find God/find my religious truth

have decided to have a ‘silent sabbath’ each week-rest and silence and fasting. that way, at least once a week, I’m quiet enough to listen if God has anything to say to me.

What really confuses me is what seems to be a rejection of the animal slaughter people associate with Old testament Judaism-yet are all these fast food restaurants kosher, etc etc

My #1 religious focus right now needs to be-people change. When people are stepping on you it’s hard to remember

sometimes i wonder if everyone gets the same news/articles

had 2 pieces of chef boyardee a few days ago-i wanted to see what happens if i ate nonkosher food after having only kosher for 2 months-it wasnt an extreme effect but i think it made me feel more lethargic and dependent, rather than energized to do everything for myself for ex didnt care as much about recycling or saving every little piece of plastic-plus these things seemed dirtier/wanted them out of my room rather than to save them. but there’s also the factor that i forgot my vitamins for a couple of days. i felt i had to pray more after eating the nonkosher food (because of eating the nonkosher food) and praying helped to reduce the negative effects

have no doubt that i need kosher food, however jewish or unjewish i may end up being-more inclined toward hinduism at the moment. sick of all the psychic weirdness making me feel paranoid every time i think heavily about judaism-not giving up just wondering if maybe it’s a sign i’m either not jewish and i should give it up or maybe it’s really not safe

I feel more approval from God when I am trying to not produce any garbage

Have tried, despite my feelings of I am lacking protein, to not eat the fish I bought. My higher perceptions are returning, God must not be as mad at me anymore; can notice the negative effect of the ‘natural flavors’ in vegetable juice like I did before, and Jello has a subtly strange odor to me, and I’m not able to eat any more of the three boxes I bought. I have avoided trying to be vegan because of becoming malnourished before but my spirit is not accepting these foods. Need to find an alternative for joint restoration and maintenance

I wonder if there is an actual existing Judaism or if there are just some people faking; I feel abused every time I try

I need to do better on kosherizing my dishes. Thinking of getting a metal bucket to soak them in boiling water. I’m so inconveniently oversensitive

Not sure how to practice the Sabbath; maybe it’s different for each person what rest is. I read that feasting and spending time with family is good to do on Sabbath but for me being alone is more rest than anything else. But I dont know what I should do, because unless I’m just sitting or lying down resting it seems I always end up doing something that I usually do, and so it ends up being no different-I get on the computer or have the tv on-I’ve got to work more on making this a real sacred day, but I wonder what’s the point if I get a job and cant really say oh well I cant work Fri night or Sat because then I wouldnt get the job-they choose whoever is most flexible with hours etc

Ok maybe that’s more than 90% but it seemed like there was something else—cant remember what, maybe it’s more like 99 or 98%