be a better listener

ack. need to refresh my memory about this goal.

inlaws visited and-out of insecurity in part and thoughtlessness in part-i said pointless things i don’t really think (not mean things, just political things) & forgot to be an active listener.

working on this. after talking with my bro tonight, i realized how disconnected our conversations tend to be b/c neither of us really listens to the other very well. i mean, we do listen, but we also interrupt a lot. (our family was never very formal about conversation.) i’m going to try to be more conscious about it in the future and see if he follows suit.

before thinking through my ideas? (i’m in graduate school-should have learned this lesson by now!) not sure why i do this. it’s not that i end up saying brilliant things. (in fact, i usually end up fretting about what i have said later on.) maybe i’m doing it as a sign of goodwill-just to show i am engaged in the discussion—much in the same way one does that in one-on-one conversations. as a sort of affirmation. but it’s not the same situation, and it takes away from other people’s chances to say well-consideed things.

i don’t know why this is so tough for me.

my first instinct, when other people have been telling me something, especially when it deals with some difficulty, is to say, “i know what you mean” (followed by some anecdote from my own life or someone else’s). i think that it is well-intentioned but it is also not necessarily the best response, for a number of reasons:

1) sometimes people just need to be heard, to put their feelings or reactions into words, sometimes to clarify those feelings or to be reassured of their validity…they don’t always need or want to hear about someone else’s experiences

2) it’s one thing to say, “i handled it this way but there are a lot of other ways to deal with it” and support the person, but it’s another to say, “i handled it this way, which is the best way to deal with it.” a lot of times when i’ve said it this second way, i’ve realized later that i was not just emphathizing but instead mostly was trying to justify my own past behavior to myself or others.

3) giving advice is a dangerous business, but i find myself doing it all the time. so often people have been appreciative of it, but probably just as often, they have resented it without my even being aware of it. i think LISTENING is important here—being a better listener will help me to distinguish between whether I should keep my mouth shut or whether my friend is seeking my advice.

4) i sometimes realize after a conversation that in sharing my own anecdote, i have hijacked the discussion and the person has never even finished what they were saying.

5) recently i’ve become aware of a friend who is always one-upping others when she speaks. like an unconscious competition. and i often participate in this competition when I talk with her. i don’t like that.

6) what do i know, anyway?

well, at least i’m aware i do these things…now i need to learn how to keep my mouth shut more often….