learn to enjoy not smoking

.. terrible film where the lead character smokes constantly. It looks horrible. Does this mean I’m getting better, Doctor?

Nine weeks ago today, I quit smoking.

I won’t mark this as done because I don’t really enjoy not smoking, not yet. There are plenty of things I like about it; being able to breath properly, not coughing all the time, having money in my pocket when, before, it would be gone on smokes, being able to watch anti-smoking ads on tv without silently being ashamed of myself. But I haven’t yet felt like I enjoy not being able to spark up.

But the biggest thing is that I had despaired of ever being able to give my lungs even 24 hours rest from cigarettes. I used to think to myself that if only I could give them a 24 hour holiday I might be able to breathe better, or just feel a little bit healthier. But the idea of spending even one day away from them seemed impossible.

Then I woke up with a searing pain in my chest, the usual hacking cough, and a vision of me trying to explain to my family that I was going to die of lung cancer. I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s the kind of thing that happens when you smoke a packet of cigarettes every day for thirty years.

I quit that day. Just for the day. But with one day down it seemed a shame not to give it a real go. Nine weeks later I’m still okay. Happy days.

I don’t suppose ‘not enjoying smoking’ is the same thing… (sigh).

Last night my brother, who i love deeply, asked me to stop smoking. Then this morning i got back from my trip to the west and there was a letter from a girl I worked with this summer asking me if i had stopped smoking yet. She had bought me a movie about a bloke who gets lung cancer in an effort to get me to quit. I feel quite low. its got to be done. Soon. Now? Oh god!

I had a furious row with myself today. I advised myself to stop smoking…again. At first i ignored myself. But I persisted. “You know its going to kill you sooner or later”, I said. I flipped out. “How dare i be so sanctimonious”, I said to myself, “If I’m so perfect how come my life is such a mess”. I felt that was terribly unfair and I haven’t spoken to myself since.

I’ve given up smoking a few times but fallen down each time. I stopped for two years. Twice. But if all you do is deny yourself you will fail sooner or later. I have to change the way I think about it and genuinely enjoy not having those bastard things in my mouth.