Beat my depression

...own fault as went out for tea from work Fri & had too much to drink in a short space of time, left early & was promptly sick on return home. forgot can’t drink much on tabs & makes me feel terrible. Also got my assignments back from Uni sat morning even though I had passed the comments put me in a negative frame of mind & lowered my self esteem, as a result cancelled my plans for the afternoon & remained in bed all day. Did better Sun, collected book from Library & started to do something about dissertation. Trying doing as opposed to negative thinking.

...seem to be fine in myself, although forgot to take med today.I think the sleeping thing & bit of rash I have on my hands is down to the study & getting dissertation sorted, but feeling better now getting on with the research.

...& feeling great big change from last week, when sometimes I couldn’t even get myself out of bed. Making the most of it.

Well did attend uni residential, glad now I went even though I was anxious. Received support from colleagues & was even ablt to give some. However did manage to forget to hand in my room key, posted now. So the forgetfulness is evident as ever. I’m pleased I managed to attend & spoke with my tutor even though I wasn’t pleased with what they had to say. Never the less it has made me more determined not to give up & venture on.

...always a good sign. Remembered to order med in time & collect, major achievement. Do seem to be happier as trying to sort things out gradually & trying to please myself instead of others all the time. Not isolating myself so much outside work.Negative side is I keep getting headaches the last few days probably down to stressing about residential tom.Trying to positive self talk to myself, not focusing on the negative & trying to remain in a positive frame of mind. HOwever still a bit disfunctional, miracle take a bit longer

My bosses boss rang & asked me to go cover for them as they were ill. When I arrived he noted I wasn’t my usual self & starting asking questions, at this point I had to ask him to stop as I was beginning to fill up with tears. He said did I want to go somewhere & talk about it, I declined. Why is it when people do show concern & interest I just fall apart & can’t discuss it? I’m used to presenting a certain image at work & don’t want others to see the side of me that’s not perfect or needs help. What can you say? Unless you’ve been there it’s hard to relate to how others are feeling when they get like this.

Managed to socialise with friend all week-end which didn’t involve drink all the time.Also meant I had to get out of bed. Went out for tea & where enjoying ourselves so we stayed out & I didn’t sneak off early. I think because I went straight from work meant I didn’t have the usual deliberation about going out & all it entailed, never mind talking myself out of it. Sat, dinner out & we went to see a double bill at the cinema, something cheerful to rub off on us. Sunday up early, breakfast out, walk along the prom, visit to French Market & home to catch up on Sun papers & reading.Really enjoyed weekend gave me good start to week.

although managed to get over it & been ok for a number of years, it returned. Need to get balance back into life. Am working on it, going out with friend tonight in the same boat both supporting each other. Surprisingly we have a positive effect on each other. I need to face my demons instead of running away from them.