be happy, not on the surface happy, but deep down for serious happy.

This goal got the most cheers of all of mine.

What I want to know is, do people cheer this because they really want me to do this, or because they want to do it themselves? Or because its just a cool idea?

Comments might make me happy… ;)

I got a catalog in the mail today, unexpectedly, which had something on the cover of it that made me smile… a really wide smile, the kind that if it goes on for a long time, it makes your face ache.
I remember being in that state of happiness, so blessed to almost be embarrassed by it… on a very good day, long, long ago. I think it lasted all day, more or less, back then… I find it hard to imagine waking up like that and continuing being happy all day again. But I guess it could happen…

I don’t think this is getting any more likely to happen anytime soon, maybe not for the rest of my life. Too many things that I used to “live for” are gone, discontinued, illegal, or unavailable. All my friends have gone away, they simply won’t answer my calls or emails. I’ve already gone through the angry stage as i felt it happening, now i’m slipping into despair… and even when i thought i could be happy, i had that little feeling, that it would all end too soon. I’d need a complete mindwipe and go back in time 20 years to even get a chance to be deep down happy. :( :(

There is such a thing as Dysphoria, makes you unable to enjoy things that normally would make you happy. I think I’ve got that now. I had a funny dream where i did some silly things and had everyone laughing, and when i woke up, the weight of real life came down on me like a ton of bricks and i couldnt even smile. When even the prospects of possible future happiness start disappearing, then there isnt much to look forward to or hope for. I may have to give up on this goal. :(

See this article in Discover Mag:

http://www.discover.com/issues/aug-06/features/shinyhappy/

Ignore the smiley faces…this got me thinking that a months-long course of exercises might help focus one’s brain on certain happy aspects in life. If I can get pleasure, flow, and meaning all at the same time…maybe it’ll happen.