stop being afraid of people

.. badly on this one at the moment. Surrounded by fear. It’s got the upper hand. General Custer springs to mind. Why is life so bloody hard?

This is important as I practically have a phobia about phones. i hate them. I never call people and get into trouble. And no-one calls me as I freeze and get weird. But today I called people. I called a company who owe me money. They’ll call back… again. I called a woman who may be able to help me find a new career. She’ll call back. I called a government agency. They were nice and helpful. Bless them. I called Apple about my missing software. They’ll call back.
It’s great to have made the calls but there’s a lot of call back-ers who won’t call back. I need to get assertive on their collective asses!

..employment options in the advertising business. I would be a killer copywriter. I have some kind of half contacts and no direct experience but my fear of approaching people I dont know is holding me back. Contrary to the teachings of Christ the meek are not going to inherit the earth anytime soon so I’ve got to take my courage in my hands and make some damned phone calls. The first should be to the spirit of Bill Hicks to beg forgiveness.

Here’s the thing; i need to go into Filmbase, which is an organisation for aspiring film-makers in Dublin, and ask their advice on buying the right camera for amateur film-making. This is the main reason i became a member. But i am putting it off because i am anticipating them being snooty and treating me like an idiot. I know that this is just me being ‘threat sensitive’ (a term my father introduced me to years ago which hit me like a missile as it explaind me to myself quite profoundly), and is a classic example of me holding back on what i want to do because i’m afraid of how other people will react. Crazy, isnt it? I think I’ll go in today and see how it goes.

i faced off a whole group of people in a formal environment where the balance of power was very fragile indeed. It was mine to take, but a moment of weakness would have handed it over. And i had those moments in abundance but i didnt let them show. I got through and won the war. I know this sounds very confrontational, and it was, in an energy way, but it was really about being strong enough to stand up and give people what they expected. I am relieved, proud and prepared to do the same tomorrow.

By and large people dont want you to be afraid of them. They would much rather you forged your own path without fear, so that they can enjoy your contribution to the world.

Here is a particularly practical test of my new determination to not be intimidated by people. I need to buy a car and have been scooting around town meeting several back street car dealers. “How dare you try and sell me this pile of junk. Its practically a bicycle!”, is a line have rehearsed but not yet found the courage to use.
Actually, the key to this situation is not to invest emotionally in the car you are going to see and be totally prepared to walk away. It also confuses them if you dont ask car questions and make idle conversation about unrelated matters. I had a very interesting discussion with a bloke called Barry about holidaying in Spain and then didnt buy his car. In fact i showed almost no interest in it and by the time i left he had dropped the price by 800 euro and was volunteering all its faults.

Big social event on sunday night thats work based and am not really looking forward to it. Huge gatherings of people depress me. I get very tense. Will meet a lot of people that I know ranging from ‘very well’ to ‘know your face’. But am determined to go into it with a positive attitude. Have fun, damn it. HAAAVE FUN!! That, or get very drunk.

I’ve just got back from a two week work trip which was high stress. i was determined to get through it without fear being in charge and although the prep was very tense the actual event went well. its good to remind yourself that the world keeps turning, by and large oblivious to your successes and failures. Iam exhausted but i kept things clear for the most part and achieved what i wanted to achieve. Hurrah for me. Courage and Perspective!

There are people and things that I should be afraid of. Sharks, hungry tigers and glassy eyed men with guns for instance. But too often ‘fear’ is the defaulft setting. Fear can be debilitating. I’ve had enough of fear. i’m sick of it. i have to do something very challenging on wenesday. I know i’m afraid of it. But even now, writing this I can feel it ebbing away. I’m good at what I do. Its going to be ok.