEVER have any alone time… they are ALWAYS here. Just being in my mother’s presence.. makes it so much harder for me to be motivated to be productive.
The way I was raised made it a lot easier for me to succumb to a life of unproductiveness. When you hear damaging words towards you, about you, about who you are and your life, day in day out…. it’s hard to feel like you can do much. When you’ve been around constant negativity and screaming most of your life… it’s hard to see a point in being as productive as you should, sometimes.
It’s been an ongoing struggle for me, to rise above this psychological and emotional bondage. It’s gotten better… but if I don’t work VERY VERY hard and keep a constant check on myself – while still being in the place where I grew up – then I could very easily sink back into the deep, dark hole I was in before.
I must admit, I’m not completely out of that hole yet… but I am seeing a LOT more light and getting closer and closer to being above ground again.
I’m now forcing myself to do daily things, away from work, that I need to do to take care of myself, better myself, and keep moving forward. God brought a man into my life almost a year ago and used him to shake my world up and show me the hope that my life still holds. When it ended between me and the guy… I was devastated, but NOW I feel more motivated to keep moving forward… because I truly want to see myself having a regular, happy life… as I deserve to have one like most people I know. What keeps me moving forward is thinking about how I don’t want to some day fall in love with a man, get married to him, and then have children by him – and end up treating my family the way that my mother has treated me most of my life. I don’t want to be so damaging to myself and to others. I have to take care of myself each day, as if I’m taking care of my future children. I won’t become the monster that my mother was to me, growing up.
I have to stay productive and become more and more each day… keep my head up, keep on moving.