learn to be alone

repeat #6

If I felt safe, and did not have any worries that my ability to produce income to sustain myself would be adequate, the loneliness issue wouldn’t be much of a big deal

To find someone who is willing to accept lots of criticism but who doesn’t feel the need to give criticism seems highly unlikely

I wonder if when you find your other half-they have all the qualities you have judged, avoided, and feared

Lack of emotional support is preventing me from feeling content alone right now-dont know how to be my own support system, dont know how to find emotional support, since I am too absent emotionally to offer any back

well I’ve had crushes on guys since I was 4 or 5, and had actual boyfriends since I was 14 or 15 (half of my life). March 2004 beginning of period without any boyfriend. It took two years (and 6 months) for me to feel like I would rather be alone. I dont think anyone could get me to date them if they paid me. I do mean romantically alone, with this goal, because financially I am still lost.

i feel genuinely interested in nothing. is that apathy or boredom ? or, i feel like this world isnt created by God, and in that way should i be interested at all? everything is boring. to create something makes too much noise.

a worm doesnt look at a butterfly
he’s in the ground, eating dirt
helping the garden’s soil to not become too firm
do gardens have soil
are they full of plural soul
sumbad planted a tree
with apples on it
the tree grabbed a branch, dipped in blood
and painted sumbad into a po ol tree

once when i smoked pot (unfortunately i never had this experience again) i felt completely unaffected by my environment for the first time. i have never felt that way before or since. everything was tuned out except what i focused my attention on, and i felt unhindered by being afraid or low self esteem, i just made a picture with crayons. maybe that moment was astrological and the mj was just a coincidence. being alone was just fine. now i always feel scared or stressed out or in pain or sad or unfocused; before i ever tried mj, i could only read to tune out everything, but once i got into the book i felt ok with a few molecules of my body

when I am focusing on making lists and remembering things I dont notice I’m alone