fearlessly live the life I want to live, be who I truly want to be, welcome change, unleash my inner, creative, adventurous, warrior self, and have no apologies for it, whatsoever, to anyone

I’ve made huge improvements on this goal over the last I don’t know how long. I’m super proud of myself cause I’ve grown so much over the last 4 months or so. Just coming to this school and taking a chance on myself has been one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, but also (by far) the most rewarding. I’ve never been so happy about a decision in my entire life. I really feel blessed and know that I’m on the right path. Go me!!

I remember waking up at 4 am one morning in a bit of a daze and feeling a bit confused… I stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the light only to not recognize the face staring at me.

Standing naked in front of the mirror my own body seemed foreign to me. The last time I could recall it, it was over 100 lbs lighter… trim, fit. My face, once beautiful and defined, was now a washed out roundish blob. My once strong, confident posture, was now weakened and my entire aura spoke of hopelessness.

I knew facts of my current life… that I was married and when. Where I had been proposed to. Even a few inside jokes, but I couldn’t remember the how… the why… the details… it was like waking up out of a daze to a life you never remember wanting and not understanding how you got there.

The mirror has always been an important part of my personal energy for me. It’s where I can look into my own soul and really search myself for what’s inside and look for those nuggets of beauty and strength to push myself forward. And so it’s seems only appropriate that this revelation would occur in front of a mirror.

Unfortunately the task to dig myself out of the weakened mess that I’d become would be a long one and though a lot of it has been improved upon, when I’d look in the mirror, I’d still see myself as the heavy girl that was so depressed and hopeless that night in the mirror.

That’s changed lately. Lately when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I’ve been shocked in the exact opposite way of that night. Suddenly I’m knocked off guard by the strong, beautiful and independent woman standing in front of me. I’m not fully back to my original weight, but I can see myself again. As I see me in my heart. And that makes me happy. :)

I think I figured out why I love Jack Black so much… cause here’s a guy who’s not the average attractive norm who’s managed to become both a rock star and a movie star. Mostly cause he seems to be someone who’s enjoying every moment of his life and sees the world as a place where no dream is too big. He’s kind of an idol to me. Funny stuff.

Lately, I’ve been losing the fear and starting to enjoy the ride of life more and more. For those of you who follow my daily gratitude goal you have seen this already, but I’ve completely fallen in love (deeper than anything before) with the idea that I don’t know what my tomorrow holds for me at all, but I know that it’s going to be an adventure.

I love this idea that I’ll be going wherever life takes me. It feels so much truer to me than anything I’ve tried before. I feel like God will just open the path I’m meant to travel before me and that this is just the start of an amazing journey. I’m pretty pumped for it. I hope that I always keep myself open enough in life to take any opportunity that lends itself to me.

When I was little (and even now), I always admired the type of people who would just flow with life and travel around about the world wherever it took them. I’ve always wanted to be like that and I feel like I’m finally getting there. Leaving behind my roots (what I’m doing now) will be the hardest bit. After that I’ll have the room to grow into the person I know I’m supposed to be.

I’ve been thinking about this goal a lot lately in relation to my body. When I weighed 70lbs+ more, I was hardly myself. I was a person I didn’t recognize and it seems to be the more weight I lose the more comfortable I feel in my own skin and therefor the more me I feel.

I look pretty fantastic now… especially when I clean up nicely. And I feel more confident because of this, but I could definitely be more fit and I think doing so would make me feel even more amazing and give me more options. Also, I’d have added energy, which would be definitely welcome.

With the line of work I’m going into…. I’ll be working long hours and will need to stay alert and active. I know this is what I’m meant to do and to do it the most efficiently I think it’d be better if I lost another 20-25 lbs and toned up. Being stronger could only help me on sets.

This is important to me. I need to get there.

Only time for one update probably and so it’s going to be the one that counts the most:

In following my dreams to go into the movie business…. I’ve inspired my father to quit his job overseeing several car dealerships so that he can go out and buy one of his own. A dream he’s held all his life and not gone after. :)

Knowing that I don’t know where I’ll be living has even allowed him to broaden the area of where he’s willing to live.

I cried when I found this out earlier today. I know I wasn’t the only thing that made this decision possible, but knowing I was part of it filled me with more joy than I can say. I’m so proud of him.

I’m turning into one of those people I used to be jealous of. And not just one aspect of me, but every aspect of me.

All the qualities, goals, etc. that I used to wish I could have or be are now things that I’m actively doing and working towards. How amazing is that?

I wish that everyone could wake up one morning and realize they had become the type of person they always dreamed of being. I’m getting there. And, more importantly, I’m loving the journey. :)

For a long time in my life, I’ve struggled with my relationship with my father (this is no secret), but having his blessings on the life I want now is only more proof that I’ve finally found my path in life. Cause in my dream life… I have an amazing relationship with my father who I take vacations between movies to go visit and rebuild old cars with. We’re going to get there.

“I speak the truth, not so much as I would, but as much as I dare; and I dare a little more as I grow older.”
- Montaigne

I’ve noticed that every year I get a little more impatient about speaking exactly what’s on my mind. I’m losing that need to dance around issues. I’m still far from perfect about it, but I’m liking this bolder me that isn’t afraid to say exactly what I need and or want from people/situations. I can’t wait to watch it hit more areas of my life.

After browsing goals and seeing this one, I’ve realized that I really want to be the kind of person that would some day end up on that list. I want to create a life where little girls look up to me as someone they’d more like to be like. I think that’d be really amazing. I guess only time will tell if I ever achieve this goal.

Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality. – Erich Fromm

So, despite what my mom said and what I know a lot of people are thinking, I decided to invest in my own online business. I’m really nervous about it. Like I’ve spent half the day feeling sick. But you know what? I think this is going to be really good for me to help me build confidence and some independent forms of income.

I know a lot of people are going to think I’m crazy and whatever, but I’m hoping that I can make decent money with this. Or at least keep trying till I find something that works. :S